Bad to Worse and a Silver Lining

       On Tuesday, life was pretty crummy since I just am really bad at coordinating stuff with my friends and parents. Just really bad. I haven't even finished my graduate school app. Really awful huh? I got news from the mechanic that my car is absolutely ruined. The transmission was just done for. I had to mediate with the parents to see what to do with it, which includes towing it back to Houston and all that jazz. Man. Now I feel like such a jerk to my parents for letting this happen because this is a very serious and expensive problem. Also, I keep on aggravating my mom with the fact that I don't keep in contact with her. Gawd I'm a mess. I later find out that I did awful on a test for one of my classes leaving me even more in the dumps. I then take a nap only to miss hanging out with friends which was kind of supposed to be the highlight of my day. Then I have this huge amount of time where I try to do work for all the things I have to do and I don't do them. I actually just surf on Hulu for five hours and don't do a thing.  So much for keeping up with Lent. Man. It was a not stellar day. On the plus side, I literally had maybe over eleven hours of good sleep. It actually made things seem not so awful.
      Wednesday turned out to be not too fantastic since I had class then lunch with Mick. This turned into an awkward lunch date. I don't know, I just didn't have anything to say and looking back on it I was just acting super awkward. That actually happened all day. Sometimes I have days like that. However, we did play with puppies so that was a plus. Afterwards, I actually got a few good things done for my classes which made me feel good about myself. I then proceeded to go and have free pizza somewhere in a park kind of far away and play frisbee. All was well until I had a bike accident and broke my bike. I was way out in the boonies so I had to go walk a ways back to where I needed to be. I still managed to go to a fun meeting and hang out with friends that really made me feel not as bad about my circumstances but really I have had some bad luck these days. What was weird was that I tried to find a friend at a nearby coffeeshop close to my place and bumped into a girl named Kate. This girl was a really nice and interesting girl that I met freshman year and we kind of connected, only to never be seen again. Oddly enough, she hangs around my apartment complex quite a bit and it was just amazing that she fondly remembered me after all this time. We exchanged numbers and maybe we'll be the best of friends? I really think that fate propels us although I am a huge proponent of free will too. I guess I have a sort of balance of it in my head. I feel like everything happens for a reason. So when all these bad things happened to me, I wondered what this meant for my life. As bad as these things can be, I'm really not as upset and miserable as I can be. I just think that there is always an opposite reaction to everything that happens to you in life. So the thing is what now? Life is funny sometimes, but never a dull moment.

-C.C.

Shenanigans and Free Time

       The concert trip and all that jazz was kind of crazy. It was fun, but crazy and definitely not what I expected. So, we all pile in my manvan to get the party started in Austin, and thirty miles out of town my car breaks down. It may have been due to the fact that I took a shortcut through this sketchy driveway that may have ripped up the bottom of my car. Who knows? Am I an irresponsible driver? Well, I am Asian, and I have way too many dents all over my car but I really do try honest. All seven of us are stranded on the side of the road so I call Triple A to help us and they come-almost an hour and a half later...As wonderful as that sounds, I really had a good time because everybody really stayed positive and we laughed a whole bunch about the incident. We even cheered and took pictures of the car being towed. The next obstacle was that the driver told us we could all fit in his truck with him. He said eight people have fit in before. This being a slightly bigger Ford truck, we were surprised, but we all gave it a shot. This led to me sitting on a seat rest, two people resting on the dashboard, one person squished onto the passenger window and everyone else just piled on top of each other on this one guy who was literally buried in people. For a good forty five minutes we are a human mass just chilling in one passenger seat and having an actually not terrible time talking with the driver, taking pictures of ourselves, and being in awe of our situation. When we get back to town, we pile out trying to regain movement in our limbs and then take more pictures of the tow truck and more pictures with the driver. He was really friendly to us and told us to add him on facebook. He even jokingly told me being so squished next to him that he felt closer to me than he ever did with his ex-wife. Hahaha, hilarious and slightly awkward. I can't find the guy anywhere on facebook so I felt bad but this was a pretty good story. The rest of the night was spent jet-setting to Austin trying to get to the concert on time, finding out only one guy from the band was actually playing, dancing with drunk frat stars and then chilling at this lovely 24/7 diner, Kerbey Lane and finding out a friend of ours got arrested for being a minor and being drunk serving minors and all that jazz. All in all a very good night. Sunday all day was just lethargy and unproductive happenings. I did some organization stuff, tried to do stuff and really was only marginally industrious. One thing that was weirdly on my mind was how this one girl Fanny, was just so friendly with me. Actually, I really do like her and we seem to mesh really well, but I just wonder about her. I said I was cold while waiting for the car to be towed and she gave me a big hug and rubbed me all over to keep me warm. She also seems to have a great sense in music. She pretty awesome by my standards. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I could have something with her. What is dawning on me is that I just can't feel enough passion enough for her than I would if she were a guy. I just know it. She's beautiful, intelligent, vivacious, and seems to like me but if she truly liked me back I don't know what I'd do. Maybe she's just being friendly, because I think that's what's happening, but I'm glad this has got me thinking. Sometimes, I think I'd want to be gay because at least I'd have an excuse to not to get out there and approach a guy since the guy is probably not gay and it's still kind sort of a struggle in Texas to find a guy. For a girl, there isn't really any excuse for me to simply get out there and at least ask since the worst she can say is no. Truthfully, as much as I want somebody to love, I'm a real coward. If I was straight, I'd still be alone maybe, because I just don't have the balls. It's not that I don't want to get into a relationship and  and risk getting my heart stomped on, although that really sucks, it's the obstacle of getting out there in the first place. Really, I'm don't know how I'll get past this. Will I have to wait another decade before I have my first real relationship? I may be twenty one, but I feel like a middle schooler when it comes to relationships.

