Saturday, September 1, 2012

The Moment I Remembered I Was Awesome

      In between the time of my last post and this post I've been through a number of things that have really occupied my life in a wonderfully busy way. With being a counselor for two summer camps, meeting up with old friends, moving to an actual house instead of an apartment, and starting  life as a graduate student, it's been an eventful rollercoaster ride. It's interesting that I feel that I've grown up in a few ways that I just noticed a while ago. It's a combination of being more confident in myself, more eager to work towards my goals, and a better idea of what I'm going to do with my life. At the same time, I still a sloppy mess. It's great. And I've had ample chances to be even more of a sloppy mess too. I'm still a big kid inside an awkward Asian guy's body. Except I'm supposed to be an adult now. More adventure for me, I guess.
      One thing of note I do want to say is that being a gay/bi guy in central Texas or wherever I am is rough sometimes. Rough in the sense that it sucks not being able to find a decent guy around it seems who mutually establishes the connection I want with him, but not because I like dudes. If anything, liking dudes and having my circle of friends know about it really isn't the issue. It got me down so much that any random punk on Grindr could bring me down. The breaking point came when I tried Grindr again and quickly found out why I left it in the first place. To be honest, all of this dating, finding a guy, online dating, and whatever had always felt meat market-y and disillusioning. Over time, those feelings built up, and had been for a while, and at that moment they boiled over. I quickly spiraled into a pity party reserved for one. Cue Adele singing in the background about love gone sour and me shedding a tear or two about why no one loved me. But no really, jokes aside this actually happened. That day was turning out to be really awful it seemed. After a day or two of being in a rut, I decided I needed to get myself out of this. I got a haircut, changed into some nicer clothes, and felt a little better because I felt that I looked good. A little while later I went out with some friends and got a few compliments from the ladies. This made me feel a little better.Time does eventually heal all wounds and I felt I was well on my way. I'd lick my wounds and keep on walking. However, sometimes, life throws you a bone. And when I say bone, I really mean a hand-held chainsaw.
     After the partial success of getting out of the hole I was in, I went back home to my parents. It was great. They gave me chores that they themselves couldn't do like carry heavy things and other mundane tasks. However, one thing that did stand out was some yard work I had to tackle mostly on my own. A storm had come in and large portions of our backyard trees were torn asunder. It would have been a cumbersome and labor intensive task to clear the mess I was tasked with cleaning, except for the fact that my dad handed me a hand-held chainsaw to use as I pleased. I had never used a chainsaw before but before long I got the gist of it. I was still in my nice clothes from the night before except now I was sweating like a man as I ripped through huge branches and brush. It was fun. I can't say I've had better times doing chores before. Wood chips were flying, woodland creatures were fleeing, and I felt I was giving mother nature the finger every time I cut up those branches like butter. I thought, not only did I look good in my nice clothes and haircut, I was gaining a nice bundle of man points with my chainsaw. And before long I realized something-I was awesome. At that moment, I felt like a badass. I was Big Pappa Smurf. I was King of this Mother F&#king Jungle. I was thinking, all those punks on Grindr were probably jerking off at home and was I doing? Using a chainsaw to chop Mother Nature down to size. Literally. Hell yeah. And I also realized that maybe, all along, I've always been awesome and that I didn't need anyone to dictate my personal worth or desirability. And finding that out was in itself, really awesome. To set the record straight, I don't like to toot my own horn and I try to keep myself humble. But sometimes, you just really need moments like these. So I guess the moral of this story is that when life gives you lemons, use a hand-held chainsaw to F&*K those lemons up. Because you're better than those lemons anyway. Hell Yeah. America. 

-C.C.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Well, Sh*t

      To be completely honest, life is treating me rather well. I got into graduate school after much anxiety and worry, I got to hang out with my friends most of the time, and I have just continued to eat myself silly and avoid doing anything productive. On the other hand, I've really done absolutely nothing with the rest of my summer. Sure, summer is officially almost over, but I can't say I regret most of what I've done, even though a large amount of my leisure time has been being a lazy sack of potatoes in my bed on facebook for hours upon hours. Hopefully, I can do a bunch of work in this one week I have left and really finish off the summer in a way I would want. Life has been pretty good to me, and then I have to go ruin it for myself. 
        I really shouldn't have done it, but then I did, because these things are my kryptonite right now. I just always go back to doing it. My kryptonite being the hours of searching and reading about sappy stories about two guys falling for each other. I mean, the criteria for these stories is pretty general. Two regular guys in a generic work or academic setting spending all this time together and then they find out they like each other, stuff happens, etc, etc, etc. Surprisingly for me Reddit has a small treasure trove or ten of these kind of "real life" stories of these guys shacking up with each other and how they are dealing with their feeling now or something or other. Or whatever.

 Something like from this thread
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/lruh7/iama_guy_whose_bromance_has_turned_into_a_gay/

I could literally spend days reading the little walls of text and responses about these stories. Are they real? To me, it doesn't matter. They're real enough for me. I want to believe they are real so badly I really don't care if they are written by a forty something old man in Siberia. I need something to hold on to right now, and if I have to believe in a fairy tale, I will. This stupid god forsaken feeling of wanting to be with someone when you're alone is so familiar these days. It's almost an unsurprising occurrence, like another mundane thought about what I want to do today or what I should eat today. But every time it hurts fresh. Sometimes though, the feeling will go away for long periods of time, as if there was never a problem in the first place, but then I go do something stupid and look up these kinds of stories and all of these feelings get unearthed all over again. Today, my mind just kept of thinking of actually being a couple with another guy doing couple things and I was just not happy. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I have to want these things so badly? Why can't I be happy with my great life right now? Why do people have to love each other like this anyway? Why does this hurt so badly? The only answer I get for now is that being lonely is shitty. I like to convince myself that being alone is not lonely. In fact, it can be liberating and good. I've learned about myself by being alone this long. But being a young, probably completely gay guy isn't treating me so well right now. I guess what makes this worse is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Or rather, it's hard for me to talk to others about this. Opening up completely to a person is just so daunting. Or maybe, I just need to open myself up more? It's whatever, I'll just go to bed. And then implode later.

-C.C.
       

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Let's Give Them Something to Talk About

        Today really started off with a bang. That conversation I had with the Asian guy where we harmlessly flirted with each other really took a turn for the raunchy. I mean, by five in the morning we were typing up all these things we'd do to each other if we were in the same city. Some naked wrestling was popped up, and then some blowjobs and other shenanigans. I mean, I got really into it talking about what I'd to to his junk. Whoa. We both definitely came. He even said he shot the wall behind him. Dang, I internet banged him good haha. That was really something I was not expecting. We've only had three full length conversations together. It just kind of happened. I thought we were just gonna be two gay chat buddies...now what??? That was intense. To be honest, I was feeling really lonely before I started talking to him that night so I guess all's well that ends well. At work I was a bit distracted though. I couldn't stop thinking about what I did and how all that even happened. Is this right? I don't even know this guy. Now I'm just cycling between a steel hard on from last night and a little bit of confused regret when I think about it. I guess I finally have something to say when it comes to dudes. Whoaaaaaa.
          To add to the amount of awkward you can have in one day, I went for dinner and a movie with a friend I wanted to get to know more. She's kind of my camp partner so we are just trying to find time to hang out right now. Apparently the new movie Savages wasn't the best idea. The action scenes were fantastic and the drama was decent, but for some reason the movie was just a little off. I mean, I guess watching a movie with really raunchy sex scenes with someone you don't really know that well can be weird. A strange devil's triangle threesome plot device where two dudes and a gal get high and do it with each other and spend the rest of the movie acting like it's totally fine can be a bit mind boggling. My friend and I were really confounded by it all. To be honest though, I love me some Selma Hayek, so really it wasn't the worst movie ever. Just gave me some weird vibes. Also, I finally have P90x and I am so ready to get sexy and all that jazz. Well, after I find the motivation to lift my fat lazy self out of this internet addiction I have. I need something to distract me from my grad school acceptance worries. Waiting is more stressful than I had anticipated. Maybe I need to talk to that Asian guy again and wack off again? How do you call it? Cyber-ing? That's so 90's and AOL right? I think I'm a little embarrassed for myself right now.

-C.C.

And the Party Never Ends?

