Today was a relatively good day. Except I had a huge fail in effort when it came to a somewhat important assignment making up thirty percent of my grade. Oh dear. It had something to do with having a whole week to do the thing but not doing it, getting distracted at every turn, getting extremely stressed, procrasturbating (masturbating procrastination), and then staying up all night trying to finish it but never actually succeeding. Long story short I whittled down available time to do my work in only three hours. That was a real adrenaline rush I gotta say. I got it done and slapped everything together. Crazy. Too bad it just put a spotlight on a terrible anxiety and responsibility problem I seem to continue to wrestle with. Well, you win some you lose some.
A great deal of things went well today to be quite honest. I turned in everything on time, and hung out with a friend, and then later went on a cooking spree making a bunch of things for myself. I made ground beef tacos with guacamole and pico and then decided to make some tabouli just because I needed to. I swear, when I sat down to eat I had a whole layout in front of me. It made the fat child inside of me squeal a little. Granted, I took my sweet time making and eating and then cleaning up everything though. I just really wanted to do nothing for the whole night even though I still can't afford it. I started at seven and then all of a sudden I've finally finished everything at eleven in the evening. Pretty worth it. In other news, it's kind of odd but I'm starting to get along with my anti-social roomates. How odd. This includes the one that made me cry that one time. I find them positively quirky instead of negatively off-putting.
Besides everything else, I've been wanting to become quite a bit more mature and reserved. However, not just those two qualities but hoping that I can start to discover what it means to be a man. I don't really know what it means but I do want to find it. I feel like I just need to really embrace a more masculine version of myself instead of the more frivolous and childish personality that I usually characterize my behavior as. The thing is when I interact with my friends it is so easy to fall back on acting like that because that is still part of my personality and also because I've acted that way for so long with those friends that everyone, including myself just expects it. That is the social niche I fit into now and it's increasingly becoming a role that I'm growing old of. Lastly, I was reading Bi Like Me a little while ago and this time the posts really spoke to me. Mostly because of one of the authors, Frat Star. It's a real comfort to read what he says about being a regular guy who is newly out to the world. I always knew I was never alone because of all the blogs I've read over the years, but his entries really speak to me. They're different. At least this time, I'm convinced I'll truly try harder to really come out in my own way. Little by little is what I'm going to do, but now I am much more emboldened. Better than the absolutely nothing I've been working with so far. In any case, a look back at my writing indicates I don't think everything seems to make sense in words, but in my head it's crystal clear. But then again, I'm tired again and it's late. Maybe I'll actually get something done this time tomorrow?
-C.C.