           Monday was busy with classes and lab. It wasn't so bad except I lied about being sick to my TA in lab and he might have seen through it and therefore affecting my grade in lab. But really I don't care as much as I should have since my motivation after these line of tests have really just gone to an all time low. I feel a little like a scumbag but really I'm just going to man up and face the music. After classes I had to deal with my car in the shop and biking everywhere, which was refreshing for me since I exercised more but really it still is a pain. However, the day did get better somewhat since I went to a surprise blacklight party and then did nothing with my time for a while. You know, the usual. In other news, last night I felt really horny just because of going a week without spanking the monkey but really I am proud of myself that I'm really trying to stick to it and trying to wean myself off of my internet dependency including porn. The side effects being partly good since I don't get too moody I guess but also partly unsettling that every so often I'll fantasize about all of a sudden being in a relationship with guys I don't even know. When I say fantasize, I mean acting out in my head full blown meeting, dating, and relationship problems that could happen. I also think about Red from time to time and wondering if we could ever date. I hate doing that to myself. Anyway, I really need to be productive with my free time. Lord.

-C.C.

Sex Dreams and Rodeos

         So I woke up today thinking I was going to the rodeo with my old friend Dani. Her family goes every year to the cook-off and there is some amazing BBQ to be had. However, this year was different because I didn't go. Previous years we didn't go because of school work and awful tests, but this time I was just being an awful friend me thinks. I decided to go to a concert tonight but that meant not going to the rodeo and then all of a sudden I had the brilliant idea to go in the morning and come back in the afternoon to meet up with my concert friend I'm sure when I ultimately decided not to go anymore. Well, the decision mostly being I was thinking about going and then I went back to sleep. So I decided by default I wasn't going when I woke up too late to go to the rodeo. I feel like a crummy friend, seriously. She told me in advance but I never got back to her and then I tried to do two things at once but that didn't work out. It was kind of our thing that we do as friends and this may have been kind of important to her but apparently not as important to me. Also, I woke up to my mom livid at me for not calling her for two weeks and not answering her phone calls. I'm just terrible with taking care of those who matter the most to me even after all this time. Dani is the type of person who doesn't really let you know when she is hurt of offended and that's tricky for me since I'm the type of person who doesn't see that, although I'm sure I did this time. I guess I have to make it up sometime later...hopefully. I know we're best friends, but I sure don't act like it sometimes...
      I guess the highlight of the day, in which nothing else really happened was that I had a flurry of dreams last night. It was crazy. So many dream sequences I couldn't even believe the stuff that was going on. The most interesting things being that I had some crazy wet dreams twice in a row. Well, to be honest they're not sex dreams because I never have sex in my dreams, and when I do anything intimate with someone they're rather rare and never very racy. But when they happen they're kind of the closest thing I have to anything resembling sexual things and I get excited. The first dream was kind of weird but also kind of hot since I was hanging out with this huge jock guy and his girlfriend, but every time she wasn't looking he'd hit on me and tease me sexually or something. The most dramatic moment being when we were actually standing in front of a big department store display case and he reached around and really went at tweaking my nipple. He knew what he was doing too. It hurt a little, but it also gave me a bunch of pleasure too. I couldn't believe it! Right in public. And then we went back to his girlfriend. Then in another dream sequence, I was at the pool and surrounded by guys in speedos. Sure, it sounds like a gay porno shoot waiting to happening, but we were all chilling in the sun and all these guys were naturally really hot and I just leaned over and started making out with one guy. It was awesome at first, but then thinking back on it my dream kiss was weird since I was kissing him but he wasn't kissing back so it was more like tongue-ing an open mouth. I guess since I've never been kissed before it kind of makes sense that my dream wouldn't be very realistic I guess. When I realized this I felt a little dismayed. I want to feel attractive and be with another guy but I know if I do it I'll just feel dirty and empty at the same time. I still feel bad about my friend but I don't have time for this since I have to get ready for that concert I'm going to now. Hopefully I can make it up to Dani somehow.
Let's see how the rest of my weekend goes.

