Can't control myself...

Really, a fun euphemism would be that I just can't help myself, but that just not the case. I go to porn everyday now. It's absolutely ridiculous and it makes me feel a bit hollow and empty when I look back on it. I just don't know what to do. I really have to stop...but I heard this all before.....

I look at other people and I see how determined and successful they are. I see their work and I see perhaps the resolve they may have. I don't need my mom to repeatedly tell me that. I know it's her disappointment that she's venting upon me, but I have to say doesn't she know that I'm already beating myself up enough over it too!??!!? It makes me so frustrated and that's the most frequent side I see of her these days... I frustrated, sometimes angry and bitter, and greatly disappointed woman.

It is a fucking bitch I've got to fucking tell the fucking world about. But of course, the world is more a small corner of this earth, and where do the echoes go? Oh wait, there aren't any, so no one will know I suppose. The ripples from my catharsis are meant to flow out into this small corner of the world, so they won't reflect the small little reality I live in I guess, because I want to reveal myself somehow and this is the place I must turn to isn't it?

I don't know...
I don't know very many things I suppose.....

Just stuff

Look. I've made another blog. I don't know if I'll be faithful to this one or not. I just need to talk. I'm going out into the world and I don't want to admit it, but I'm just as scared as can be. When I'm scared, I procrastinate, and that only makes things worse. I just feel bad, that's all.