Do...I do it?

Like I said before...there's this guy...and we met each other a long time ago and never much else than a polite conversation every so often. So, until a series of events happened where I told him I was into guys, he's been every so often messaging me to do stuff with him. I guess like once a week now that I think about it. And when I say stuff I mean he wants my ass from the way he's been talking to me. It just bothers me. I want something more than that but when he propositions me I can't just tell him off. I'll think back on it and want it, no matter what morals or whatever rationalizations I come up with. I'm pretty sure I'll regret it but right now I just want to make out with him again. Good God. It's just hard. Usually, I'll be very turned off by his advances and then later I'll fantasize about having his dick in my mouth. Yeeeeeep, I'm classy. I guess I have to make things clear with him pretty soon because I don't want to lead him on. It's just that...I'm afraid I might go back on my words and I'll have that moment where I really just want to run back to him and ask to get my rocks off with him. A part of me wants to keep true to what I really want and another part of me knows that but still wants a booty call open. Geez.

Watch Out World, I'm on My Man Period.

Apparently that's what's going on right now. I mean, the depressing post, the pity fest I had for half of the day, and then the crying session I had after my roommate addressed me in a slightly annoyed tone. I SWEAR I am more emotionally stable than this. Really. It's marginally embarrassing but I'll just walk it off. Or something. Hopefully. My goodness.

A Dilemma for the Lonely and Heartbroken.

        After I tried to jerk off on skype with Red (guy from previous post) I honestly felt disgusted and a little guilty. I mean, I felt as if I had more scruples than that. I was in a little bit of disbelief that I couldn't control myself and that I easily let some guy I barely knew see me in a way that didn't leave room for anything that I really craved like I don't know, some kind of mental or emotional connection. I felt really distraught and burnt out on this tug of war between the horny bastard and the hopeless and slightly disillusioned hopeless romantic inside of me. Still do a bit I suppose. Red apparently is really interested in "making me his bitch" in a crude sense. It turns a part of me on but at the same time I really don't want that. I know that if I ever went all the way, I'd know I'd this awful feeling inside of me, because I'd know this was only for sex as a stimulus, and little else.

      I want my first everything to be with someone I have a real connection with. I want to find that guy. The thing is...there's this sense of urgency right now that since I've never done anything with a guy in my while twenty one years that it'll be many more years until I really even get a sliver of a chance to really be with someone that I should make the best of it and go all the way with this guy. But I know that if I do that, a part of my heart might surely break more than it has. I think it'll be hard for me to do anything casual with a guy. Not that I won't enjoy it, but afterwards I'll think back and know this isn't what I really want. In the end, I may just go through with it and in retrospect conclude that because I was lonely, I became a little bit of a slut, because of my fear that I may not find that person perhaps for years. I really do want to go all the way with him sometimes but I know that I am totally capable of taking the high road and waiting for that guy for a bit longer. But do I really want to do that? Could I really survive that? Or will this just make the loneliness inside me create a deeper crevice inside me? Or perhaps the third option...to just come out entirely, because then I might actually find someone the proper way. No lies, no nothing, which is attractive. But am I really gay? I actually still don't know. I'm sure a large part of me is, but I do find women mysterious and attractive too to some extent. Is that enough? I wouldn't even know where to begin. 

    I don't know....I just...hate this, I guess. At the same time, I know this is something I have to grow up and deal with. I also know that everyone feels this way at one time or another. But then why does my heart still hurt so bad? I just want to feel how "Love" feels like. That's all I can think of right now. It's all I want sometimes. Not just the big cinematic moments but the small yet irreplaceable moments only two people can share. There have been times where all I truly crave is to hold hands with a guy and have them squeeze back because they really do want me. And sometimes, my heart breaks regardless because I know that right now, it's something that's out of reach for me, while being stuck in this stagnant limbo of loneliness. I don't know, sometimes I don't feel attractive or that anyone wants me to be their "somebody". It hurts. It's a concealed and silent hurt that comes out from my heart and radiates through my body. I feel like it has been wearing me down for too long and my heart is tired. This feeling I am too familiar with. Will...I ever find somebody? I don't think I can answer that.

What did I just do????

