Saturday, September 1, 2012

The Moment I Remembered I Was Awesome

      In between the time of my last post and this post I've been through a number of things that have really occupied my life in a wonderfully busy way. With being a counselor for two summer camps, meeting up with old friends, moving to an actual house instead of an apartment, and starting  life as a graduate student, it's been an eventful rollercoaster ride. It's interesting that I feel that I've grown up in a few ways that I just noticed a while ago. It's a combination of being more confident in myself, more eager to work towards my goals, and a better idea of what I'm going to do with my life. At the same time, I still a sloppy mess. It's great. And I've had ample chances to be even more of a sloppy mess too. I'm still a big kid inside an awkward Asian guy's body. Except I'm supposed to be an adult now. More adventure for me, I guess.
      One thing of note I do want to say is that being a gay/bi guy in central Texas or wherever I am is rough sometimes. Rough in the sense that it sucks not being able to find a decent guy around it seems who mutually establishes the connection I want with him, but not because I like dudes. If anything, liking dudes and having my circle of friends know about it really isn't the issue. It got me down so much that any random punk on Grindr could bring me down. The breaking point came when I tried Grindr again and quickly found out why I left it in the first place. To be honest, all of this dating, finding a guy, online dating, and whatever had always felt meat market-y and disillusioning. Over time, those feelings built up, and had been for a while, and at that moment they boiled over. I quickly spiraled into a pity party reserved for one. Cue Adele singing in the background about love gone sour and me shedding a tear or two about why no one loved me. But no really, jokes aside this actually happened. That day was turning out to be really awful it seemed. After a day or two of being in a rut, I decided I needed to get myself out of this. I got a haircut, changed into some nicer clothes, and felt a little better because I felt that I looked good. A little while later I went out with some friends and got a few compliments from the ladies. This made me feel a little better.Time does eventually heal all wounds and I felt I was well on my way. I'd lick my wounds and keep on walking. However, sometimes, life throws you a bone. And when I say bone, I really mean a hand-held chainsaw.
     After the partial success of getting out of the hole I was in, I went back home to my parents. It was great. They gave me chores that they themselves couldn't do like carry heavy things and other mundane tasks. However, one thing that did stand out was some yard work I had to tackle mostly on my own. A storm had come in and large portions of our backyard trees were torn asunder. It would have been a cumbersome and labor intensive task to clear the mess I was tasked with cleaning, except for the fact that my dad handed me a hand-held chainsaw to use as I pleased. I had never used a chainsaw before but before long I got the gist of it. I was still in my nice clothes from the night before except now I was sweating like a man as I ripped through huge branches and brush. It was fun. I can't say I've had better times doing chores before. Wood chips were flying, woodland creatures were fleeing, and I felt I was giving mother nature the finger every time I cut up those branches like butter. I thought, not only did I look good in my nice clothes and haircut, I was gaining a nice bundle of man points with my chainsaw. And before long I realized something-I was awesome. At that moment, I felt like a badass. I was Big Pappa Smurf. I was King of this Mother F&#king Jungle. I was thinking, all those punks on Grindr were probably jerking off at home and was I doing? Using a chainsaw to chop Mother Nature down to size. Literally. Hell yeah. And I also realized that maybe, all along, I've always been awesome and that I didn't need anyone to dictate my personal worth or desirability. And finding that out was in itself, really awesome. To set the record straight, I don't like to toot my own horn and I try to keep myself humble. But sometimes, you just really need moments like these. So I guess the moral of this story is that when life gives you lemons, use a hand-held chainsaw to F&*K those lemons up. Because you're better than those lemons anyway. Hell Yeah. America. 


Monday, July 23, 2012

Well, Sh*t

      To be completely honest, life is treating me rather well. I got into graduate school after much anxiety and worry, I got to hang out with my friends most of the time, and I have just continued to eat myself silly and avoid doing anything productive. On the other hand, I've really done absolutely nothing with the rest of my summer. Sure, summer is officially almost over, but I can't say I regret most of what I've done, even though a large amount of my leisure time has been being a lazy sack of potatoes in my bed on facebook for hours upon hours. Hopefully, I can do a bunch of work in this one week I have left and really finish off the summer in a way I would want. Life has been pretty good to me, and then I have to go ruin it for myself. 
        I really shouldn't have done it, but then I did, because these things are my kryptonite right now. I just always go back to doing it. My kryptonite being the hours of searching and reading about sappy stories about two guys falling for each other. I mean, the criteria for these stories is pretty general. Two regular guys in a generic work or academic setting spending all this time together and then they find out they like each other, stuff happens, etc, etc, etc. Surprisingly for me Reddit has a small treasure trove or ten of these kind of "real life" stories of these guys shacking up with each other and how they are dealing with their feeling now or something or other. Or whatever.