       This whole week had me saying goodbye to somebody in my life. Sometimes it was just a sendoff with the knowledge that we would still be close as ever, sometimes it was a drunken salute to old times with the unspoken understanding that life goes on and that we would never see each other again. It just seems so crazy to me how life changes like this. People who are a big part of your life now can sometimes instantly have a smaller part of your life, either due to distance or life changes. One friend is moving to Dallas for good to work at an accounting firm, while another is going to medical school in Dallas. To top that all off, I've been spending time with my cousin who is going to go into a convent way up in Michigan and stay there for the rest of her life more or less. I know I'm mature enough to know life changes and people change along with it but it's just so crazy. Every day I read up on my friends and see them on internships and working at firms and continuing to graduate schools and it's just really mind boggling. These same people are those who I had great times with, acted huge fools with, and saw at their best and worst. At the same time, I'm not really doing anything with my life right now and I'm not making the best decisions for myself to become more mature and all that good business. On top of that, living with the parents right now can sometimes be a downer since they keep on telling me about people who have done so much better than I have and are doing things with their life while I'm not. It does hurt, but I guess my parents are just worried for me. Thanks anyway parents.
        This weekend was really amazing actually because I was able to bond with some other people for my camp that I am in that helps kids whose parents have cancer. It's really an under-served demographic and the benefits and experiences I've gotten from it have been amazing. The people are great and we all know we are here to make a difference. It really is something close to my heart. To see those kids who hold such tragedy in their hearts it really is amazing how much the camp actually makes a difference. They laugh and play like any other child and yet they have to deal with the frightening uncertainty of their parent's battle with cancer. The stories of these children can be amazing. One kid was a huge troublemaker. Some people would  even say he was a little poo, because he was, and he really didn't treat other kids well either. But at the same time, he was dealing with so many problems like his father being a soldier in Kuwait, his parents being divorced, and it seemed he wasn't getting the discipline or attention he needed. Even though the whole time he was still very much a problem child he did learn to express himself in other ways, like writing down his private thoughts and calming down. I thought that was pretty interesting. Another child had a mother who was terminally ill before he left for camp and he talked about how he knew how his parents were struggling with medical bills and at the same time grasping at straws because they were running out of options. He said how scared he was and I couldn't even imagine how that could feel. I think the most amazing part of camp was this girl who was deaf but had a magical ability to connect with you on an unspoken level. She used to be an orphan but was adopted recently and still felt the fear and uncertainty we all did. The thing was, she could be very difficult too, and with her being deaf, we were very unsure if she would even open up to us. When she did however, she blew us out of the water. She really shared so much of her emotion at that time and that was really amazing. Even after camp, amazing things were unfolding. There was one kid I knew who opened up only very little about his mother's cancer, but when he was alone with his mom, he talked for the first time about how he felt about his mother's illness. For his mother, it was a huge breakthrough. To be a part of something that impacts people so much and does so much for others is something I hope to always do in my life. I think it gives me a better idea how a person can influence others, especially if I want to become a doctor, those experiences taught me how to appreciate people in my life like my parents and let me see inside myself and really asses who I want to be and what I should do.
            I also found out stories about the people I was going to camp with too. One counselor lost his mom at thirteen while another lost her mother only a year ago. My own story is that my dad had benign cancer three years ago and I took it rather poorly. It was way too easy for me to forget about it and I did. I don't think I knew how to deal with it, so I didn't and I dived into college head first. Two years ago my grandpa died of kidney cancer and it still feels like he's still here, just away for a vacation or something. It's unreal. 
            As much as dudes are concerned absolutely nothing is happening. I did talk to one guy about playing Mario Kart with him, so I'll be excited for that. I decided I'm gonna ask out Red for coffee or something. I mean, I know he's a total creeper, but I'm just so starved for some kind of romantic interaction it can't be that bad right? Also, he is supposed to be a good guy in real life so hopefully it'll be alright. I just never expected how much of a wuss I am to actually take one tiny step. Sometimes I think I'm hopeless. Really, I just want to learn how to nut up and just ask someone out so this is a good step right? In other news I am getting along with this guy who is part of that camp I talked about I we get along so well it's uncanny. I mean, given enough time I think we could be very good friends and we could get pretty close. That's really important to me since I don't have those kinds of guy friends right now and that would be amazing. The downside to this is that I think he's really cute. I know he's straight and has a girlfriend and everything, but really, if he also liked dudes that would be a dream come true. Anyway, I'll get over it though and I have no illusions about what will happen so I'm really excited just to see if we can become really good friends. Right now, I am chatting with that Asian kid again and we're being kind of flirty with each other. Fuck Yeaaaah. We're talking about wrestling with each other naked and making out. Just what I needed right now, thank god. 

-C.C.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Benchmark

            I've just newly turned twenty two. Crazy huh? Right now I'm trying to get the energy to work out a little at two in the morning while chatting with a cute Asian guy who completely shot me down when I flirted with him for funsies. BUMMER. Hahaha, I guess that's just how my love life is right now being in such a sad state of affairs. My birthday was pretty low key and a big mess at the same time. I stay up watching a whole season of Avatar: The Legend of Korra like a little nerd and then wake up at three p.m. I then have to travel to my parent's house and rear end an Indian guy. Crap. This guy calls 911 and it takes an hour and a half to settle everything instead of the few minutes to get things over with. Anyway, being one year older kind of feels like I need to be a responsible adult now. Like I need to get my crap together now. Hopefully that works out. Also, hopefully, I get better at talking with dudes because with my track record I'm getting pretty tired spending time with Hands Solo and Pamela Handerson. Lol wut? Did I just say that?  Stay classy San Diego.

-C.C.

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Whirlwind Trip

         Europe was a blast. A real whirlwind. Going to England, Scotland, Wales, Greece and Turkey was just amazing. Then a daytrip in Montreal too! Life was pretty sweet for that month and a week or so. I was actually due to go to Italy and Spain too, but a part of me is a bit glad that it fell through. Some highlights of the trip were crashing a Scottish wedding in Scotland, where dudes were singing "Call Me Maybe" in their amazing accents, going to the Greek Islands of Mykonos and Santorini, getting ripped off by a Greek nun, and meeting somebody who actually knew the Beatles BEFORE they were famous. AMAZING.
          Before the Europe trip, things got a bit rocky with my chemistry final and my twenty five to thirty page paper. After that disaster combo, for some reason my parents couldn't find my graduation gown. The day of my graduation, I literally had to find a cap, gown, and tassel in order to graduate or I would be barred from walking my own graduation. Crap. Long story short I found that stuff and walked, which really led to an awesome day. However, I still hadn't packed for my trip to Europe which we had to leave for the very next day at ten in the morning. After staying up the whole entire night, I still have to drive to the airport an hour and a half away where my parents will be. Uneventful? Not quite. I am so tired from everything I have to park and fall asleep in a suburb off the highway. I wake up an hour before I was supposed to meet my parents and my cars refuses to start. Thank God a random old guy helped me jump my car or my whirlwind trip to Europe would be a whirlwind fail. I finally get to the airport completely exhausted and ready to sleep on the plane. Too bad the plane has a bunch of awesome movies to watch, so naturally, I have to watch them and when I get to England I'm just dead. Sucks to suuuck.
        In other news, I get back from Europe and I've learned a thing or two about myself. Just things like how my actions have consequences and that I have to step up as an adult. Also...Red decides to facebook message me again because he's horny again. Well Crap. This time, I'm a lot less inclined to resist. I know this isn't good for me but I kind of want to just go for it. I know I haven't done anything with anyone before...but would it be so bad to just hook up with him a bit? I'm playing this game of trying to wait for the right one and being horny all the freaking time. I'm a mess

P.S. FINALLY, a relatively short post. Also, I'm freaking tired. Small victories.