So after all this talk about staying classy and really thinking my actions through, I go ahead and do a jerk off session with the previous guy on skype together. I mean, I saw his junk, he saw mine, and there was a bunch of dirty talk to...which coincidentally turned me on. Dammit.
      However, the whole time, I was really nervous, and I didn't come. I just couldn't get hard. He was naked and pumping away but I just couldn't reciprocate. I guess I'm kinda glad, but at the same time I really can't take the high ground now without backtracking and making it awkward. This whole thing was really new and it was kinda strange for me. I feel a little bad for stretching out everything, but if he stops messaging me now, I wouldn't mind either. This was kinda crazy. I guess more thoughts on this later.

An Update

So the guy messaged me again today and apologized for "being so vulgar". I thought that was nice. I was wondering where that nice guy part of him went and if he always had this horny bastard side of him. But then again I can't judge. I'd probably be the same if I wasn't such a wimp. Honestly though...I was looking forward to fooling around with him and now maybe it'll be awkward since he'll want to be more cautious if we ever do meet up? I dunno, I just want to throw away all that stay classy stuff right now and just make out with him hardcore. When he apologized I assured him it wasn't a big deal and then offered...a cuddle date. Wow. I might like men but that is cringe-worthy. I just am really not socially gifted am I? I don't know. I'm at that weird stage where I'm really horned up thinking about fooling around with that boy but not in the mood at all to look at some porn and get it over with.
    By the way, I feel like I should elaborate that he's not what you'd call a stud but he's cute and him being a redhead pushes all the right buttons for me. He seems like a regular friendly guy. He had cerebral palsy as a kid and had experimental surgery as a child so now he's fine and healthy but he suffers from spasms every so often. Some people might not like that but I think it's kind of cute. By the way, I don't really think we click that well. I'm just saying. We get along, but we exchange niceties and then he usually leaves the conversation politely since we don't really have much else to talk about. Also, I'm notoriously awkward at conversation. I had thought I'd be much more adept by now but it seems I am still glaringly lacking. So, even if we do have this...cuddle date (Ugh, let me go work out after this so I don't implode from embarrassment) I think whatever we might have will die down pretty quickly. Will it get awkward? I'm afraid it will. By the looks of it...maybe I won't get laid after all. Whatever, I still need to go work out so I'm not so doughy. I actually still want to fool around in that model bedroom though, so if nothing else goes right in my life, I can tell that to rando's who'll pay me mind and think I'm interesting. Fantastic.

-C.C.

Well that was easy.....

    Doing it with a dude. Not even romance, but just the simple things like for instance making out and feeling another person's (again mainly a guy's) warmth, touch, and weight on me seemed like something I'd never do for a really long time. Maybe in my late twenties. Yeah, sounds about right. Yipes. For a really long time that tore me up inside. It killed me. As much as I tried not to, I started to secretly resent couples not because they were in love, because love is just a whole mess in itself, but because they got to do the little simple things that I always craved of doing. 

    So it was really crazy that in the last half hour, the guy I found out was gay online just randomly messaged me on facebook and effectively led to him hitting on me. Hard. And I have to say, I'm glad I stuck to my guns and all but I really was tempted to go to his office and have a makeout/heavy petting sesh with him. He even offered to do it in the model bedroom with me! Hahaha. I was tempted to do it just for kicks. But anyway, just a day or two ago I was wallowing in self pity that I had no one to do anything with and then all of a sudden this happens. I mean, I really wanted to just jump on the first guy who offered but goodness. Anyway, he's cute and a redhead-ish kinda guy but we'll see what happens. 

    However, when he was hitting on me hard, it was the sort of "send me some pics" and "come to my office and you can see my peen in person" kinda thing. A turn on and a turn off at the same time. I want to go with full on abandon but at the same time I want to have a little decency thrown in there. There's this balance in my head between the "I wanna make out and touch his junk side" and the "I gotta stay classy and really not rush into this" side. Very confounding. So, the whole conversation was more or less that he came on to me, and I said "Say what? The hell you talkin bout touchin these goods??? I wanna stay classy." and then he went on to prove a very convincing case of "C'moooooooooooon. We can do it in the model bedroom. C'moooooooon." Then end result being that I gave him a raincheck (because I really do want to make out in that model bedroom) and throughout the conversation I may have portrayed myself as a little bit of a flirt leaving him with a case of blue balls. I was a bit indirect throughout the whole thing but again that was because I was a little conflicted. He did tell me he was rock hard from our conversation which I thought was really hot. No lie. 