-C.C.

Living Life...for a little bit.

         This weekend is going to be just amazing. I can visualize it, I can feel it, I can literally taste it. If I haven't already mentioned I'm going to enjoy being a college kid for once and just have fun. All the time. Jealous? Yeah-Yuh. Anyway, Thursday wasn't so bad because my classes were just rather laid back today. The main points there being that I had lunch with a guy I really admire. He's a nerdy, alcoholic, party-going, hairy, soon-to-be doctor Irishman. I swear, this is partly why I love college because I get to know people like him. The thing is, I have a terrible habit of putting people on pedestals and he is one of those people I do that to. He is just so intelligent yet he's so charismatic. I love this guy. I wish we were better friends but I just don't have a very good time keeping in touch with people. In any case, we had burgers on the rooftop of a bar on a beautiful, warm and windy day and we had a good talk and laugh about a bunch of things. The thing is sometimes we don't have much that ties us in common anymore and so I feel awkward trying to keep the conversation going sometimes when the conversation lulls. It makes me restless. As if it is a glaring notice that our relationship is bordering on "someone I used to know" instead of real friends and that concerns me sometimes. However, eventually I guess I got more comfortable and I think we had a good time just catching up. After lunch we decided to go and get a quick sake bomb before class and I totally accidentally spilled my sake into my drink so we had to all suddenly bomb before we were ready. I spilled half of the stuff down my shirt but it was really freaking fun. Nothing like taking the edge off of school by day drinking and spilling everything on my shirt. To be honest my friend is kind of an enabler when it comes to drinking, but really being with him is a good time. On the other hand, his life is really full of achievement and successes and his life is gonna be going a mile a minute being an MBA/MD student and being a navy doctor and all. Sometimes, I feel inadequate when I'm around him, like I'm wasting his time discussing our future plans with him. However, I have plans and stuff too. I just have to get my life in order too.
             Later that day, I went to an intramural soccer game where we literally were turned into puree by the other team. I mean, I got a fantastic workout and it I just love playing soccer with my team in general and hanging out with them but dear lord was the other team merciless. One girl on my team was actually tackled into and flipped over onto her face. That was kind of crazy. Noncompetitive intramural league my ass. Awful game aside, a few of us hung out together at a taco place and it was really fun talking and getting to know people. Pete was one of these people and it was great talking to him since he is a pretty cool and interesting person. In addition, I finally was able to make myself realize the fact that he is straight as an arrow so I can just freaking move on. Pathetically enough I felt a bit upset afterwards and ate a bunch of celery and peanut butter later at home as if that was some kind of panacea for sour feelings. I hate crushing on straight guys just because I always do this to myself. Man. Later on that night my old roommates texted me to hang out and even thought I was a bit hesitant at first, I was so glad I did. I forgot how much fun I used to have with them. It's odd how much I laugh and have a good time with one of them, Stevie, when he's a blatant homophobe. But really, it's fine.
             Today, on friday, I had a pretty busy day with classes, the most notable moment being when my professor ragged on me for more or less being a "goober" and the rest of the class followed suite. I mean, it was funny to tell the truth and not so embarrassing really. However, one day, I really hope that people will respect me more and not just think of me as the quirky funny kid that has a really distinctive and loud personality. Also, I had to stay half an hour later than everyone else since I just could NOT understand a part of the lab procedures. It was absolutely unreal how dense my head was not to understand something like that. But all in all everything turned out fine. For the rest of the night I hung out with my freshman friend, Crystal, who's the lesbian I mentioned. We had dinner together and then we bought glow sticks for this special 5K to support orphans in central america where you run in the dark with those things. It was nice to do something like that, although we walked the whole way and I really just wanted to run. However, I have to sleep early and such, because I'm going to the rodeo for some genuine Texan BBQ and then going to a concert for a little band called Passion Pit. THEN, I'm going to do a bunch of organization stuff later on Sunday to top it all off. It's going to be busy and crazy but definitely fun. I'm excited. I love when my life is like this. Hopefully, I'm still making good decisions.
            One last note, for lent, I gave up extraneous internet browsing. That means I'm going to drastically cut back on all the things I do to waste time on facebook and the rest of the internet. This includes internet episodes, online comics, just anything really, but the hardest thing being included is porn. I just thought I'd throw that in because I do spend too much time doing that so from here on out, we'll see how long I can swear off porn too. I think it'll be a good endeavor. We'll see. My longest time has been about two weeks without. Sad perhaps but a personal best really. Anyway, time to party it up until I have to get back to work again.

-C.C.

