A prayer in the night

A little while ago, I stopped thinking about this website as a blog since I thought that I have nothing to blog about. However, this is probably more due to the fact that I am lazy, a too undermotivated, and distracted by more important busy work elsewhere. But when I do need to say something I'm glad I have this blog.

This won't be too long since I have to wake up at 6:00 am for a chemistry study group. It'll be awful but hopefully not too awful. We'll see.

Anyway, I have two roomates and one relatively new roomate who moved in a month or two ago as opposed to  when I moved in in August. The new roomate is a cool guy. He originally went into the army and now he's back in school and plans to study fire science and start his life. He is rather down to earth but at the same time he has a good sense of humor to balance himself out. He's also a partier and a slight drunk, but he fits in with my other roomates. I don't drink very often at all but on a blue moon I'll get in the spirit I guess...haha.

He's an all around amiable guy and I like him more or less. We get along rather well. The thing is, he's homophobic. He's made it clear quite a few times. Not that he openly discriminates per se, but he definitely does not appreciate the company of a GBLT person. That makes me a bit sad. In addition, what odd and ironic karma that he's rooming with a closeted bi guy like me. Actually, I feel like I'm more sexually confused really but that's not the point here. It makes me uncomfortable not because of his opinion, but because I'm always so timid when it comes to voicing my opinion on these matters. Tonight, we were watching a talk show disscussing those suicides of the bullied gay kids and NR voiced his opinion again. My other roomate is pretty chill when it comes to GBLT people and I'm happy for that and he voiced his opinion accordingly, but I really could say very much at all. I wish I could have added a bit more, but I didn't although I have some good points now that the convo is over. I just hope that maybe he could be a little open minded about this as time goes on. He's not a bad person though, and he's welcome to have his own opinion, but I think this kind of thinking is just so backward and useless. A bit discouraging when I think about it really.

However, what really got me was when he started talking about this guy named Keith. Keith is a guy who was a childhood friend of NR's brother and they grew up together, etc. Long story short Keith and some other guy hooked up in his car and two months later the whole small town that NR came from knew about it. The little brother was livid apparently. Partly because him and Keith were in a threesome with some girl and now his gay childhood firend saw him naked and it's complicated, etc.

But I just couldn't stop thinking of Keith until I wrote this all down on paper. The whole town knows he's gay and it's probably full of homophobic people too and amoung other things he's lost his best friend. Suffice to say Keith's life is hard for him and I just want to say a prayer for that guy. I don't know how he looks like, who he is, or what are his circumstances, but I want to pray for him. That life gets better for you man and that you come out of your problems better than you went in. If I could I'd reach out to you buddy, but in the anonymity of this blog, that's probably not gonna happen. When I came out to my one best friend it was a bit terrifying. I was lucky for things to have worked out, and I braced myself for a reality without her, but losing a friend at all is not a world I want to be in. Either way, good luck Keith, and good night because it does get better doesn't it? That what that one congressman said in his public address that one time and what famous celebs like Pink and Ke$ha have also said something about one way or another. So hopefully, it does. For all of us out there.

Life is better

When I listen to Train, I always feel good. Maybe its due to songs like "Meet Virginia" or "Drops of Jupiter". But life is looking good really. Or more importantly, better than awful. I usually don't blog if life is going well. I need an emotional outlet and this is where the sad upchuck goes. Oh well. I might update later when I feel like writing something with substance. Haha.

Looking at the Past

I won't make this a big thoughtful whatzit about my life. I was just reading my past posts and as much as I needed it....they were kinda embarassing seeing how whiny and suck they seem to me.

So....read them at your own risk I guess. D:

I think...today was genuinely a day that signals a small turning of a new leaf for me. And that is a revelation for me definitely.

I spent all this time off of facebook and everything and I feel great. Just have a good feeling today listening to good jams. I won't always feel this way, but it's always important to record it for posterity.

In other news..............that longing/thumping in my chest for that special person (a guy mostly) is back again. I'll find him one day. I love imagining it often that's for sure.

Let me take a deep sigh to make it hurt a little less.

Okay. A little better.

Heya Here I am

It's been two years since I came back to this thing. Don't regret it at all though.

Anyway, looking back on this now, I've seen myself in another cycle of failure and remorse and we'll just see what this summer has in store for me. We'll just see........

Oh, and I found out I find women attractive, but I'd frankly sometimes just stick with one or the other because right now its confusing. Whatevs.

But I need someplace to vent right now. So let me say this:

I REALLY REALLY MISS FISH CAMP RIGHT NOW!!!!

:(((((((((((

I can't really contain it now although I thought I could....I need to vent this out. Freakin LOVE fish camp and being on the outside looking in is painful more often than not. I really doubt I'll be picked up though. I don't think so at all. I just have to deal with it. I'm a much different person than I was two years ago. Which makes me happy, but I still make life hard for myself because I suck at life.

Oh.....and apparently I seemed to be so much more eloquent and thoughtful about what I wrote and how I wanted to express myself.

As they say......one step forward, two steps back I guess.