I don't know about today. It just wasn't so great I suppose. But I know I've been so blessed in so many ways and I just feel miserable knowing how I don't think that I deserve it. It's just that my sense of self satisfaction is feeling rather low right now. I was actually in a great mood before, but now I'm just feeling that I am just taking up space. Useless I suppose. I couldn't stop myself from doing it and then afterwards I felt empty. I miss the times I felt satisfaction from the things I did.I was just talking with my friend a few hours ago and she was saying how she would love to travel the world, but with all the restrictions at home and her family's means, I've seen her seize on to every chance to get that freedom. Yet, because of all misfortune she has had to bear, her biggest chance at freedom yet had to be taken away to save money. Out of our trio, it seems I'm the one who seems to be rather lucky. No significant problems to worry about, so WHY??? WHY do I keep on holding myself back?????!!??!!? WHY....I was happy when she said that she wouldn't be taking any summer classes, because she would be like me, who didn't register because of negligence. But that was her freedom, and of course look at me. I feel rather small in comparison to all other people. I'm just so disappointed in myself.
There's this boy I have a crush on. I've had a crush on him since the start of sophomore year.I can't let go. I've tried, but it's been hard to forget. It's really a crush with no reciprocated basis. But it's the closest thing I've got to a possibility that I could experience love with another person.
So far at least. So I've clung to it and held on to it for the longest time. I hope it won't be a bother to explain my crush a bit. I've been dying to tell someone actually (Hahaha, it's funny to me, but I suppose not as much to anyone else) I started to try my hardest in making friends with him for the shallow reason of getting close to him because he was cute. Usually, I actually stay rather far from people in his group since he could be labeled the cool kids group, although my school was a bit different from cool kids, jocks, etc. (Like no jocks. Literally.) Having almost every class with him helped get us a bit closer, and I couldn't help feeling more and more attached to him. Sophomore year ended without any real conclusion or event and the rest of my school career featured very little of him at all. I almost was ready to move on until I had the most abrupt and surprising dream. I was sitting down and then he came up behind me and I leaned all the way back so I saw his face looking up and he saw my face looking down. Then all out of the blue, he just leaned down and kissed me..................I woke up and I felt so happy, but I was surprised that he just popped up so suddenly. I absolutely could not believe that this had happened. It was such an odd but so beautifully surprising thing. Of all the things in my dream and of all the people in my dream, he was there and he did that. I just couldn't get it out of my mind for the whole day. It was ironic since it was junior year and I practically never saw him when I went around school, but that day was different because my eyes seemed to hone in on him when they could. I just couldn't stop. Now, I cannot say something stupid like I love him, because that would show me crossing the border of infatuation to stalking and obsession. I think I'm falling into the latter right now. In any instance, I started liking him all over again. This was also the first time I wanted to go out and tell someone how I felt. My feeling were rushing into a strong emotion. The pressure of keeping it in because of the fear that I would out myself to someone was stronger though, so I let life move on. Still the hardest part of this chronic crush was from a second dream in senior year. It was so emotional and heart wrenching when I woke up I felt such a great and terrible sadness. I was in a theater and there was a group sitting a small distance away. They were laughing and all, but out from the group came my crush, and all he did was sit beside me and brush his hands against mine. Kind of rubbing them, but not quite. It is the best way to describe it, but as he did that all that I did was say "Please don't let it be a dream, please don't let it be a dream." And not only was a dream, I woke up immediately afterwards. All the following day I saw him, but I only saw the back of him, always walking away from where i was. I felt that was a sign maybe, but it made me feel so sad. I felt, just for a moment that I could never be loved the way that I always wanted to, the way I always dreamed of, because I guess I am gay. (I don't think that I'm 100% gay, but I can't deny it. I really can't. I may find women appealing to the eyes, but it still doesn't do me that much good most of the time) I felt so alone. So very alone. My heart ached and I cried over it. I'm sick of doing that now, but I really am sad about it. It may be a reality that I will have to embrace, but I don't feel that it's a sentence or so. I'm just sad about it. I really wish I could have had something like that happen. All throughout senior year, you could see couples everywhere. Even my close friends all had someone to be with at the time whom they both really felt strongly for. I want something like that. I REALLY want something like that. I just feel I bit bad now. Haha, it's funny, now I just feel so bad from writing this that I'm starting to tear up. I'm such a stupid pussy who doesn't know anything. I actually like throwing myself a pity party and I've actually discussed this over with myself, talked it over with myself a bit and to an extent written about it and always I start crying over it. It's stupid. I've never had my first kiss yet. I wonder how that will work out. I heard from a movie that everyone should experience love at least once. Back to the subject, when I think of my crush and I together though, it NEVER works, because we are too different, and I remember that most of our past conversations have never gone that smoothly. Always with the awkward silences and odd stuff going on. Lordy jebush it wasn't very good at all. He was always mocking me too, and I could never expect him to understand me I have thought. I think that he didn't seem to respect me all that much and after all this, I don't know him very well. There are so many unknowns and
Gotdangit maybe once or twice he would also be rather frustrated at me. After all that I still have a small, struggling flame for him sometimes. It's odd, frustrating, exasperating and ridiculous. LORD!!! Heffer LEARN!!! HA!! I love that phrase.
I wish there was someone I could unload on sometimes. I used to talk to Rachel. I need to visit her soon. I'm leaving soon.
I know, there are so many people out there who aren't as lucky and blessed as I am and I resolve to change into a person my family can be proud of and I can be proud of. I don't see it yet though. I've been saying this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, but I just don't see it. But I need a place where I can shout (metaphorically, unfortunately) from the rooftop that I have problems, that they're worth listening to like everyone else's. My friends have real problems I guess you can say, and I admire their strength and perseverance.
The picture up there is from 1body2soul@blogspot.com
But, no matter where it came from, I just absolutely couldn't stop looking at it. I thought it was quite frankly beautiful. It was lovely. I thought it was mesmerizing. I just had to put it up. One day, maybe I'll be like one of those people in the picture. It's just so cute, I'm sorry. Staring into each other's eyes, it is so intimate. So cute....can't stop thinking about it really.........