P.S. If you haven't checked out Passion Pit, maybe it's time you bring back happiness and wonder back into your life.

Overdue

           I really don't feel well. I've had to deal with such a crazy amount of work in such a short amount of time and it shows. If it weren't for the five cups of coffee I had to down I would be in a very bad place. I actually crashed on the bedroom floor for a few minutes I was so tired. This terrible undertaking is called physical chemistry and today I got extremely lucky. I was so overloaded I didn't have time to study until the night of the test yet I happened to center right on the questions that were on the test. Absolutely astounding. Well, almost, at least I won't make a thirty. I think. Who knows. This whole week has been a terrible blur of stress and work. This is just too much. I'll be very surprised if I don't get a stomach ulcer from stress. It's all over now though, so time to celebrate! I have such a great weekend planned of doing a glow in the dark 5k, going to an animal shelter on Saturday and then a Passion Pit concert, then doing some organization workday stuff on Sunday. It's just going to be a blur of fun activity that I will be so excited to be a part of.
         In other news, my organization did a "Guess Who's Gay" panel today. It was just really enjoyable since I actually got to talk to and hear other GLBT people talk. They were normal for the most part and one guy was all scruffy, straight and cute. It really did me good to go to that meeting. After the meeting, I spent more time with my freshman that I've been mentoring/hanging out with and well, I've never expected that we would see each other almost every single day. It's rather crazy. I can't even explain it. I think we may need some space but in some respects it's pretty cool I guess. What I did find out was that this whole entire time she was actually a lesbian. Wow. That was really amazing. I couldn't believe it for a little bit, but for her to simply come out and say it to me all of a sudden was just mind-boggling. I later revealed that I was bisexual to her and she was actually pretty surprised too. I even told her about a cute guy we knew just to reassert the fact. However, I got the feeling she needed to digest that information a bit more. I don't know but for some reason she seemed uncomfortable learning that. Odd. She told me that today was "interesting". Wut? But looking back on it, today was "interesting" for me too. So I guess I'll leave it at that for now.

-C.C.

Delirium

All nighter again today. Bad decision's impact felt right now. Absolutely ridiculous.

Floundering and Flailing

          That is how I feel. It's kind of terrible. I've been so tired and busy lately I haven't been able to make time for very much really, including taking a few minutes to blog. Life just sneaks up on you and then before you know it you're underwater. I guess a few highlights that happened since the last time were that I found out that I'm going to be an uncle! Truthfully this isn't really such a big deal since I already am an uncle to a bunch of other kids, but this time I have a niece/nephew that's actually going to be born in the States this time! I can actually be in their lives and grow up with them! I'm so excited! This is tempered with the news that my cousin Max is going to a convent to become a nun. She has really become one of my favorite cousins with whom I've really enjoyed her company. She is just so congenial and such a stand up person yet she's making this crazy and monumental choice to become a nun. It's just mind boggling. However, it's what she wants to do right? I'll just miss her when she's gone.
         Meanwhile back in my life, I literally am a bit terrified. I have so much to do. I just can't believe how ridiculous it is. I haven't even studied for my tests yet. It's really stressful. The thing is, this semester is vital to restoring my chances to medical school and these classes really aren't helping. I am just a bit upset at myself for choosing these classes and such but really I hope everything will turn out all right. The most upsetting thing lately is that I've been even worse at managing my time these days. I don't even have a heavy class load really. I mean, I have very difficult classes but I'm taking ten hours of schoolwork. How in the world can I even hope to tackle med school? What am I thinking? Anyway, on the plus side I've been working out more often and I feel better about myself. More attractive perhaps? I suppose. I've recently come upon the realization that even though I love watching all those storylines on television about this gay who comes out and starts dating guys, etc, I think I'm kind of tired of it now. I want to start my own story now. I want to be the one to go out and meet someone and maybe fall for somebody. SOMETHING. I don't go down into the dumps like I used to. I know I'll find somebody. But god am I just so horny sometimes. Also, I've been fostering a crush on this one guy. Pete is his name and he's just so nice and laid back and attractive. He's pretty straight and all so I have to go through this process of getting over a crush again. Truthfully I really like him so being friends with him would be great. This whole thing will go away in time. I hate crushing on straight guys. It's useless and nothing happens, but I guess a guy can fantasize every so often and get away with it.

-C.C.

It's Go Time

          Things have been stressful considering all the stuff that I've been trying to accomplish. Mostly trying to get my graduate application in, tackling a test, a written test, and a lab report all in one week. I just don't know what I'm gonna do. What in the world? Today was kind of difficult since I was late to class and missed another one which left me in a sort of peeved mood. I also forgot to bring my phone to school which meant I didn't have lunch with Mick today. I'm glad that he remembered though since I saw the text he left me. I just think it was an awful idea to stay up until six in the morning trying to get my stuff in order. What did I just do? I'm too tired to think but then I have to do one hundred sit ups before I go to sleep. Ugh. On another note, I saw my old crush at the gym today. We worked out next to each other on multiple occasions but I really didn't want to bother saying hello. Thought it would be awkward for both of us. I wonder if he saw me? I was a bit upset I kept thinking if he saw me and obsessed over seeing him. Still immature as always it seems.