   I seriously knew I had to leave or he might have me facedown in a pillow perhaps, (truthfully, he really wasn't THAT persuasive, but I don't know, maybe it's the young male virgin hormones kicking in) so I told him I had to go to sleep, which I do, and we exchanged numbers. Which MAY have been a bad idea but I wanted to take that risk.  He did say "Night Stud" which I liked, for obvious reasons and I shut down facebook. I'm pretty sure I opened a can of worms here, but I am rather interested to see what happens. And truthfully, it may be not such a big can of worms after all. This is my first time doing ANYTHING with a guy, nevermind flirting and being hit on and I have to say, it did feel really good. Actually, right before he talked to me I bust a nut and here I was getting hard and horny again. I really was tempted. No lie. 

   Anyway, it's so late but where else would I share this story?? All I wanna do now is makeout now. GAWD. At least I'll get SOMETHING in my LAST YEAR OF COLLEGE. Fantastic track record. On second thought I do wonder whether I might come off kinda gay and that's why he hit on me, but I guess I'll have to leave it be. But now all I want to do is go out and work out nonstop because I don't look too impressive. In fact I feel sloppy and a little doughy. You win the grand prize buddy, making out with a sloppy mess like ME. HELL YES. Life is interesting, but then again, I'm gushing over an incident where a dude couldn't get in touch with a booty call and went out on a limb to come onto me and then proceeded to slightly aggressively hit on me. Although maybe he was just really horny and any guy would do? Definition of romance? Absolutely not. But then again, I'm thinking about touching his johnson right now so where does that put me?

-C.C.

P.S. He's the student coach for the rowing team at our school and I was thinking of joining next semester...so there's that...we'll see.

My Class Ring

It's here. Nuff said. It's a sort of a beginning and a beginning of the end. But right now, everything's all good. Got to be with some family and friends and it was wonderful. Nuff said.

The End of Summer and the start of....?

       I really have to work on my writing skills. Seriously, they are just lacking. Absolutely awful. Maybe if I'm the world's harshest critic to myself I'll improve? Perhaps.

      Just before I get into it, I LOVE MISFITS!!! What a novel and amazing show!!! Augh!! I love Simon now! He's so much less creepy and unapproachable when he fixes his hair and shows off his fit bod. Heeell yeah. I really want to see more of Alisha and Future Simon. Awesome. I'm also gonna introduce Misfits to my friends. Just freakin awesome. I mean, I hated the first three of four episodes, but who knew it would be such a great series??? Awesome. SQUEEEEE!!! Wow. I really thought I was past this stage of narrative, but there it goes again. Looks like I'll just have to be the world's harshest critic to myself for a bit longer.

      Anyway, so much has happened to me in the past few days that it's really just so uncanny. Classes are over for the summer and I've gone and done quite a few things that make me feel like these past few days were rather productive. I finished my research job for the summer as well as my classes for strength training. There was a guy named Javier who I really liked and wanted to be besties with but I never really got to hang out with him. I keep on wondering if I'll ever see him again? The class itself was difficult, but I'm glad I did it. I actually felt like I was getting my bod whipped into shape now. But now looking forward this semester is going to be so difficult. I'll have to cut social stuff and stack on dat course work AND start studying for the MCAT. Geez. Hoooweee. Lawd have mercy. Hopefully I don't feel that antisocial and alone.

    On that note I've noticed a change in perspective with the people I consider my friends. It's been hard for me to be mature enough to let people in and out of my life. This is especially true for people in my fish camp. They meant so much to me and yet it was so long ago now. I have trouble moving on, but I've finally started to really do that. I do see them fairly often and I want to keep in contact with them, but in the end of the day, I'm going to have to let them go when I graduate. I just don't seem to connect with them on a basis that could lead to some kind of deeper friendship. I want to, but it seems that it will happen whether I want it to or now. I hope this year leads to some kind of closure, or maybe an open door? I guess only time will tell. In other news, I moving out on FRIDAY!!! Gotta get down and move stuff on friday. FUN FUN FUN FUN. D: I was glad to have the roomates that I did. I'm somewhat glad I had Corey as a roomate and REALLY glad to stop living with Steve. I'm SO glad. No more dirty dishes whooop!

   The main reason that I wanted to write this post was because I found out that being a virgin doesn't really matter. It's not a big deal. Perhaps a bit, but I'm so much more comfortable with where I am now. It just did me so much good to know that more people than I think are still holding out for marriage or that real somebody special. It makes me feel much better. I had so many insecurities about it before but know I feel like I am a bit better.

