Today was rather busy, however, they weren't too concerning I suppose. I mean, I spent quite a bit of my time on one homework only to find out I didn't really understand the question and that I really just answered pretty poorly. I then kind of went through most of my other classes trying to keep up some kind of work ethic. I was kind of more serious today trying to focus on academics and trying my best to do well in classes. (Too bad I found out I made a zero on a quiz in one class...it'll be dropped but dear lord...). Nothing was too overwhelming today, but in some terrible moment a cascade of emotion just bore down on me. It kind of felt like a waterfall in a way just overwhelming me. I was kind of close to tears and the lecture I was listening to was immediately fazed out. I just started thinking about how Red was dating somebody and I was just thinking what a lucky bastard he was. I started to feel incredibly depressed nothing of which having to do with Red really but more having to do with having another "I'm going to be alone forever" episode. The thing was...it was much more intense and powerful than I ever remembered it being before. I tried to concentrate in my class but the emotion just wouldn't go away and in the effort to try and focus in the midst of this swirl of sudden emotion actually started to nurture a growing headache. It was almost scary. Truthfully, I think I need help or something, because I'm literally being torn apart by my emotions. I know the problem is most probably this ever growing void of loneliness inside of me, but I thought for the longest time I could handle it. I feel a little pathetic though. It's as if a part of me is telling me somehow that I need a man to be happy in life, but I DON'T want my life to be that way. Why do I want to be with someone so badly? Why does being alone have to hurt me this much??? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know what to do really...I just don't feel good right now.
-C.C.