-C.C.

The Aftermath

           Good lord. Today was kind of brutal. Actually, I should have said the past few days have been brutal. I've gotten like five or six hours of sleep in the past three days? I cannot believe how willing I am to drag myself through the dirt. All for a test I don't think I did super stellar in today. Oddly enough my professor called me out in a joking manner perhaps that he made a bet with the TA's that I wouldn't read the sample questions for the test that he decided to put in the test. I actually did read and research the questions beforehand but I decided to answer with a suprised, "WHAAAAAT???" So of course I looked like the fool and seemingly validated his bet. FANTASTIC. I'm a slacker now. Also, to make things worse I had to go to research lab right after that doing prep work that was supposed to only take an hour but took me almost two and a half hours. I was so damn tired and I couldn't think straight. I literally could not retain any information on how to do the lab. I swear I almost fell asleep in lab. In addition, I was just looking at all of the things I had to do by next week and I have a test, a written test, a lab report, homework, and I need to finish my graduate app before the end of the week god knows what else left. Wow. I don't feel so good. I need a break on life.
         In other news Happy Valentine's Day! I actually don't feel upset or depressed about today at all. Judging from my past mood swings I guess I should be in the throes of angst and self-pity but I feel pretty alright. I guess that's a good sign. I actually feel good enough to work out and be productive! Whoa. I think I'll go do that and really tackle what I have to do. On a weirder note to keep myself awake while I studied I went and jacked off for a while at like four in the morning. It worked, but there is this odd cycle where sometimes I won't spank the monkey for a while and I'll become really horny for a day then for a good number of days afterward I find it easy to continue not jacking off because I just don't feel horny. At all. The same thing happened today. I was so busy for the past few days I didn't really do anything so I thought  it would be great to let off some steam but the whole time I was jacking off I just didn't really feel anything. It was the oddest thing ever. I even ejaculated and everything...but I felt....normal. No pleasure receptors ringing...nothing. I mean, all that kept me awake and partially aroused but...nothing. Anything, it's probably not a big deal but it was a little unsettling.

-C.C.

It still counts

             So.....does a blog entry that is technically the next day still count for the previous day? Only if you didn't actually go to sleep. Today is actually just a very long day from yesterday. It counts. I also drank three fourths of a coffee pot so I'm obviously going to have a heart attack and die. But only after I finish studying for my test. I can't believe I just did this. I'm jittery and my heart won't stop beating. I can't type. I must STUDY FOREVER.

-C.C.

Losing Focus

        I really am losing focus. On life, on my goals, what I really want, and what I have to do. I'm just not good at meeting deadlines and doing things. On another note, I thought I was okay in the whole being alone department, but unfortunately it doesn't take much to lose focus in that too. But I just have to remember everything that I've learned from these past few weeks and years being myself. I have to meet my responsibilities and do it for the right reasons. In short, in the words of a wise man, life is full of bull and I have to man up to meet those challenges in life. I have to appreciate myself and it is actually kind of hard to do that.
       Today was really unproductive as Saturdays are want to be. I did go to an interview for a counselor position today. It was for Camp Kesem, which is an amazing and wonderful organization helping kids whose parents have cancer. Absolutely wonderful. I have had amazing experiences with the camp and the people in it and I'm really excited to continue that journey. One thing that I realized that I more than ever need to man up and really carry myself with more self-respect. I don't know, I always really carry myself in a very loud, energetic and kind of frivolous manner when I'm with friends. It makes for a really good time with friends, but in all honesty as an adult man I have to get it under control. I wanted to do the teen camp portion of camp, but it seems I won't be considered maybe because I might not be such a good fit for older teens when I'm so seemingly much better with younger kids. However, I just know I could be a great teen camp counselor. Just really make it happen. I know inside I want to take that next step than working with the smaller kids, although it was actually a wonderful experience. In addition, I applied for a fundraiser postion too, although I probably won't get that either. The reason for that being I'm not qualified. But in a sense realizing all of that motivated me a bit to really strive to do something more than I already have. To be honest, I think it's time for an overdue change in myself. A change that doesn't need to happen all at once but it needs to happen soon. On another note, a friend told me that just six months ago I was drastically different from the person I am now. Interesting. I guess this is what they call growing up.

-C.C.

