No Rest for the Science Major

     The reality of life is coming a mile a minute and I really just am a little overwhelmed how much it going to happen in the next few months. I'm officially going to Europe in the summer! Backpacking with a friend going to Italy and Spain is going to be CRAZY! I'm excited...but scared at the same time. I'm really scared actually...but the spirit of adventure hopefully will keep me afloat. Actually...I don't have any money really to go to Europe so that's a huge problem haha. Also, we still haven't quite finished planning the trip so really we have to get things going. In addition, I'm graduating in a little over a month which is even crazier. To top that off, many of my friends will have left college by the end of the year and I may never see them again. However, sometimes, I'm glad I have such demanding schoolwork to distract me from graduation since it really helps keep me focused sometimes. Unfortunately I also have a twenty five to thirty page paper that I have to write by the end of the semester or else I don't graduate. I was shaking the moment I found out. I'm so busy and stressed I've been up until four in the morning every day just stressing out and trying to do everything I can. My sleep schedule is messed up beyond belief so that only exacerbates my problems.
     In general, life has been pretty chill and relaxed so far. In truth it's been a good peaceful lull before the storm. However, I'm getting ready hopefully. I have a bunch of extracurricular activities but I think I can manage. I could list out all the things I've been doing like reuniting with my mentor who is a strong friend of mine but lives in Iowa, painting myself blue for various social purposes, having a chill barbecue with friends with smores, even though I had to do all the cooking, etc, but really I am much too long winded to go into detail with that. I guess what has been most interesting is that I still pine over guys like it ain't no thing, but at the same time I've been fostering some odd feeling for a girl who I find absolutely gorgeous. I mean, she is pretty but just both her personality and overall way she comes off to people is gorgeous. She's kind of an old soul, and that really impresses on me. I don't know where these heterosexual feelings come from, but I really do like her. I get nervous around her, I act a little more awkward, and I feel better when she's around. Weird. I could consider being in a serious relationship with her. Of course, then I can come home and jack off twice to gay porn like I'm the biggest fan of penis to ever grace the earth. Which I did pretty much for a few days now. Even stranger, sometimes, I'll be doing that, and I'll stop finding what I'm watching attractive and lose my hard on because I'll think, "Whoa...these are dudes...doing each other..." It's so odd. In other odd news, there's this friend who I don't find especially attractive, but he did a surprise piggy back ride on me and his cologne rubbed off on me and even hours later it's still on me and for some reason I'm really digging his scent. By that I mean I keep on trying to smell it on my shirt and it gets me going. I don't know how I feel about this. But that's okay, I'll just throw myself into my thirty page paper and forget it all. Or go crazy, I don't know if that's really such a bad option.

P.S.

I saw this on postsecret today, and this made me feel a little sad. Sometimes I feel like this, although truthfully I have stopped feeling like this lately which makes me happy I'm getting better. I feel like I just have better self-confidence these days and it makes me really happy thinking about it. Not that I don't still feel lonely, though. It just that, why can't we all find unconditional love more than some superficial standard of good looks and a rocking bod? Anyway, I know that feel, bro.

 

-C.C.

Git 'er Done

       Just a small tangent, I'm starting this post at 4:20. Hahaha. Marijuana reference. But really though, I have exciting news since I just finished my graduate application! YES! Too bad I relapsed on the whole lent and extraneous internet including porn thing. I mean, I was going great for a week or two but really I just folded. I shouldn't have done it though, because I don't know what happened but immediately afterwards I just felt really lonely. I think I'm just in one of those moods again, although I've never gone back down to those awful times when I literally felt like I was going through psychological depression. Today was really lax since I came to class late but then had a long lunch with friends and then just went to another class which ended for the semester. Since that class has ended, it really feels as if this semester has started it's inevitable end going at a full throttle pace. At the same time, I still need to order my cap and gown, diploma frame, etc. Crazy huh? Too bad I'm bad with deadlines so I guess that won't be happening! Haha, my mom is gonna be pissed. In reality, in the past few weeks, I've really dealt with all of this in a nonchalant fashion because I am really ready to move on. A part of me is really tired of being an undergraduate now. Sure I have more school ahead of me, but I'm ready for that next chapter. In general, I'm ready to just grow up. It's a strange and kind of nice feeling. I'm very uncertain what I'll be doing in a year, but at the same time, I think I'll be alright. In other news, I have been vegetarian-ish for two days! Not including bacon bits on my salad or actually eating chicken that one time but I'm not going to nick pick details. I would like to try this thing out, but I'm insanely hungry all the time. Also, I've been doing some thinking and I really think I may be slowly inching toward that phase where I want to just get off with someone and then do my thing. I don't know, I'm not really thrilled about it but at the same time I do want to get out there. I think starting with a healthy relationship would be good at least. But really, I need to go to sleep. I have a class to go to that I honestly don't care about and will be tempted to sleep through. That dilemma will be saved for my future self.