-C.C.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Europe

       It's almost eleven thirty in an Athens hotel and my cross-country trek through Europe is almost at an end. It's been pretty fun and just wonderful. There are so many things I have to write down before I forget.  However, it's getting pretty late so really I can't elaborate as well as I would like. That may be a blessing in disguise since if I could, I'd type eight paragraphs worth of text and really that's just too much. There has been so much going on in my life and thinking about everything just brings chills down in my spine. We've gone and done all the touristy things like visit the landmarks like Big Ben and the Parthenon and eaten everything we could in sight. I'll have to post all the amazing, funny, and interesting things that have happened in my life thus far. Some tidbits include crashing a Scottish wedding, being ripped off by a Greek nun, and coming out to one of my cousins on the trip.
       I feel like this trip has helped me mature a bit more and I've had the time of my life in addition to learning a few life lessons. The only thing I'll share today is something that was just really awesome for me since I was just very receptive and ready to hear the message that I was hearing. In the morning our tour group woke up early to head to the ruins at Delphi, where the oracle would give their prophetic messages of the future to come. The guide there was really a step above the others since she sat us down to have us really take in the nature and the ambiance of the ruins around us as we soaked in the morning sun. She told us to imagine the many huge ruins around us housing forests of bronze statues and sculptures of ivory and gold. She gave us great detail of not only the religious but political and cultural powerhouse Delphi used to be. She told us of how great generals and kings of legend would come to hear the words of the oracle. Its words being that catalyst for conflict or the salve for political quagmires. 
       What was interesting was how our guide delved deeper into a more philosophical dimension of these facts and really carved out some meaningful messages out of what she said. At first I was a bit put off. I wasn't expecting this nor was I that receptive at that time of day. Somehow though, her message did resonate in me when she ended her talk. She talked of how open minded the ancient peoples were and what messages we can take away today. How people from different religions would come to Delphi for religious purposes as well, and come back combining the good ideals from both Greek religion and theirs to create something better. For example, some people who believed in Amun-Ra would come back from Greece and decide to create a combination of ideals and create Amun-Zeus. Crazy. Delphi was a place of exchanging goods and ideas. Surprising how it seemed people respected each other's ideas and religions so much. 
        I think what was the most important message to me was how sometimes, when you went to the temple, Apollo had to decide whether he wanted to give you an oracle or not. Sometimes, you would wait all this time and wait in all these lines and you'd get rejected. It was thought that if you weren't given an oracle, you already had all the things at your disposal in order to make your own decisions. The messages from the oracle themselves would be a take it how you will sort of thing. The message may be insightful and perceptive only if you took it the right way but if you saw what you wanted in the message it was useless. In addition, Delphi was not only a sacred site for Apollo, the god of light, truth, and order, but for Dionysus, god of wine, parties, and excess. It's just a great contrast since the god of Order Apollo, who had a plaque that said "Nothing in Excess" would be worshiped next to the god of good times for all. Our guide related these things to how even though there was an oracle there was still a good amount of human will in these things. We could either take a message the way we wanted or not. We could either worship to different gods standing for different things. She said how in the end, we are still masters of our own destiny and we have choices that we take how we want. In this really ever changing part of my life, I really think this message required myself to think about where I am now. Maybe all I've just said is a load of crap. But long story short, I'm been having the time of my life, but at the same time I've been trying to soul search and really make some changes inside of me for the better. Changes that are long overdue and I need, because I'm not a child anymore. My actions have consequences. And my life is just beginning. It's exciting, scary, and full of potential. I don't want to make a bad decision and miss out. But yikes, all this adult stuff is so serious. I still have my inner child inside of me giving a bunch of good kicks. And that's good, because that's what makes my life interesting.

-C.C.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Life After Graduation

         So much has happened since the last time I posted. All the problems and worries I had eventually got taken care of and life moves on. Sometimes all at once. I finished with finals, finished that nightmare paper, graduated, and now I'm sitting in a hotel in Greece at two in the morning. So much has happened and the rest of my life is just beginning. I'm scared in some ways, but very excited in other ways. I'm going to sleep, but this is a part of my life I had to note in a small entry after a long hiatus of nothing. Inadequate, yes, but I'm living life in the fast lane right now. I'm gonna enjoy it a little longer.

-C.C.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

No Rest for the Science Major

     The reality of life is coming a mile a minute and I really just am a little overwhelmed how much it going to happen in the next few months. I'm officially going to Europe in the summer! Backpacking with a friend going to Italy and Spain is going to be CRAZY! I'm excited...but scared at the same time. I'm really scared actually...but the spirit of adventure hopefully will keep me afloat. Actually...I don't have any money really to go to Europe so that's a huge problem haha. Also, we still haven't quite finished planning the trip so really we have to get things going. In addition, I'm graduating in a little over a month which is even crazier. To top that off, many of my friends will have left college by the end of the year and I may never see them again. However, sometimes, I'm glad I have such demanding schoolwork to distract me from graduation since it really helps keep me focused sometimes. Unfortunately I also have a twenty five to thirty page paper that I have to write by the end of the semester or else I don't graduate. I was shaking the moment I found out. I'm so busy and stressed I've been up until four in the morning every day just stressing out and trying to do everything I can. My sleep schedule is messed up beyond belief so that only exacerbates my problems.
     In general, life has been pretty chill and relaxed so far. In truth it's been a good peaceful lull before the storm. However, I'm getting ready hopefully. I have a bunch of extracurricular activities but I think I can manage. I could list out all the things I've been doing like reuniting with my mentor who is a strong friend of mine but lives in Iowa, painting myself blue for various social purposes, having a chill barbecue with friends with smores, even though I had to do all the cooking, etc, but really I am much too long winded to go into detail with that. I guess what has been most interesting is that I still pine over guys like it ain't no thing, but at the same time I've been fostering some odd feeling for a girl who I find absolutely gorgeous. I mean, she is pretty but just both her personality and overall way she comes off to people is gorgeous. She's kind of an old soul, and that really impresses on me. I don't know where these heterosexual feelings come from, but I really do like her. I get nervous around her, I act a little more awkward, and I feel better when she's around. Weird. I could consider being in a serious relationship with her. Of course, then I can come home and jack off twice to gay porn like I'm the biggest fan of penis to ever grace the earth. Which I did pretty much for a few days now. Even stranger, sometimes, I'll be doing that, and I'll stop finding what I'm watching attractive and lose my hard on because I'll think, "Whoa...these are dudes...doing each other..." It's so odd. In other odd news, there's this friend who I don't find especially attractive, but he did a surprise piggy back ride on me and his cologne rubbed off on me and even hours later it's still on me and for some reason I'm really digging his scent. By that I mean I keep on trying to smell it on my shirt and it gets me going. I don't know how I feel about this. But that's okay, I'll just throw myself into my thirty page paper and forget it all. Or go crazy, I don't know if that's really such a bad option.

P.S.

I saw this on postsecret today, and this made me feel a little sad. Sometimes I feel like this, although truthfully I have stopped feeling like this lately which makes me happy I'm getting better. I feel like I just have better self-confidence these days and it makes me really happy thinking about it. Not that I don't still feel lonely, though. It just that, why can't we all find unconditional love more than some superficial standard of good looks and a rocking bod? Anyway, I know that feel, bro.

 
-C.C.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Git 'er Done

       Just a small tangent, I'm starting this post at 4:20. Hahaha. Marijuana reference. But really though, I have exciting news since I just finished my graduate application! YES! Too bad I relapsed on the whole lent and extraneous internet including porn thing. I mean, I was going great for a week or two but really I just folded. I shouldn't have done it though, because I don't know what happened but immediately afterwards I just felt really lonely. I think I'm just in one of those moods again, although I've never gone back down to those awful times when I literally felt like I was going through psychological depression. Today was really lax since I came to class late but then had a long lunch with friends and then just went to another class which ended for the semester. Since that class has ended, it really feels as if this semester has started it's inevitable end going at a full throttle pace. At the same time, I still need to order my cap and gown, diploma frame, etc. Crazy huh? Too bad I'm bad with deadlines so I guess that won't be happening! Haha, my mom is gonna be pissed. In reality, in the past few weeks, I've really dealt with all of this in a nonchalant fashion because I am really ready to move on. A part of me is really tired of being an undergraduate now. Sure I have more school ahead of me, but I'm ready for that next chapter. In general, I'm ready to just grow up. It's a strange and kind of nice feeling. I'm very uncertain what I'll be doing in a year, but at the same time, I think I'll be alright. In other news, I have been vegetarian-ish for two days! Not including bacon bits on my salad or actually eating chicken that one time but I'm not going to nick pick details. I would like to try this thing out, but I'm insanely hungry all the time. Also, I've been doing some thinking and I really think I may be slowly inching toward that phase where I want to just get off with someone and then do my thing. I don't know, I'm not really thrilled about it but at the same time I do want to get out there. I think starting with a healthy relationship would be good at least. But really, I need to go to sleep. I have a class to go to that I honestly don't care about and will be tempted to sleep through. That dilemma will be saved for my future self.

-C.C.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A lack of endurance and Sixty More Days

       I took an unplanned unintentional hiatus from blogging everyday but found out how refreshing it was. I mean, it took more energy than I every thought to write out the thoughts and actions that I had throughout the day. I never noticed that. Spring Break was fun just being busy every day of the week with friends and spending money all the time. However, I realized too late how I was neglecting my parents since I don't see them enough as it is. It really did make myself disappointed in myself I'm not gonna lie.
      In other news, I have some resolutions that I hopefully can fulfill before I actually GRADUATE IN SIXTY DAYS. Hopefully I can write down everything I say and do in the next sixty days in order to really just make the most of the days I have left as an undergraduate in college. Being a senior is crazy. I have a bunch of stuff to do from now until then and so much I want to do. But really, I guess one thing that isn't so great is staying up till five a.m. being a college kid and doing nothing but hang with friends? Naw, you only live once. Also, I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the whole I wanna make out and do it with people thing right now. Mostly because that's all I want to do it seems. I'm a really late bloomer and I'm dealing with it. But really, I haven't finished my graduate application yet. Haha, oh my god...