Overcommitted

          That's my problem. All the time. It's almost four in the morning and I really have a problem. I stayed up until three last morning not getting anything done and then skipped a class today. I then went to the rest of my classes just knowing that I had a bunch of things on my mind I still haven't accomplished. I have a test on tuesday, some planning I need to do, my applications to finish, and homework I need to take care of and all of this. Today all I really did was just go around applying for more things to do when I clearly can't even handle the things that are on my plate now. It seemed like such a good idea at the time but things can come crashing down really soon if I'm not careful and prudent about my actions for the next two days. Today was another lesson in over committing since I had the chance to go to this amazing broomball social but I didn't because I thought I could handle going and visiting a friend's place first. I did hang out with my friend who I had so much fun with but I missed broomball, which was kind supposed to be the highlight of my week. I really wish I was there. I guess that's just another lesson I have to learn the hard way. I do this to myself way too often and I have to learn that I just can't deal with it. Yikes.

-C.C.

Lunch with Mick and other things

          Wednesday was pretty laid back in that I didn't get anything done. I mean, I went to a few organizational meetings to see what was up and spent some part of the day marginally studying for classes, but beyond that, I just can't believe that I didn't get as much as I wanted done. It was discouraging. However, one very interesting development occurred that day. I had lunch with a friend I hadn't really talked to in around a year or so. I'll name him Mick. We had known each other for most of college and had lunch quite a few times but we never really went beyond that kind of casual relationship. I bumped into him a day or two ago and then we decided we would have lunch on Wednesday. To me he seems rather successful since he's going off to law school and is busy with this well-known Christian men's organization. He's done stuff with his life and I'm sure he will continue on that path. Sometimes we really click, and sometimes, conversation is kind of painful with him. Partly because I feel he can tell when I squeeze in filler topics with no substance due to my discomfort at lulls in conversation. Partly also because we don't have that much in common? I suppose it might just be me. In any case, we had a pretty decent conversation that day. It went well. One thing that was different about all our other encounters was when he brought up God in the conversation. I knew he was a respectably strong Christian before, but it seems he has really grown and matured and advanced in his faith. He decided to ask me about how I felt about God. I feel a little ashamed to say that I actually felt somewhat uncomfortable. I don't know. I guess that religion is something that I consider somewhat private. This is kind of contrary to what many people at my school do since I know quite a few people very open and communicative with their faith. Such a thing doesn't bother me, but I prefer to keep to myself. Maybe it's because I haven't had many experiences that have asked me to share and discuss it. So when I answered him, I told him honestly I do hold a relationship with God important, but that my stance with the church and the theology was more vague and shaky. When I asked him the same question, he gave me a somewhat personal answer that I thought was interesting. Like how realized he didn't really understand what God meant to him, how he thought that what he was doing as a "righteous" person was enough and how he would observe people seemingly partaking in sin and feel better than them in some way. But reform his perceptions a bit and was in a different place. After this exchange, he told me he wanted to keep on discussing these kinds of things with me and really get to something deeper. The conversation eventually trickled down to more superficial topics that I brought up to ease the lull and eventually we parted ways. For me, this an interesting conversation. I guess I was looking for something deeper these days. At the same time I was thinking of exploring my faith a bit more. Both of those things I put on my to do list and went on with my life. So perhaps, thinking about all this, I'll take his bait and try to get deeper with him. See where it takes me. Perhaps this will help me develop as a person. Perhaps it will become a bit awkward, but we'll see. I guess my Wednesdays will be a bit more interesting.
          On the following day I also got diddly squat done today academically. I had a quiz today that I completely bombed even though I thought I studied adequately. It put me in a somewhat peeved mood. I actually couldn't go back to studying so I went to work out instead. It really didn't improve until I finished class for the day. I later I may have wasted the day away instead of being productive. I mean, it was pretty fun with an intramural soccer match and a trip to an ice cream place and a cozy little burger place thirty minutes away from town, but really I had so much to do today I don't understand how I could still be so negligent. I guess I am in for a long night? It was kind of worth it. I did have fun. So, no procrasturbating for me tonight. Hopefully. Weeeeell, not for long perhaps. Maybe. I don't know. I'll keep an open mind. That's more like it. Weird how I talk seriously about developing myself and such one minute then joke about procrasturbating the next. I'm a real mess.

-C.C.

Oh hello Again

       How ironic that after a post talking about being delinquent about not blogging every day I do it for two days in a row. That's pretty ridiculous. However, life has just been so busy for the past few days but only because I don't manage my time well. I studied a great deal on Sunday for my Monday test which I went twenty minutes late to. It was a disaster. Then I spent all of the day in class tired and only narrowly squeezing in lunch and other obligations. I then went to meetings all evening and then was pronounced unconscious later on that night. It was pretty terrible. I really just got the bare minimum done and that was it but dear lord was I just absolutely drained.
       Today I woke up reasonably refreshed. Many things happened today but the most significant thing was when I went to Bi Like Me's blog to read up on the entries. For a good few days I was just very depressed on being alone and just a mix of everything really. Reading Frat Star Friday's posts helped me to the point where I just rebounded back. I learned so much today about myself and everything. I wish I could explain but it's three thirty in the GOD DAYUM morning here. I hate how I just don't manage time well.