Finally, the family and I took some time out to clean out the grandparents' house today. It was a great bonding experience and we found out such interesting things like how grandpa actually wrote every cousin's chinese names with a sort of feng shui significance that was just so mystical and interesting. It was definitely a sad experience at times, but it was punctured by times of finding strange strange things around the house like a box of wood chips and a purse full of scandalous new underwear. Hilarious.

I had so much to talk about for this post in addition to what I've already written and yet...it's suddenly gone? But, oh well, more of my currently AMAZING life to come.

It's bad

Procrastination. It's a huge problem for me. I'm procrastinating RIGHT NOW so that I don't study for the GRE or at least go work out, or even wash a few dishes. I actually have to go down to Houston for a small bit. I want to see the parents as much as I can. But, I have so much to do.

All this procrastination is really stopping me from living my life. My all the suck things that are happening are due to the fact that I'm stopping myself. Somehow, I'm stopping myself from really doing what I want to do. This is awful. Let's get this done.

The Dreamscape

        I had a chock full of dreams last night. It was amazing. I remember most of them pretty well. One of them was about some kind of rush to go somewhere or do something that had to do with my cousin and her husband. In my dream they weren't married yet but about to be and there was some urgency. But we all ended up getting into a red car and traveling somewhere. Later on, I get out of the car and I am greeted by a really old friend. Probably one of my oldest friends from pre-kindergarten. He goes to my college now but we've drifted so far apart we can only be classified as strangers now. It makes me a bit sad but after a long time I've come to terms with it more or less. In the dream he's a car attendant and he doesn't recognize me. We get along really well and catch up on everything. It was nice. It's just odd to see him as a car attendant washing the car, etc since he's really well-dressed these days and everything. It felt as if we could one day be the best of friends again, but at the same time it felt like it would never happen since both of us were still ultimately strangers to each other in the dream.
        The most memorable dream I had that night was with my now deceased grandpa and I think my grandma as well. It was actually the first of my dreams. Up till now I had never had a dream of him. It was kind of just what I needed though, because all we were doing was spending time with each other. The house we were in was their old house, but it was strangely illuminated by only one singular light so the rest of the house was swathed in degrees of darkness and shadow. At the same time it wasn't scary but warm and comforting. For a small moment it felt so real and it made me extremely happy that I was reunited with them and I could have that last talk with them that I neglected to have with them before. It is rather unusual for me to feel great waves of happiness or emotion in a dream. In retrospect, I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize it was all a dream because somewhere in that particular dream I saw gramps guest star on Sesame Street. He was in costume as a homeless man. He looked like Oscar, from Arrested Development. Identical to this picture.

So yeah, it was a dream. But it was a good one. A dream sequence that made me think and cause me to take a few moments out of my day and just look back on my life. Interesting. 

Twenty One

Yep. It's here. I'm twenty one!!! Today is officially my birthday. It really feels good. Nothing has changed perhaps, but I think that it's gonna be a pretty god-durn good year. I'll try and make it the best year I've ever had. We'll see what happens. Wow. It's just so strange, but I think things are gonna be looking up I'm sure.

The First Father's Day

Seeing my parents gets me so emotional these days. Especially Hallmark originated pseudo-holidays like this one that make me evaluate their significance in my life. Probably because I don't have my grandparents living next to me anymore and that their age seems to show so conspicuously now. It's a little bit scary but more than anything it makes me sad. Like every moment is a moment that I will never have again. I feel sometimes like I'm grasping at straws. I'm moving on with my life and starting new things, but at the same time I feel like I'll be leaving behind my parents. So, in the process, I'll be effectively missing out on them. It's just an emotional rush every time that I don't know what to do. There's nothing wrong with them medically, and yet I can't help feeling like they might disappear any day now. But deep down I know that maybe all that I'm feeling is justified. Just maybe.

We watched a video of my grandpa's seventieth birthday. It was really wonderful seeing everyone happy and looking so much younger and different. Seeing baby me spit up on himself a few times wasn't very cute though. It was great to see a throwback to the old days and remember my grandparents still going strong. And then it hit me. This was the first father's day that I wouldn't have a grandpa to celebrate with. And it was the first father's day that my mom didn't have her father to celebrate with. Strange...

Weird...