-C.C.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Cousins

      Today started out a bit on the unproductive side since I slept until four in the morning and then jerked off three times in bed. I swear I just don't take care of myself. I mean, I didn't even eat or shower or anything for the longest time today. I'm pretty disgusting, but really when I let myself go on breaks, I just totally let hit the sh*t hit the fan. In other news, I've really been enjoying making plans trying to spend enough time with the cousins while we still have time together. This meant spending a small sleepover together to foster cousin togetherness and really just spend some time with the cousin Max who is going to become a nun. Really, it's been relatively easy for me to deal with, but I just realized how hard it has been for her immediate family. I mean, her little brother who is almost twenty now actually would cry every time they had serious talks about her going into the convent and everything. I didn't even realize. It's crazy, yet she is actually happy and serene about the whole thing. Hmm, interesting to think about I guess. But really all we did was just laugh and talk and then turn in after a few hours. Really I think we didn't have that much to talk about after one of us went to sleep I guess. But really that was the point right? I guess. But really this whole week is really is dedicated to spending time with family and friends and just trying to catch up with my life. But really, I just care about my family a bunch and I'm really glad to have them around. And with this marginally related video, that's the note I'll end on.



-C.C.

It's Spring Break!

Being Spring Break and all, things have gone a little down hill. I got super excited that I now had time to catch up on all the things I've ever neglected like planning for graduation and stuff but then I unfortunately started bumming around on the internet till four in the morning letting me get nothing done. There is so much to do so I'll just go do it. In other news, I've been really dreamy as of late. Sometimes, I listen to this song, Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show and imagine myself dancing to somebody I love and it feels like the best thing in the world. In general I adore this song, granted the music video is really just not as poignant as I would like it to be...Just something about it tells a beautiful story or maybe because I'm just a Texas boy, born and raised and I believe Country can actually be a beautiful musical medium?


-C.C.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A Sour Day and a Blog Entry

       Today was a bit horrifying and awful because I had ten minutes to get to class and my van that replaced my other van got towed...so I had to bike to campus, which isn't awful but more so when you only have ten minutes to get to class. On top of that the wind decided to blow a monsoon in my direction the whole entire way almost. Not to mention when I get to class my professor decides to call on me four times on very science-ey questions that really had me guessing. Fantastic. But on the bright side, I had lunch with some friends, participated in a flash mob, and hung out with Crystal all evening making fun videos, etc. Also, I was all vegetarian today. Except for bacon bits on my salad. Whoops. That still made me feel good since I have been trying to ease into that lifestyle for a while. So really, I guess today wasn't the best, but it definitely wasn't the worst. The thing is, I got really agitated. I mean, I wanted to have a fit for most of the day. I was surprised how much of a rise this got out of me.
         In any case, today was pretty notable, but made even more so because of this blog I stumbled upon, "A Breeder's Journal" at http://mrsteed64.blogspot.com had an entry that really spoke to me. The reason being that I've been struggling with self-esteem issues for a very long time and although I am getting better, sometimes it really is a bit of a struggle. But this was better and I am glad I took time to read it.

"I made love to someone recently—it was in these pages, but who it was doesn’t matter. While we were fucking, I kept telling him how beautiful he was, and how handsome. I didn’t say the words simply to get into his pants. Those pants had hit the bedroom floor a couple of hours before. I was telling him how deeply attractive I found him because I really felt what I was saying, right at that moment. I wanted him to know how much I wanted him and how good he made me feel. I could’ve gone all day without touching the guy, if he’d granted me the favor of letting me lie there and look at his sweet face, his handsome features, his deep and kind eyes.

There was a moment when we were slowly gyrating against each other, enjoying the slow and deliberate pleasure of it, when he looked up at me in wonder. “I never think of myself this way,” he said. “You make me feel like a completely different person.”

I stared at him for a moment. “So why don’t you allow yourself to be?” I finally asked, before kissing him.

It was one of those moments that could have easily been forgotten. We both could’ve returned to our homes that night sated and stinking of each other, content to let the evening remain a memory. He took it a little further than I expected, though, when I heard from him last week with this email. 

You don’t know this, but I fell asleep that night replaying that short conversation in my head. I probably acted like a lovesick fifteen-year-old. You wouldn’t let me go. “Why don’t you allow yourself to be?”, I kept hearing in my head, again and again. 
Did I feel like a completely different person, through your eyes? I did. Did I feel beautiful, and handsome, and desirable, and all the things I always feared I’d never be? I most certainly did. 
The next morning I woke up and I thought, "What if I really am all those things?” 
And I thought, "Why not assume that you are? Why not get up and get through the day assuming you’re all things he said you are?" Handsome. Beautiful. Sexy. Remarkable. Sweet. Hot. 

It felt like I’d woken up in someone else’s bed. I was giddy as I thought to myself, "It won't hurt anyone. It won't break laws. Why not try it? What if you did it as an experiment? Say, a week? One week of thinking of yourself as handsome?” 
It was strange. I really wanted to try it, to listen to this unexpected voice—your voice—urging me on. But then my own voice intruded. “It’d be ridiculous because you’re not handsome at all,” it said. “You’re as far away from handsome as it’s possible to get. That’s why.” 
Your voice spoke up. "Do you think I was just kidding with you? Pitying you? Being kind, in a moment of passion?” 
I wanted to listen to your voice in my head that morning. Not my own. I stepped into the bathroom. Looked in the mirror. I had sex hair. My face looked slept-upon. But I was handsome. I didn’t have to believe it. I didn’t believe it, yet. I just had to say it to myself. 
I am handsome. 
I was walking down the street during rush hour on the way to work. "Lift your head up," I told myself. Have you ever noticed you always look down as you walk, to hide your face? Stop looking down. You're handsome." 
I do it. I am handsome. 
In the coffee shop. The server is amazingly cute. He could have anyone he wants. “Don't tilt your head down when he speaks to you. Look him in the eye. You're handsome." 
I look him in the eye. I smile. I wink as I wish him a good day. 
He gives me a free cookie. 
Well, now. 
I decide to let myself be handsome all that day. Then all that week. And I swear to god, it’s working. I haven’t changed physically, but the world is changing around me. People react to me differently—men and women both, and not just in a sexual way. It's not my imagination. The more I say it, the more I believe it. The more my confidence grows, the more inclined the world is to get out of my way–or, better, to help me step aside and admire me as I pass. 

It’s novel, and it’s sweet, and I love myself in a way I haven’t for over thirty years. I am handsome. 

You were the start of this. You did in a few hours what a succession of expensive therapists had never been able to do. You changed the world for me. 
You and your words. 

Thank you.
Now. I have some disagreements with the basic moral my lover has drawn here. It wasn’t me or my words that changed his world. He did that all by himself, by being open to the truth, open to the universe, and showing a willingness to believe in the best parts of himself rather than to run away from them. And if I can get pseudo-mystical for a moment: you can do that, too.

I get so much email from readers who wish their lives were like mine. Or if not exactly like mine, richer and more free, in a direction they perceive mine as being. If there’s anything I wish to have accomplished after two years of blogging about my sex life, it’s to impart a very specific message: your life is not entirely on rails. You are in control of many of the aspects of your existence that make you unhappy. If you’re dismayed with the way things are going, seize the wheel and steer in a direction that’s better for you. Good things can happen to you. You deserve every single one of them.

You are handsome. You are beautiful. You are a wonderful person with an abundance of good qualities. (Well, a couple of you are real shits, but chances are that if you were one of them, you wouldn’t have read this far. You’d already have written your snarky little comment about how I should get a real job, and gone on your merry way.) Good people in your lives have told you these things before; I'm repeating them to you now.

I have encountered so many men in the last two years alone who long to subscribe to these truths about themselves, but are so frightened to believe anything good they hear—or are so used to ignoring the compliments—that they shy away. They cringe, and deflect, and discount. 

Anything not to hear what they so desperately wish was reality. 

Yet these things are truths. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are handsome. You have a good, sweet soul. Why not believe it for a day? It won’t hurt anyone if you do. 

Why not believe it for a week? You won’t break any laws. 

Why not act as if it’s true, for good, and watch how the world changes around you? Because it can, and will, if you so much as allow it.

That’s what I wish for each and every one of you. What gift could be sweeter?"


I'm really tired from doing nothing too productive so to all, a good night.

-C.C.

Monday, March 5, 2012

What Am I Doing?

        Today was alright, but just a bit of a mess since I was just supposed to do a bunch of things I ultimately didn't do. I worked out three times in a row and felt great. I swear my thighs look like tree trunks now it's awesome. Okay, exaggeration, but I'm just happy I'm working out. However, any and all other responsibilities have been cast to the wayside since I literally went and pissed away my time all over the internet. I really did. I technically didn't break my vow for lent to stop looking at porn, but I did break my whole stop procrastinating on stuff for lent. I also procrastinated a bunch with hanging out with friends. Man am I a mess. Really, it just went down the hill for me that way. I really just stayed on match.com and all those things for the longest time. I actually found a guy who I thought was really cute there. I don't know, maybe it's all nothing but for some reason he likes a bunch of the things I do. Truthfully, I'm obviously not focusing on my priorities at all. This is kind of distressing. But that's okay, because I keep on looking at my one vague ab in the mirror and flexing to see if I can magically turn it into six. I'll be alright, no worries.