-C.C.

On Solitude

         I guess blogging every day has its disadvantages. I mean, I've just been thinking that my blog posts have been lacking a good amount of substance. Goodness. But I'll keep up with it for now. I promised myself I'd blog everyday if I could help it. Today was productive in the sense that I finished my physical chemistry homework. It took five hours almost. What. A. B****. Fill in the blanks. It was just awful. On the bright side doing it in a group made it almost bearable. We were all miserable together. I was also horridly sore in my calves for the longest time. I literally rushed to the gym Jacuzzi in some lame attempt to get rid off all the lactic acid inside of me. I also tried to give myself a deep tissue massage too. A fun fact about that part of my day was that a bunch a good fit guys were always around when I was in the jacuzzi. Ironically, I didn't have any glasses to see them with so although I could tell they were all attractive and all, most if not all of the visual details were sadly lost on me. Unfortunately, it still hurts to stand up and walk, however the hot tub and massage helped a little.
        Afterwards, I went to watch the Woman in Black starring Daniel Radcliffe with a friend. It was AWESOME. I loved it! I absolutely LOVE horror films. I just think they're amazing and yet so very few really can be deemed actually quality horror films. It was just great. I don't quite think it's THE best horror film I've watched in a while though. I guess I'm just never happy, oh well. Later on in the night, I had the option to go to a party or meet a friend who graduated and stuff, but I mean, it was probably a good idea I didn't go to either because of my freaking legs and also I didn't feel very festive either. However, instead of working on something, I spent most of my time on Hulu and pining for somebody to love. I kept on looking at Grindr to maybe see if Danny was around. I'm going to just assume he blocked me, because I really think I blew it and also I want to think that so I can just move on. I hate how neurotic I'm being, though. I always thought I would be so much more laid back. I also paid a visit to OkCupid and searching for someone I might want to get to know. It was a little much really. I shouldn't have done all of that but I just couldn't help it. I wanted something so bad.
         One thing that did happen was a guy messaged me on Grindr most probably looking for a blowjob and although I was in the mood for dick in my mouth lately I took the high ground and told him I wasn't looking for a hookup. I guess I'm kind of proud for still sticking to my guns. I think I scared him away with my whole, I wanna get to know you and talk to you thing going on. Good riddance I guess. Another important thing that happened was that I told my good friend Cyn about my worsening depressing emotions about being alone. I always get uncomfortable telling people about what I'm really feeling and digging down deep into myself, even though I try to convince myself I am an open-minded and open book type of guy. Cyn told me all the things I told myself like how I deserved somebody and I shouldn't be so impatient to find someone and it'll happen one day. However, she told me one thing that really opened my eyes. She told me that I had so much to offer as a person, but that I also deserved to receive so much back. I don't know. That comment hit home more than the others just because I guess I never thought of being deserving of somebody loving me. I don't know. It just left me with some food for thought. One thing that came out of this conversation was how a started to feel in the dumps again, but that conversation with Cyn actually kept me from really falling completely into my rut again. So maybe, all I really needed was somebody to listen. Also, this song I found today really put me in a very poignant and calm mood while I blogged. It's rather nice.

Another entry, another night.

-C.C.
         

Forever Aloneeee

        Today was a pretty substantially good day. I fell asleep extremely late but woke up early. This usually never happens and I always miss anything in the morning. Why today was different I won't really know. In the morning I had a walk-in I had to get to and I got there, signed in and went to my pre-med advisor. For the longest time I had little hope that I'd get into med school with my credentials but surprisingly she gave me hope. I then went on to go grab a breakfast burrito which are a real treat for me because for some reason I have a weakness for unhealthy breakfast burritos. I then went to class where there was a test review but it was near impossible to understand what was going on. I'm obviously not going to enjoy this upcoming test but it's friday, so what the hay? Amiright? I then finished more class and went to eat lunch with a cool gal who I used to mentor. We didn't talk for half a year, but I just kinda missed her since I was her mentor back in the day. It was really fun to hang out with her since we laughed quite a bit and I really enjoyed her company more than I thought I would. That sounds kind of pretentious but ah well it was fun. I then went to a lab where we extracted bacteriophage viruses out of samples we collected from the outside world and the whole class was actually really relaxed and a bit fun.