 Something like from this thread

I could literally spend days reading the little walls of text and responses about these stories. Are they real? To me, it doesn't matter. They're real enough for me. I want to believe they are real so badly I really don't care if they are written by a forty something old man in Siberia. I need something to hold on to right now, and if I have to believe in a fairy tale, I will. This stupid god forsaken feeling of wanting to be with someone when you're alone is so familiar these days. It's almost an unsurprising occurrence, like another mundane thought about what I want to do today or what I should eat today. But every time it hurts fresh. Sometimes though, the feeling will go away for long periods of time, as if there was never a problem in the first place, but then I go do something stupid and look up these kinds of stories and all of these feelings get unearthed all over again. Today, my mind just kept of thinking of actually being a couple with another guy doing couple things and I was just not happy. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I have to want these things so badly? Why can't I be happy with my great life right now? Why do people have to love each other like this anyway? Why does this hurt so badly? The only answer I get for now is that being lonely is shitty. I like to convince myself that being alone is not lonely. In fact, it can be liberating and good. I've learned about myself by being alone this long. But being a young, probably completely gay guy isn't treating me so well right now. I guess what makes this worse is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Or rather, it's hard for me to talk to others about this. Opening up completely to a person is just so daunting. Or maybe, I just need to open myself up more? It's whatever, I'll just go to bed. And then implode later.


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Let's Give Them Something to Talk About

        Today really started off with a bang. That conversation I had with the Asian guy where we harmlessly flirted with each other really took a turn for the raunchy. I mean, by five in the morning we were typing up all these things we'd do to each other if we were in the same city. Some naked wrestling was popped up, and then some blowjobs and other shenanigans. I mean, I got really into it talking about what I'd to to his junk. Whoa. We both definitely came. He even said he shot the wall behind him. Dang, I internet banged him good haha. That was really something I was not expecting. We've only had three full length conversations together. It just kind of happened. I thought we were just gonna be two gay chat what??? That was intense. To be honest, I was feeling really lonely before I started talking to him that night so I guess all's well that ends well. At work I was a bit distracted though. I couldn't stop thinking about what I did and how all that even happened. Is this right? I don't even know this guy. Now I'm just cycling between a steel hard on from last night and a little bit of confused regret when I think about it. I guess I finally have something to say when it comes to dudes. Whoaaaaaa.
          To add to the amount of awkward you can have in one day, I went for dinner and a movie with a friend I wanted to get to know more. She's kind of my camp partner so we are just trying to find time to hang out right now. Apparently the new movie Savages wasn't the best idea. The action scenes were fantastic and the drama was decent, but for some reason the movie was just a little off. I mean, I guess watching a movie with really raunchy sex scenes with someone you don't really know that well can be weird. A strange devil's triangle threesome plot device where two dudes and a gal get high and do it with each other and spend the rest of the movie acting like it's totally fine can be a bit mind boggling. My friend and I were really confounded by it all. To be honest though, I love me some Selma Hayek, so really it wasn't the worst movie ever. Just gave me some weird vibes. Also, I finally have P90x and I am so ready to get sexy and all that jazz. Well, after I find the motivation to lift my fat lazy self out of this internet addiction I have. I need something to distract me from my grad school acceptance worries. Waiting is more stressful than I had anticipated. Maybe I need to talk to that Asian guy again and wack off again? How do you call it? Cyber-ing? That's so 90's and AOL right? I think I'm a little embarrassed for myself right now.


And the Party Never Ends?