It's summer...so I should be happy...but why does it feel so lonely? Oh well I guess...

Milestones

So Osama Bin Laden is dead. Thought I would put this here as a sort of milestone to really just document it. I'm not really that happy about it like everyone else is though. I mean, we're still at war and there are still SO many problems left to solve.

Also, I still have to take my biochemistry final. Geez. At any rate...for some reason I'm so pissed by all the jubilation. It just feels...anticlimactic. Nothing has been solved. But only time will tell I suppose. GAWD. Must study more!!!

It's College, What can I say?

Today was fun. Made me realize that even though my grades are awful and my life is an unplanned mess, I still have so much to be thankful for. Met a few old friends again and I went to a few people's ring ceremonies??? Kinda, and then went to a friend's house to eat pizza and watch Harry Potter with their parents. Just good clean fun.

Then I came home and had margaritas with tequila while dancing a little to bad music while the roommates did whatever. Highlight of the night was that my homophobic roommate was hopped up on Ambien and was all sorts of sloppy. It was hilarious. He then proceeded to tell me he was a different person on Ambien. For example, he told me he likes to have sex with dudes. Weird? Very. Hilarious? Pretty much. He likes to say weird things all the time of varying topics but it's just funny since he's so homophobic. He did say it with a straight face...kinda...hmmm...haha. He did say he'll remember all this in the morning though! Cheers to being sloppy, roomie!

School Daze

I don't enjoy school anymore...............

Why do I under perform in classes so much?????

It consumes my life.............

I'll never get into professional school like this...........

In fact, I'm going to have to do a post-Bac just to be considered remotely competitive........

The Happenings

I feel that it's good that I've picked up blogging. For one thing this improves my coherence and vocabulary while also documenting my life. I feel like life slips by. It's long, but also short at the same time. Crazy. Anyway.

Had a great exciting weekend with no work done really. Awful.

Relay for life was so much more fun than I imagined. The walk of silence for the survivors and victims of cancer was actually VERY poignant and meaningful for me this year. I loved it. No work done.

In the morning, it was a bit heartbreaking because at one point I thought I wasn't going to do inner tube water polo because of lack of people and at one point I couldn't go to a Camp Petrick breakfast reunion. By the GRACE OF GOD I was able to do both. I think somebody was watching out for me that day!!! It made my weekend to do both. Life was good that day. I then tried to do work. No work done.

On Sunday, I went with Camp Kesem to Austin for a camper reunion. Only a handful of peeps went by again I was surprised by how much fun I had. I was glad I went and I became better besties with people I knew. I got back home and tried to get something churned out. No work done.

Today was Q-drop day. I was mostly convinced that I would drop Biochemistry. I talked to multiple people and I got mixed reviews. But at the very last minute I decided to stick with it. I got a text with a girl I knew in class and she got the same grades I did and wasn't going to drop at all. For some reason I decided to go through with it and weather Biochemistry the rest of the year. It was odd. I asked for some kind of divine guidance and I feel SOMETHING happened. Haha. I don't know, but I THINK I made the right choice.

BUT I got a quiz tomorrow that I haven't studied for since I thought I was gonna Q-drop!!! HAHA. Not that funny. We'll see. Life is odd.

Now I have a whole set of problems left like what am I going to do in the summer? what classes am I to take? Where am I to live? What am I going to do when I graduate??? Seriously. Ridiculous. But....we'll see what happens. I guess that's life. I also promised myself not to drop my friends all the time and make time for them as well as work out and not procrastinate anymore. WELP. That means the end of this blogging!!! See ya next time!

Oh, and on another note, I was going to study last night, but I ended up on craigslist a.k.a sketchy ad central for house searching and of course I read the missed connections and booty calls in the area. I was very tempted to answer a few that were "Hang out and see where it goes" thing. Something that could be KINDA a blind hangout/meet-up. But...I dunno, I felt I wouldn't be enough of a catch to do it. Like I wasn't attractive enough or not in shape enough. It made me want to go to the gym or something. Made me more susceptible to the whole I need to become somebody that isn't where I am right now body wise thing. Oh well. What can you do?

Living

For some reason..........I feel like I'm not living the life I want to live........

What am I going to do???

Tonight

Tonight, I am hiding from my roomates, who are having fun. I am hiding from them so they don't invite me to their time consuming drinking games. I have SO much work to do and I can't confront them like this. It'll get awkward. I have so much homework......I can't believe it..........