        However, the whole day my calves were just killing me and by the end of the day they literally prevented me from walking. I actually clawed my way to the gym only to find that my calves just couldn't take anymore activity in general. It was a bit much for me. I went directly home but then on the upside when I went home, a HUGE storm came complete with thunder, and lightning, and even hail. There was actually a tornado warning in effect. I actually loved every minute of the thing. The thunder, the lightning, the strong constant downpour and rattling of the hail. Man, it was beautiful. On the upside, I caught up on some shows that I loved and continued talking to Danny on Grindr. Now, I know that thing isn't eharmony nor is it some magical boyfriend device, but just talking to another normal guy who likes guys makes me feel good. I went on for an hour just talking about the storm and tv shows. I then showed him a pic or two of me. This is where things went south. I was trying to sound funny but I guess I came across as whiney about my pics and the pics I did have I don't know if they were any good or not. Either way, I guess we can be casual friends or something. I don't know, the conversation kind of did a nosedive and it might have been my fault. Right before, he invited me to watch this show, "I Just Want My Pants Back" and my heart jumped a little and I kind of wanted to squeal like a little girl kind of. In all honesty I don't really want to have high hopes for this guy or Grindr. It just doesn't feel quite right even though it was a good conversation. I can kind of tell he wasn't that into me anyways. But to be honest, the purpose wasn't really to talk to some guy and lasso in a boyfriend but just talk to a guy in general. Even though I do get horny and lonely all the time these days, I refuse to be a penis monster that'll shag any guy who'll take me. Or, I hope I don't become that person. It's so easy to do I'm sure. All this feels like baby steps. In a way it frustrates me, but I am glad I'm doing this since even the baby steps of talking about nothing to some guy throws me through a loop. Auugghh, my brains hurts now that I've talked to him. The last message I sent him talked about being how I'd love to watch that thing with him and he answered, "Yep" back to me. DAMMIT. Oh well, chalk it up to experience. Anyway, I guess a better goal would be to stop sounding like a teenage girl in these posts. I seriously cannot bear to read what I've wrote in the past few weeks just because I most probably depict myself inadvertently as a HUGE vagina. 

Am I being self critical? No...a HUGE vagina sounds about right.

-C.C.

Whoops...

           Well that's upsetting. I really hoped that for the most part I would be much more vigilant and responsible in keeping up with my every day posting resolution that I was trying to do but I guess I just ended my streak. How anti-climactic. There wasn't really any big reason I didn't blog yesterday except for the fact that I was extremely busy and very poorly dealt with the time I had. I did have a good amount of fun though. Yesterday, was a wonderful day. It was the bee's knees. I mean, I finished class at noon-ish, found out I didn't bomb my homework assignment, spent my idle time not doing too much, worked out for the second time in a row, then went to a meeting that was really fun where I got some free home cooked Italian food, and then came late to a friend's birthday get together at a steak place. All the while the whole day was just beautiful and sunny and relaxing. The last part was kind of embarrassing since I thought I could come late but then it turned out everyone was waiting for me to get there before they were seated. Yipes. I was just great and relaxing to spend so much time with a bunch of friends and have some more time for just leisure. At the very end of the night I did drag myself to a library to study for a quiz and try to be productive but it seemed I was much slower at studying than I thought I'd be. Dear lord. Going to sleep at four a.m. and then waking up at ten was a bit painful truthfully.
           Today wasn't so awful. I went to class and did decent on my quiz. I then bumped into a friend who I later went to eat pizza with who called me out for being late to class. It was funny. I bummed around trying not to study for the longest time afterwards. I had a huge break in between class and I knew I had to catch up on work for a test coming up, etc, but truthfully I was just not feeling it. I was also sore in a good way from the last few days of working out. Really the most notable thing to happen here was that a started talking to this guy Dan on Grindr. No big deal about him really except I guess talking to any guy on Grindr makes my heart beat a little faster for inconsequential reasons. He was nice and asked for a pic that I didn't have on Grindr. I was kind of embarrassed partly because I didn't have one and that I have noticed that all my pictures still look awful. I actually tried to use my phone camera to provide a picture but I am not exaggerating when I was a little horrified to see how terrible I looked. I mean, I looked like a pathetic, run down version of myself that gained an extra fifteen pounds. I guess this means I'm not photogenic. I swear I can look halfway decent. I really want to keep on talking with him solely for the fact that I just want to get out there and meet and date people. It doesn't matter right now if I crash and burn as long as I just DO something already. Sometimes, I think I look very unattractive. Not just so-so but actually full blown unattractive. I wish it wasn't a big deal to me. I know I have to really come into my own and appreciate and accept all of myself but for some reason I just have a discouraging self-image  problem with myself. I think that is one of the reasons that hold me back from being with someone. But that's ok, because I'll send in that pic, because I can work halfway decent. And if I still look run down and fifteen pounds overweight then that's fine because photoshop and dark, smoky club venues can be my new medium. It's fine. Or maybe I should just go back to studying for the life goal of getting REALLY fat  but very rich from my high powered job that I will have one day. Yeah...that's it.

-C.C.