       This whole week had me saying goodbye to somebody in my life. Sometimes it was just a sendoff with the knowledge that we would still be close as ever, sometimes it was a drunken salute to old times with the unspoken understanding that life goes on and that we would never see each other again. It just seems so crazy to me how life changes like this. People who are a big part of your life now can sometimes instantly have a smaller part of your life, either due to distance or life changes. One friend is moving to Dallas for good to work at an accounting firm, while another is going to medical school in Dallas. To top that all off, I've been spending time with my cousin who is going to go into a convent way up in Michigan and stay there for the rest of her life more or less. I know I'm mature enough to know life changes and people change along with it but it's just so crazy. Every day I read up on my friends and see them on internships and working at firms and continuing to graduate schools and it's just really mind boggling. These same people are those who I had great times with, acted huge fools with, and saw at their best and worst. At the same time, I'm not really doing anything with my life right now and I'm not making the best decisions for myself to become more mature and all that good business. On top of that, living with the parents right now can sometimes be a downer since they keep on telling me about people who have done so much better than I have and are doing things with their life while I'm not. It does hurt, but I guess my parents are just worried for me. Thanks anyway parents.
        This weekend was really amazing actually because I was able to bond with some other people for my camp that I am in that helps kids whose parents have cancer. It's really an under-served demographic and the benefits and experiences I've gotten from it have been amazing. The people are great and we all know we are here to make a difference. It really is something close to my heart. To see those kids who hold such tragedy in their hearts it really is amazing how much the camp actually makes a difference. They laugh and play like any other child and yet they have to deal with the frightening uncertainty of their parent's battle with cancer. The stories of these children can be amazing. One kid was a huge troublemaker. Some people would  even say he was a little poo, because he was, and he really didn't treat other kids well either. But at the same time, he was dealing with so many problems like his father being a soldier in Kuwait, his parents being divorced, and it seemed he wasn't getting the discipline or attention he needed. Even though the whole time he was still very much a problem child he did learn to express himself in other ways, like writing down his private thoughts and calming down. I thought that was pretty interesting. Another child had a mother who was terminally ill before he left for camp and he talked about how he knew how his parents were struggling with medical bills and at the same time grasping at straws because they were running out of options. He said how scared he was and I couldn't even imagine how that could feel. I think the most amazing part of camp was this girl who was deaf but had a magical ability to connect with you on an unspoken level. She used to be an orphan but was adopted recently and still felt the fear and uncertainty we all did. The thing was, she could be very difficult too, and with her being deaf, we were very unsure if she would even open up to us. When she did however, she blew us out of the water. She really shared so much of her emotion at that time and that was really amazing. Even after camp, amazing things were unfolding. There was one kid I knew who opened up only very little about his mother's cancer, but when he was alone with his mom, he talked for the first time about how he felt about his mother's illness. For his mother, it was a huge breakthrough. To be a part of something that impacts people so much and does so much for others is something I hope to always do in my life. I think it gives me a better idea how a person can influence others, especially if I want to become a doctor, those experiences taught me how to appreciate people in my life like my parents and let me see inside myself and really asses who I want to be and what I should do.
            I also found out stories about the people I was going to camp with too. One counselor lost his mom at thirteen while another lost her mother only a year ago. My own story is that my dad had benign cancer three years ago and I took it rather poorly. It was way too easy for me to forget about it and I did. I don't think I knew how to deal with it, so I didn't and I dived into college head first. Two years ago my grandpa died of kidney cancer and it still feels like he's still here, just away for a vacation or something. It's unreal. 
            As much as dudes are concerned absolutely nothing is happening. I did talk to one guy about playing Mario Kart with him, so I'll be excited for that. I decided I'm gonna ask out Red for coffee or something. I mean, I know he's a total creeper, but I'm just so starved for some kind of romantic interaction it can't be that bad right? Also, he is supposed to be a good guy in real life so hopefully it'll be alright. I just never expected how much of a wuss I am to actually take one tiny step. Sometimes I think I'm hopeless. Really, I just want to learn how to nut up and just ask someone out so this is a good step right? In other news I am getting along with this guy who is part of that camp I talked about I we get along so well it's uncanny. I mean, given enough time I think we could be very good friends and we could get pretty close. That's really important to me since I don't have those kinds of guy friends right now and that would be amazing. The downside to this is that I think he's really cute. I know he's straight and has a girlfriend and everything, but really, if he also liked dudes that would be a dream come true. Anyway, I'll get over it though and I have no illusions about what will happen so I'm really excited just to see if we can become really good friends. Right now, I am chatting with that Asian kid again and we're being kind of flirty with each other. Fuck Yeaaaah. We're talking about wrestling with each other naked and making out. Just what I needed right now, thank god.