-C.C.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Chinese Food and Family

         Today we celebrated my dad's birthday. He turns seventy one today. It's kind of crazy. Most people's grandparents are that age but here comes my dad, still kicking. He has still looked lively and healthy all these years. He hasn't really changed although he has shrunk from age, as has my mom. We went to this old restaurant just across the street from our house that has been there for ages. I for one was just ready to have real authentic Chinese food just like the old days before I went off to college. Being in a college town means dealing with sad imitations of what is supposed to be Chinese, Indian, or any other type of ethnic cuisine outside of burgers and BBQ. I ate my fill and it was glorious. My dad literally ordered around twelve or so dishes and it couldn't have made me happier. While we were eating, the rest of the family that were there talked about life, marriage, and just everything to get us caught up with each other. One cousin is on her way to becoming a nun and in only a few months she'll be gone to Michigan just like that. I'll be sad when that day comes. I was considering telling her that I like guys before she left, because time with her is limited and I think we've become much closer over the years. Another cousin is pregnant and the rest of the family is absolutely thrilled. I was too. It'll be so wonderful and I can't wait. All the while, a television showed the Knicks versus Celtics playing and all of us rooted for Jeremy Lin. I mean, we don't love him just because he's Asian, but because he's a ballin Asian. Just talking about all these things just made me love these moments. I really do love my family and I really am blessed. After this, I went grocery shopping with the parents even though I could have done it alone. I just wanted their company, and this just really made me appreciate them.
         I came back today to college town in a more rickety van than the one I broke down in, and am just glad to have a car. However, it's that time again when I get super horny. Man, to be honest I kind of like being horny all the time but at the same time it's killing me because I'm pretty sexually frustrated. I really considered just jumping into the fray and becoming a horny manslut for a while because I really am that horny. I know it would be terrible for me since I'm not that kind of person, but really a future with Hand Solo is pretty unappealing and sometimes I think it's a better alternative than still being alone after all these years until I can really find somebody. In other news, I literally spent an hour on YouTube watching dudes making out. Is that still keeping up with lent since I swore off porn? In any case, I need to do something about this situation, because I think I hit a new low, but I'm not sure. I felt a little pathetic reflecting on all this. So obviously I'm the coolest person I know. I'm going to go bury my dignity in a place no one can find it now.

-C.C.

Not Planning for the Future, Partying Instead

        I swear I'm going to focus on what my plans are for the future right when I finish this post. And after I work out a little bit. At 1:30 in the morning. It's cool. I've only had four hours of sleep. But it's okay because this whole month of March I have no tests. But then the first week of April I have three tests to worry about. I know that's going to screw me over but really I'm feeling fine right now at least. Anyway, this Friday I literally traversed all over my college town just hanging out with people. Going to a documentary thing with some people, touring a nifty recycling center, attending a few birthday shindigs that night, and then staying awake until six in the morning watching scary movies and hanging out even more. Then waking up at nine in the morning to tow my sorry manvan to Houston to get fixed up. Sad. But here I am in Houston, here doing Spring cleaning with the parents and celebrating my dad's birthday. Sure I'm exhausted but really I don't regret it too much. Being here with them really does do me good since they make me confront what I have to do for the future instead of my alternatives of not doing anything at all and silently panicking about them. Really. That is what I do with my future plans and partly why my graduate application is still very much unfinished. However, now that I've talked some plans over with my parents now I actually have to do them. Starting now. Fantastic.
       My whole Friday night was really interesting because I managed to do everything that I was hoping to do. I mean, going to two birthday parties, a scary movie night and other stuff all without a car? I think that's impressive. I know I told myself to really choose which things deserve my time the most but really I think this time was alright even though I know I missed some good things from splitting up my time. The one birthday party I went to was just a slopfest with beer pong going and people smoking all over the house. Yuck. What was interesting was that I was dressed kind of nice and I was riding with some friends and one pretty girl who I hadn't met before. She was cute and all the while I was wondering if maybe I could talk to her more and see what would happen. For a while I thought she might have been into me. I even thought that maybe she whispered to her friend that she thought I was hot. That really made my night. That being true or not, I instantly became extremely awkward talking to her. WOMP WOMP. There was actually another guy talking to her that was much more charismatic and I was just a tad bit jealous. Fortunately for me the pretty girl pre-gamed too much with tequila so I was lucky enough to find out my awkward attempts to woo her weren't the end of the world. She ended up passing out on the ride back home. Haha, that's college romance for you. So sure, I'm not straight but when did I start liking girls? There were a bunch of gay guys at the same party too. The birthday girl at the party apparently has a bunch of gay friends, who I found out really loves having her boobs fondled by these gay men. And when I say fondled, I mean clamping on the nipples and groping actions being done. Still, everyone was pretty drunk here so no harm done? There was this one gay guy who was in the military and was showing off his tattoos that I thought was just so hot. On one hand, he was a soldier, is a red head, and had a sexy red beard. On the other hand, he was kind of short and his mannerisms and voice really gave away the fact that he prefers penis. But really I did not mind at all because if I fazed out his voice and just saw him standing in a room, I really was tempted to go make out with him. I think it's just because he was a red head. Seriously.
            On another note, I've decided to maybe start doing things with Red. I mean, I've been whining about him forever and really, I think I'm just kind of ready to do something and just feel something. Am I doing the right thing? I know I want to save what I got for someone special, but really just cuddling up and making out with someone is what I really kind of want right now with somebody I can find attractive and promising I guess. It just seems like the signs in my life just point to why not? And if everything turns out to be a huge and terrible plane crash, I'll be okay, because I'm young and I just got to get out there right? I just hope I don't re-read this post in the future and say, "Damn you past self, you've screwed me over once again!" because really, I do that to myself way too often as it is.

-C.C.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Good Vibes and Awkward Thoughts

         I've worked out for two days straight and I actually feel great! Today wasn't too bad since I got a good friend to pick me up today...even though I didn't realize that we had to go this roundabout way to get to campus that included taking the bus too which made me completely late for class. It got awkward in there since I'm quickly becoming the class dunce in there compounded by the fact that I was really late. I swear I find the class interesting and engaging but I'm not really excelling in it as much as I wish I was. I then actually had a bunch of good social interaction having lunch with some friends from my classes and then spending the rest of the day with Crystal and having lunch and then spending some good study time with another freshman I used to mentor, Rose. I guess I feel good since my day ended on a somewhat good note. However, I don't know what happened but I just didn't get much done except for what I really needed to finish today. I finished some homework due tomorrow and got my bike fixed which made it good as new. Anyway, there is so much work to be done I can't slack off yet.
         One kind of sad little note was that I spent almost all night last night on OkCupid looking at Red's profile there and others' as well. I spent way too much time on it updating and all that jazz. It was actually so much more fun than I had intended too. I keep on thinking maybe I should ask him out on a date. My main motivation being that (this is going to sound a little pathetic) it seems the website thinks we're a really high match. Sometimes I'll think of him and then I'll immediately get extremely turned off by him because of how strongly he propositioned me a while ago. Every time I try to consider him I think of how much of a penis monster he was to me so to speak and I feel ashamed that I'm even considering him in that way. The thing is I think I'm a bit too much of a coward to go out and message anybody else right now. Jesus. It feels that if I ever did go and ask him I'd maybe be settling for him in a way because I don't want to be treated like some dimepiece. Still...why do these stupid thoughts keep popping up? I think my common sense is inherently broken.
       Anyway, this video made me feel good about life in general. It's wonderful.

-C.C.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Bad to Worse and a Silver Lining

       On Tuesday, life was pretty crummy since I just am really bad at coordinating stuff with my friends and parents. Just really bad. I haven't even finished my graduate school app. Really awful huh? I got news from the mechanic that my car is absolutely ruined. The transmission was just done for. I had to mediate with the parents to see what to do with it, which includes towing it back to Houston and all that jazz. Man. Now I feel like such a jerk to my parents for letting this happen because this is a very serious and expensive problem. Also, I keep on aggravating my mom with the fact that I don't keep in contact with her. Gawd I'm a mess. I later find out that I did awful on a test for one of my classes leaving me even more in the dumps. I then take a nap only to miss hanging out with friends which was kind of supposed to be the highlight of my day. Then I have this huge amount of time where I try to do work for all the things I have to do and I don't do them. I actually just surf on Hulu for five hours and don't do a thing.  So much for keeping up with Lent. Man. It was a not stellar day. On the plus side, I literally had maybe over eleven hours of good sleep. It actually made things seem not so awful.
      Wednesday turned out to be not too fantastic since I had class then lunch with Mick. This turned into an awkward lunch date. I don't know, I just didn't have anything to say and looking back on it I was just acting super awkward. That actually happened all day. Sometimes I have days like that. However, we did play with puppies so that was a plus. Afterwards, I actually got a few good things done for my classes which made me feel good about myself. I then proceeded to go and have free pizza somewhere in a park kind of far away and play frisbee. All was well until I had a bike accident and broke my bike. I was way out in the boonies so I had to go walk a ways back to where I needed to be. I still managed to go to a fun meeting and hang out with friends that really made me feel not as bad about my circumstances but really I have had some bad luck these days. What was weird was that I tried to find a friend at a nearby coffeeshop close to my place and bumped into a girl named Kate. This girl was a really nice and interesting girl that I met freshman year and we kind of connected, only to never be seen again. Oddly enough, she hangs around my apartment complex quite a bit and it was just amazing that she fondly remembered me after all this time. We exchanged numbers and maybe we'll be the best of friends? I really think that fate propels us although I am a huge proponent of free will too. I guess I have a sort of balance of it in my head. I feel like everything happens for a reason. So when all these bad things happened to me, I wondered what this meant for my life. As bad as these things can be, I'm really not as upset and miserable as I can be. I just think that there is always an opposite reaction to everything that happens to you in life. So the thing is what now? Life is funny sometimes, but never a dull moment.