Anyway, I also bumped into that guy again who I found on the sites. Interesting to see him after so long. Also, I am getting kinda sick........let's see how this goes.......

It's the little things........

Ever since spring break it has been making me SUPER depressed. I feel like no one responds to my messages and stuff.........It makes me realize I'm not very good at keeping friends. Like at all. :((((

I wish I could make connections with people better....but whatever I guess. I just can't let it go. 

Also, my organization that I'm in called "One Love" just isn't cutting it for me. I don't know what it is but I am so socially awkward when I'm around those people. I just haven't been making that connection and yet so many other people around me seem to be doing so and having a great time. I kind of dread going to the meetings because I just don't really connect with anyone and conversations are just flat and superficial. But sometimes it's nice to be there....sometimes I guess......

In other news I messed up in Biochemistry lab today.......OMG so awful. But my lab partner didn't get mad at me and instead got mad at herself. It was mostly my fault though....shucks. I feel kinda unintelligent in many of my classes, but I guess that's the learning curve that I just gotta conquer.

Anyway. Biochemistry test on Thurs!!! Need to study and do an all nighter!!!! Wish me luck. I keep on using the internet to procrastinate. Geez!

Productivity......

Chopped mah pubes off instead of studying for Biochem.

Worth it?

Not sure. My crotch feels like a prickly pear and I cut my johnson with the razor......... D:

Good thing I don't have someone to shack up with so they don't see my debacle of a crotch right now....dear lord.

But I did feel really productive. Haha....woo...

Roomates are playing beer pong today on a Sunday night? Woo college.

One of those nights....

So....what I'm doing right now is searching youtube for clips of dudes making out that will somehow make me feel less lovesick while only making things worse. This is supplemented by listening to songs of Adele....singing about soulful heartbreak. Fantastic.

I really hope life picks up after spring break. I REALLY think I'm gonna die alone now haha....wow.

Facebook is depressing. On the up side I went to the rodeo with a great friend of mine and it was the funnest I've had all spring break. It helped me disprove my whole "I have no friends" thing I have going on right now. Jeez. I wish I would just get a bit more mature already.

Got a freakin BIOCHEM test on thurs. Sunday will be buckle down day I guess haha. Back to college station. WHOOP!!!

I think I'll try and reconnect with old friends. Because I really want to. Let's see how that works.

Awww shucks

I feel like I need to take better care of this blog. But anyway, life is kinda blah for me lately. What I mean is that for some reason. I REALLY think I'm gonna die alone. Haha, now I say that jokingly but I still can't shake off that feeling.....

Maybe it's just because I'm stuck at home while everyone else is enjoying their spring break in a much more exciting way. I'm literally stalking people on facebook 24/7!!! Dear lord!!!!

I also think I'm a bad friend.... :((((((((

I think I haven't made the connections that I wanted to have with others and that those connections aren't gonna last after I leave college...But i doesn't bother me so much anymore...

In addition, I don't really know what I was thinking with the last post but now I'm just really embarassed.

I think the most interesting thing that happened to me this spring break was that I found out someone I had class with is gay. It was crazy. I was actually really happy that I found that out. Not because I can get some or something, wow. Stupid. But because I actually know someone that is in the closet like me. I know who they are and what they're like kind of. It was relieving to know. Actually, my mind did start racing around thinking about how I should talk to him somehow and just get things started. I kept thinking about it for a long time thinking "WOOO let's shack up or sumthin!!" But I think that was more due to the fact that I guess I just want to be loved so badly and to be in a relationship so badly. It's kinda crazy. Not that I would succeed anyway. I have no moves and I get so awkward....I got no balls when it comes to love anyway....

Anyway, I found out because I recently registered for ManHunt and Adam4Adam and saw him there but truthfully I think this is a low point in my life. I REALLY need to get off the computer now. I REALLY do. But I am glad I found out about that guy. It made me feel better for some reason.

Peace out computer. Time to do something productive. Mah god. Also, this laptop has reached maximum suckage. I tried to fix it on my own but then I made it worse. So.....Ima gonna go and spend $$$ that I was trying to avoid for about a year now.....

Also, being back home made me realize that I do want to be a doctor a lot more than I realized. A lot more motivation than I realized. Good. Good for me.

Sometimes, I'm glad I have this blog. I don't have to worry about what I say or to whom. It helps.

YES!!!!!!!