-C.C.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Shenanigans and Free Time

       The concert trip and all that jazz was kind of crazy. It was fun, but crazy and definitely not what I expected. So, we all pile in my manvan to get the party started in Austin, and thirty miles out of town my car breaks down. It may have been due to the fact that I took a shortcut through this sketchy driveway that may have ripped up the bottom of my car. Who knows? Am I an irresponsible driver? Well, I am Asian, and I have way too many dents all over my car but I really do try honest. All seven of us are stranded on the side of the road so I call Triple A to help us and they come-almost an hour and a half later...As wonderful as that sounds, I really had a good time because everybody really stayed positive and we laughed a whole bunch about the incident. We even cheered and took pictures of the car being towed. The next obstacle was that the driver told us we could all fit in his truck with him. He said eight people have fit in before. This being a slightly bigger Ford truck, we were surprised, but we all gave it a shot. This led to me sitting on a seat rest, two people resting on the dashboard, one person squished onto the passenger window and everyone else just piled on top of each other on this one guy who was literally buried in people. For a good forty five minutes we are a human mass just chilling in one passenger seat and having an actually not terrible time talking with the driver, taking pictures of ourselves, and being in awe of our situation. When we get back to town, we pile out trying to regain movement in our limbs and then take more pictures of the tow truck and more pictures with the driver. He was really friendly to us and told us to add him on facebook. He even jokingly told me being so squished next to him that he felt closer to me than he ever did with his ex-wife. Hahaha, hilarious and slightly awkward. I can't find the guy anywhere on facebook so I felt bad but this was a pretty good story. The rest of the night was spent jet-setting to Austin trying to get to the concert on time, finding out only one guy from the band was actually playing, dancing with drunk frat stars and then chilling at this lovely 24/7 diner, Kerbey Lane and finding out a friend of ours got arrested for being a minor and being drunk serving minors and all that jazz. All in all a very good night. Sunday all day was just lethargy and unproductive happenings. I did some organization stuff, tried to do stuff and really was only marginally industrious. One thing that was weirdly on my mind was how this one girl Fanny, was just so friendly with me. Actually, I really do like her and we seem to mesh really well, but I just wonder about her. I said I was cold while waiting for the car to be towed and she gave me a big hug and rubbed me all over to keep me warm. She also seems to have a great sense in music. She pretty awesome by my standards. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I could have something with her. What is dawning on me is that I just can't feel enough passion enough for her than I would if she were a guy. I just know it. She's beautiful, intelligent, vivacious, and seems to like me but if she truly liked me back I don't know what I'd do. Maybe she's just being friendly, because I think that's what's happening, but I'm glad this has got me thinking. Sometimes, I think I'd want to be gay because at least I'd have an excuse to not to get out there and approach a guy since the guy is probably not gay and it's still kind sort of a struggle in Texas to find a guy. For a girl, there isn't really any excuse for me to simply get out there and at least ask since the worst she can say is no. Truthfully, as much as I want somebody to love, I'm a real coward. If I was straight, I'd still be alone maybe, because I just don't have the balls. It's not that I don't want to get into a relationship and  and risk getting my heart stomped on, although that really sucks, it's the obstacle of getting out there in the first place. Really, I'm don't know how I'll get past this. Will I have to wait another decade before I have my first real relationship? I may be twenty one, but I feel like a middle schooler when it comes to relationships.
           Monday was busy with classes and lab. It wasn't so bad except I lied about being sick to my TA in lab and he might have seen through it and therefore affecting my grade in lab. But really I don't care as much as I should have since my motivation after these line of tests have really just gone to an all time low. I feel a little like a scumbag but really I'm just going to man up and face the music. After classes I had to deal with my car in the shop and biking everywhere, which was refreshing for me since I exercised more but really it still is a pain. However, the day did get better somewhat since I went to a surprise blacklight party and then did nothing with my time for a while. You know, the usual. In other news, last night I felt really horny just because of going a week without spanking the monkey but really I am proud of myself that I'm really trying to stick to it and trying to wean myself off of my internet dependency including porn. The side effects being partly good since I don't get too moody I guess but also partly unsettling that every so often I'll fantasize about all of a sudden being in a relationship with guys I don't even know. When I say fantasize, I mean acting out in my head full blown meeting, dating, and relationship problems that could happen. I also think about Red from time to time and wondering if we could ever date. I hate doing that to myself. Anyway, I really need to be productive with my free time. Lord.

-C.C.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Sex Dreams and Rodeos

         So I woke up today thinking I was going to the rodeo with my old friend Dani. Her family goes every year to the cook-off and there is some amazing BBQ to be had. However, this year was different because I didn't go. Previous years we didn't go because of school work and awful tests, but this time I was just being an awful friend me thinks. I decided to go to a concert tonight but that meant not going to the rodeo and then all of a sudden I had the brilliant idea to go in the morning and come back in the afternoon to meet up with my concert friend I'm sure when I ultimately decided not to go anymore. Well, the decision mostly being I was thinking about going and then I went back to sleep. So I decided by default I wasn't going when I woke up too late to go to the rodeo. I feel like a crummy friend, seriously. She told me in advance but I never got back to her and then I tried to do two things at once but that didn't work out. It was kind of our thing that we do as friends and this may have been kind of important to her but apparently not as important to me. Also, I woke up to my mom livid at me for not calling her for two weeks and not answering her phone calls. I'm just terrible with taking care of those who matter the most to me even after all this time. Dani is the type of person who doesn't really let you know when she is hurt of offended and that's tricky for me since I'm the type of person who doesn't see that, although I'm sure I did this time. I guess I have to make it up sometime later...hopefully. I know we're best friends, but I sure don't act like it sometimes...
      I guess the highlight of the day, in which nothing else really happened was that I had a flurry of dreams last night. It was crazy. So many dream sequences I couldn't even believe the stuff that was going on. The most interesting things being that I had some crazy wet dreams twice in a row. Well, to be honest they're not sex dreams because I never have sex in my dreams, and when I do anything intimate with someone they're rather rare and never very racy. But when they happen they're kind of the closest thing I have to anything resembling sexual things and I get excited. The first dream was kind of weird but also kind of hot since I was hanging out with this huge jock guy and his girlfriend, but every time she wasn't looking he'd hit on me and tease me sexually or something. The most dramatic moment being when we were actually standing in front of a big department store display case and he reached around and really went at tweaking my nipple. He knew what he was doing too. It hurt a little, but it also gave me a bunch of pleasure too. I couldn't believe it! Right in public. And then we went back to his girlfriend. Then in another dream sequence, I was at the pool and surrounded by guys in speedos. Sure, it sounds like a gay porno shoot waiting to happening, but we were all chilling in the sun and all these guys were naturally really hot and I just leaned over and started making out with one guy. It was awesome at first, but then thinking back on it my dream kiss was weird since I was kissing him but he wasn't kissing back so it was more like tongue-ing an open mouth. I guess since I've never been kissed before it kind of makes sense that my dream wouldn't be very realistic I guess. When I realized this I felt a little dismayed. I want to feel attractive and be with another guy but I know if I do it I'll just feel dirty and empty at the same time. I still feel bad about my friend but I don't have time for this since I have to get ready for that concert I'm going to now. Hopefully I can make it up to Dani somehow.
Let's see how the rest of my weekend goes.

-C.C.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Living Life...for a little bit.

         This weekend is going to be just amazing. I can visualize it, I can feel it, I can literally taste it. If I haven't already mentioned I'm going to enjoy being a college kid for once and just have fun. All the time. Jealous? Yeah-Yuh. Anyway, Thursday wasn't so bad because my classes were just rather laid back today. The main points there being that I had lunch with a guy I really admire. He's a nerdy, alcoholic, party-going, hairy, soon-to-be doctor Irishman. I swear, this is partly why I love college because I get to know people like him. The thing is, I have a terrible habit of putting people on pedestals and he is one of those people I do that to. He is just so intelligent yet he's so charismatic. I love this guy. I wish we were better friends but I just don't have a very good time keeping in touch with people. In any case, we had burgers on the rooftop of a bar on a beautiful, warm and windy day and we had a good talk and laugh about a bunch of things. The thing is sometimes we don't have much that ties us in common anymore and so I feel awkward trying to keep the conversation going sometimes when the conversation lulls. It makes me restless. As if it is a glaring notice that our relationship is bordering on "someone I used to know" instead of real friends and that concerns me sometimes. However, eventually I guess I got more comfortable and I think we had a good time just catching up. After lunch we decided to go and get a quick sake bomb before class and I totally accidentally spilled my sake into my drink so we had to all suddenly bomb before we were ready. I spilled half of the stuff down my shirt but it was really freaking fun. Nothing like taking the edge off of school by day drinking and spilling everything on my shirt. To be honest my friend is kind of an enabler when it comes to drinking, but really being with him is a good time. On the other hand, his life is really full of achievement and successes and his life is gonna be going a mile a minute being an MBA/MD student and being a navy doctor and all. Sometimes, I feel inadequate when I'm around him, like I'm wasting his time discussing our future plans with him. However, I have plans and stuff too. I just have to get my life in order too.
             Later that day, I went to an intramural soccer game where we literally were turned into puree by the other team. I mean, I got a fantastic workout and it I just love playing soccer with my team in general and hanging out with them but dear lord was the other team merciless. One girl on my team was actually tackled into and flipped over onto her face. That was kind of crazy. Noncompetitive intramural league my ass. Awful game aside, a few of us hung out together at a taco place and it was really fun talking and getting to know people. Pete was one of these people and it was great talking to him since he is a pretty cool and interesting person. In addition, I finally was able to make myself realize the fact that he is straight as an arrow so I can just freaking move on. Pathetically enough I felt a bit upset afterwards and ate a bunch of celery and peanut butter later at home as if that was some kind of panacea for sour feelings. I hate crushing on straight guys just because I always do this to myself. Man. Later on that night my old roommates texted me to hang out and even thought I was a bit hesitant at first, I was so glad I did. I forgot how much fun I used to have with them. It's odd how much I laugh and have a good time with one of them, Stevie, when he's a blatant homophobe. But really, it's fine.
             Today, on friday, I had a pretty busy day with classes, the most notable moment being when my professor ragged on me for more or less being a "goober" and the rest of the class followed suite. I mean, it was funny to tell the truth and not so embarrassing really. However, one day, I really hope that people will respect me more and not just think of me as the quirky funny kid that has a really distinctive and loud personality. Also, I had to stay half an hour later than everyone else since I just could NOT understand a part of the lab procedures. It was absolutely unreal how dense my head was not to understand something like that. But all in all everything turned out fine. For the rest of the night I hung out with my freshman friend, Crystal, who's the lesbian I mentioned. We had dinner together and then we bought glow sticks for this special 5K to support orphans in central america where you run in the dark with those things. It was nice to do something like that, although we walked the whole way and I really just wanted to run. However, I have to sleep early and such, because I'm going to the rodeo for some genuine Texan BBQ and then going to a concert for a little band called Passion Pit. THEN, I'm going to do a bunch of organization stuff later on Sunday to top it all off. It's going to be busy and crazy but definitely fun. I'm excited. I love when my life is like this. Hopefully, I'm still making good decisions.
            One last note, for lent, I gave up extraneous internet browsing. That means I'm going to drastically cut back on all the things I do to waste time on facebook and the rest of the internet. This includes internet episodes, online comics, just anything really, but the hardest thing being included is porn. I just thought I'd throw that in because I do spend too much time doing that so from here on out, we'll see how long I can swear off porn too. I think it'll be a good endeavor. We'll see. My longest time has been about two weeks without. Sad perhaps but a personal best really. Anyway, time to party it up until I have to get back to work again.

-C.C.

P.S. If you haven't checked out Passion Pit, maybe it's time you bring back happiness and wonder back into your life.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

Overdue

           I really don't feel well. I've had to deal with such a crazy amount of work in such a short amount of time and it shows. If it weren't for the five cups of coffee I had to down I would be in a very bad place. I actually crashed on the bedroom floor for a few minutes I was so tired. This terrible undertaking is called physical chemistry and today I got extremely lucky. I was so overloaded I didn't have time to study until the night of the test yet I happened to center right on the questions that were on the test. Absolutely astounding. Well, almost, at least I won't make a thirty. I think. Who knows. This whole week has been a terrible blur of stress and work. This is just too much. I'll be very surprised if I don't get a stomach ulcer from stress. It's all over now though, so time to celebrate! I have such a great weekend planned of doing a glow in the dark 5k, going to an animal shelter on Saturday and then a Passion Pit concert, then doing some organization workday stuff on Sunday. It's just going to be a blur of fun activity that I will be so excited to be a part of.
         In other news, my organization did a "Guess Who's Gay" panel today. It was just really enjoyable since I actually got to talk to and hear other GLBT people talk. They were normal for the most part and one guy was all scruffy, straight and cute. It really did me good to go to that meeting. After the meeting, I spent more time with my freshman that I've been mentoring/hanging out with and well, I've never expected that we would see each other almost every single day. It's rather crazy. I can't even explain it. I think we may need some space but in some respects it's pretty cool I guess. What I did find out was that this whole entire time she was actually a lesbian. Wow. That was really amazing. I couldn't believe it for a little bit, but for her to simply come out and say it to me all of a sudden was just mind-boggling. I later revealed that I was bisexual to her and she was actually pretty surprised too. I even told her about a cute guy we knew just to reassert the fact. However, I got the feeling she needed to digest that information a bit more. I don't know but for some reason she seemed uncomfortable learning that. Odd. She told me that today was "interesting". Wut? But looking back on it, today was "interesting" for me too. So I guess I'll leave it at that for now.

-C.C.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Delirium

All nighter again today. Bad decision's impact felt right now. Absolutely ridiculous.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Floundering and Flailing

          That is how I feel. It's kind of terrible. I've been so tired and busy lately I haven't been able to make time for very much really, including taking a few minutes to blog. Life just sneaks up on you and then before you know it you're underwater. I guess a few highlights that happened since the last time were that I found out that I'm going to be an uncle! Truthfully this isn't really such a big deal since I already am an uncle to a bunch of other kids, but this time I have a niece/nephew that's actually going to be born in the States this time! I can actually be in their lives and grow up with them! I'm so excited! This is tempered with the news that my cousin Max is going to a convent to become a nun. She has really become one of my favorite cousins with whom I've really enjoyed her company. She is just so congenial and such a stand up person yet she's making this crazy and monumental choice to become a nun. It's just mind boggling. However, it's what she wants to do right? I'll just miss her when she's gone.
         Meanwhile back in my life, I literally am a bit terrified. I have so much to do. I just can't believe how ridiculous it is. I haven't even studied for my tests yet. It's really stressful. The thing is, this semester is vital to restoring my chances to medical school and these classes really aren't helping. I am just a bit upset at myself for choosing these classes and such but really I hope everything will turn out all right. The most upsetting thing lately is that I've been even worse at managing my time these days. I don't even have a heavy class load really. I mean, I have very difficult classes but I'm taking ten hours of schoolwork. How in the world can I even hope to tackle med school? What am I thinking? Anyway, on the plus side I've been working out more often and I feel better about myself. More attractive perhaps? I suppose. I've recently come upon the realization that even though I love watching all those storylines on television about this gay who comes out and starts dating guys, etc, I think I'm kind of tired of it now. I want to start my own story now. I want to be the one to go out and meet someone and maybe fall for somebody. SOMETHING. I don't go down into the dumps like I used to. I know I'll find somebody. But god am I just so horny sometimes. Also, I've been fostering a crush on this one guy. Pete is his name and he's just so nice and laid back and attractive. He's pretty straight and all so I have to go through this process of getting over a crush again. Truthfully I really like him so being friends with him would be great. This whole thing will go away in time. I hate crushing on straight guys. It's useless and nothing happens, but I guess a guy can fantasize every so often and get away with it.

-C.C.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

It's Go Time

          Things have been stressful considering all the stuff that I've been trying to accomplish. Mostly trying to get my graduate application in, tackling a test, a written test, and a lab report all in one week. I just don't know what I'm gonna do. What in the world? Today was kind of difficult since I was late to class and missed another one which left me in a sort of peeved mood. I also forgot to bring my phone to school which meant I didn't have lunch with Mick today. I'm glad that he remembered though since I saw the text he left me. I just think it was an awful idea to stay up until six in the morning trying to get my stuff in order. What did I just do? I'm too tired to think but then I have to do one hundred sit ups before I go to sleep. Ugh. On another note, I saw my old crush at the gym today. We worked out next to each other on multiple occasions but I really didn't want to bother saying hello. Thought it would be awkward for both of us. I wonder if he saw me? I was a bit upset I kept thinking if he saw me and obsessed over seeing him. Still immature as always it seems.

-C.C.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Aftermath

           Good lord. Today was kind of brutal. Actually, I should have said the past few days have been brutal. I've gotten like five or six hours of sleep in the past three days? I cannot believe how willing I am to drag myself through the dirt. All for a test I don't think I did super stellar in today. Oddly enough my professor called me out in a joking manner perhaps that he made a bet with the TA's that I wouldn't read the sample questions for the test that he decided to put in the test. I actually did read and research the questions beforehand but I decided to answer with a suprised, "WHAAAAAT???" So of course I looked like the fool and seemingly validated his bet. FANTASTIC. I'm a slacker now. Also, to make things worse I had to go to research lab right after that doing prep work that was supposed to only take an hour but took me almost two and a half hours. I was so damn tired and I couldn't think straight. I literally could not retain any information on how to do the lab. I swear I almost fell asleep in lab. In addition, I was just looking at all of the things I had to do by next week and I have a test, a written test, a lab report, homework, and I need to finish my graduate app before the end of the week god knows what else left. Wow. I don't feel so good. I need a break on life.
         In other news Happy Valentine's Day! I actually don't feel upset or depressed about today at all. Judging from my past mood swings I guess I should be in the throes of angst and self-pity but I feel pretty alright. I guess that's a good sign. I actually feel good enough to work out and be productive! Whoa. I think I'll go do that and really tackle what I have to do. On a weirder note to keep myself awake while I studied I went and jacked off for a while at like four in the morning. It worked, but there is this odd cycle where sometimes I won't spank the monkey for a while and I'll become really horny for a day then for a good number of days afterward I find it easy to continue not jacking off because I just don't feel horny. At all. The same thing happened today. I was so busy for the past few days I didn't really do anything so I thought  it would be great to let off some steam but the whole time I was jacking off I just didn't really feel anything. It was the oddest thing ever. I even ejaculated and everything...but I felt....normal. No pleasure receptors ringing...nothing. I mean, all that kept me awake and partially aroused but...nothing. Anything, it's probably not a big deal but it was a little unsettling.

-C.C.

Monday, February 13, 2012

It still counts

             So.....does a blog entry that is technically the next day still count for the previous day? Only if you didn't actually go to sleep. Today is actually just a very long day from yesterday. It counts. I also drank three fourths of a coffee pot so I'm obviously going to have a heart attack and die. But only after I finish studying for my test. I can't believe I just did this. I'm jittery and my heart won't stop beating. I can't type. I must STUDY FOREVER.

-C.C.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Losing Focus

        I really am losing focus. On life, on my goals, what I really want, and what I have to do. I'm just not good at meeting deadlines and doing things. On another note, I thought I was okay in the whole being alone department, but unfortunately it doesn't take much to lose focus in that too. But I just have to remember everything that I've learned from these past few weeks and years being myself. I have to meet my responsibilities and do it for the right reasons. In short, in the words of a wise man, life is full of bull and I have to man up to meet those challenges in life. I have to appreciate myself and it is actually kind of hard to do that.
       Today was really unproductive as Saturdays are want to be. I did go to an interview for a counselor position today. It was for Camp Kesem, which is an amazing and wonderful organization helping kids whose parents have cancer. Absolutely wonderful. I have had amazing experiences with the camp and the people in it and I'm really excited to continue that journey. One thing that I realized that I more than ever need to man up and really carry myself with more self-respect. I don't know, I always really carry myself in a very loud, energetic and kind of frivolous manner when I'm with friends. It makes for a really good time with friends, but in all honesty as an adult man I have to get it under control. I wanted to do the teen camp portion of camp, but it seems I won't be considered maybe because I might not be such a good fit for older teens when I'm so seemingly much better with younger kids. However, I just know I could be a great teen camp counselor. Just really make it happen. I know inside I want to take that next step than working with the smaller kids, although it was actually a wonderful experience. In addition, I applied for a fundraiser postion too, although I probably won't get that either. The reason for that being I'm not qualified. But in a sense realizing all of that motivated me a bit to really strive to do something more than I already have. To be honest, I think it's time for an overdue change in myself. A change that doesn't need to happen all at once but it needs to happen soon. On another note, a friend told me that just six months ago I was drastically different from the person I am now. Interesting. I guess this is what they call growing up.

-C.C.

Overcommitted

          That's my problem. All the time. It's almost four in the morning and I really have a problem. I stayed up until three last morning not getting anything done and then skipped a class today. I then went to the rest of my classes just knowing that I had a bunch of things on my mind I still haven't accomplished. I have a test on tuesday, some planning I need to do, my applications to finish, and homework I need to take care of and all of this. Today all I really did was just go around applying for more things to do when I clearly can't even handle the things that are on my plate now. It seemed like such a good idea at the time but things can come crashing down really soon if I'm not careful and prudent about my actions for the next two days. Today was another lesson in over committing since I had the chance to go to this amazing broomball social but I didn't because I thought I could handle going and visiting a friend's place first. I did hang out with my friend who I had so much fun with but I missed broomball, which was kind supposed to be the highlight of my week. I really wish I was there. I guess that's just another lesson I have to learn the hard way. I do this to myself way too often and I have to learn that I just can't deal with it. Yikes.

-C.C.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Lunch with Mick and other things

          Wednesday was pretty laid back in that I didn't get anything done. I mean, I went to a few organizational meetings to see what was up and spent some part of the day marginally studying for classes, but beyond that, I just can't believe that I didn't get as much as I wanted done. It was discouraging. However, one very interesting development occurred that day. I had lunch with a friend I hadn't really talked to in around a year or so. I'll name him Mick. We had known each other for most of college and had lunch quite a few times but we never really went beyond that kind of casual relationship. I bumped into him a day or two ago and then we decided we would have lunch on Wednesday. To me he seems rather successful since he's going off to law school and is busy with this well-known Christian men's organization. He's done stuff with his life and I'm sure he will continue on that path. Sometimes we really click, and sometimes, conversation is kind of painful with him. Partly because I feel he can tell when I squeeze in filler topics with no substance due to my discomfort at lulls in conversation. Partly also because we don't have that much in common? I suppose it might just be me. In any case, we had a pretty decent conversation that day. It went well. One thing that was different about all our other encounters was when he brought up God in the conversation. I knew he was a respectably strong Christian before, but it seems he has really grown and matured and advanced in his faith. He decided to ask me about how I felt about God. I feel a little ashamed to say that I actually felt somewhat uncomfortable. I don't know. I guess that religion is something that I consider somewhat private. This is kind of contrary to what many people at my school do since I know quite a few people very open and communicative with their faith. Such a thing doesn't bother me, but I prefer to keep to myself. Maybe it's because I haven't had many experiences that have asked me to share and discuss it. So when I answered him, I told him honestly I do hold a relationship with God important, but that my stance with the church and the theology was more vague and shaky. When I asked him the same question, he gave me a somewhat personal answer that I thought was interesting. Like how realized he didn't really understand what God meant to him, how he thought that what he was doing as a "righteous" person was enough and how he would observe people seemingly partaking in sin and feel better than them in some way. But reform his perceptions a bit and was in a different place. After this exchange, he told me he wanted to keep on discussing these kinds of things with me and really get to something deeper. The conversation eventually trickled down to more superficial topics that I brought up to ease the lull and eventually we parted ways. For me, this an interesting conversation. I guess I was looking for something deeper these days. At the same time I was thinking of exploring my faith a bit more. Both of those things I put on my to do list and went on with my life. So perhaps, thinking about all this, I'll take his bait and try to get deeper with him. See where it takes me. Perhaps this will help me develop as a person. Perhaps it will become a bit awkward, but we'll see. I guess my Wednesdays will be a bit more interesting.
          On the following day I also got diddly squat done today academically. I had a quiz today that I completely bombed even though I thought I studied adequately. It put me in a somewhat peeved mood. I actually couldn't go back to studying so I went to work out instead. It really didn't improve until I finished class for the day. I later I may have wasted the day away instead of being productive. I mean, it was pretty fun with an intramural soccer match and a trip to an ice cream place and a cozy little burger place thirty minutes away from town, but really I had so much to do today I don't understand how I could still be so negligent. I guess I am in for a long night? It was kind of worth it. I did have fun. So, no procrasturbating for me tonight. Hopefully. Weeeeell, not for long perhaps. Maybe. I don't know. I'll keep an open mind. That's more like it. Weird how I talk seriously about developing myself and such one minute then joke about procrasturbating the next. I'm a real mess.

-C.C.