-C.C.

A lack of endurance and Sixty More Days

       I took an unplanned unintentional hiatus from blogging everyday but found out how refreshing it was. I mean, it took more energy than I every thought to write out the thoughts and actions that I had throughout the day. I never noticed that. Spring Break was fun just being busy every day of the week with friends and spending money all the time. However, I realized too late how I was neglecting my parents since I don't see them enough as it is. It really did make myself disappointed in myself I'm not gonna lie.
      In other news, I have some resolutions that I hopefully can fulfill before I actually GRADUATE IN SIXTY DAYS. Hopefully I can write down everything I say and do in the next sixty days in order to really just make the most of the days I have left as an undergraduate in college. Being a senior is crazy. I have a bunch of stuff to do from now until then and so much I want to do. But really, I guess one thing that isn't so great is staying up till five a.m. being a college kid and doing nothing but hang with friends? Naw, you only live once. Also, I think I'm becoming more comfortable with the whole I wanna make out and do it with people thing right now. Mostly because that's all I want to do it seems. I'm a really late bloomer and I'm dealing with it. But really, I haven't finished my graduate application yet. Haha, oh my god...

-C.C.

Cousins

      Today started out a bit on the unproductive side since I slept until four in the morning and then jerked off three times in bed. I swear I just don't take care of myself. I mean, I didn't even eat or shower or anything for the longest time today. I'm pretty disgusting, but really when I let myself go on breaks, I just totally let hit the sh*t hit the fan. In other news, I've really been enjoying making plans trying to spend enough time with the cousins while we still have time together. This meant spending a small sleepover together to foster cousin togetherness and really just spend some time with the cousin Max who is going to become a nun. Really, it's been relatively easy for me to deal with, but I just realized how hard it has been for her immediate family. I mean, her little brother who is almost twenty now actually would cry every time they had serious talks about her going into the convent and everything. I didn't even realize. It's crazy, yet she is actually happy and serene about the whole thing. Hmm, interesting to think about I guess. But really all we did was just laugh and talk and then turn in after a few hours. Really I think we didn't have that much to talk about after one of us went to sleep I guess. But really that was the point right? I guess. But really this whole week is really is dedicated to spending time with family and friends and just trying to catch up with my life. But really, I just care about my family a bunch and I'm really glad to have them around. And with this marginally related video, that's the note I'll end on.

-C.C.

It's Spring Break!

Being Spring Break and all, things have gone a little down hill. I got super excited that I now had time to catch up on all the things I've ever neglected like planning for graduation and stuff but then I unfortunately started bumming around on the internet till four in the morning letting me get nothing done. There is so much to do so I'll just go do it. In other news, I've been really dreamy as of late. Sometimes, I listen to this song, Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show and imagine myself dancing to somebody I love and it feels like the best thing in the world. In general I adore this song, granted the music video is really just not as poignant as I would like it to be...Just something about it tells a beautiful story or maybe because I'm just a Texas boy, born and raised and I believe Country can actually be a beautiful musical medium?

-C.C.

A Sour Day and a Blog Entry

       Today was a bit horrifying and awful because I had ten minutes to get to class and my van that replaced my other van got towed...so I had to bike to campus, which isn't awful but more so when you only have ten minutes to get to class. On top of that the wind decided to blow a monsoon in my direction the whole entire way almost. Not to mention when I get to class my professor decides to call on me four times on very science-ey questions that really had me guessing. Fantastic. But on the bright side, I had lunch with some friends, participated in a flash mob, and hung out with Crystal all evening making fun videos, etc. Also, I was all vegetarian today. Except for bacon bits on my salad. Whoops. That still made me feel good since I have been trying to ease into that lifestyle for a while. So really, I guess today wasn't the best, but it definitely wasn't the worst. The thing is, I got really agitated. I mean, I wanted to have a fit for most of the day. I was surprised how much of a rise this got out of me.
         In any case, today was pretty notable, but made even more so because of this blog I stumbled upon, "A Breeder's Journal" at http://mrsteed64.blogspot.com had an entry that really spoke to me. The reason being that I've been struggling with self-esteem issues for a very long time and although I am getting better, sometimes it really is a bit of a struggle. But this was better and I am glad I took time to read it.

"I made love to someone recently—it was in these pages, but who it was doesn’t matter. While we were fucking, I kept telling him how beautiful he was, and how handsome. I didn’t say the words simply to get into his pants. Those pants had hit the bedroom floor a couple of hours before. I was telling him how deeply attractive I found him because I really felt what I was saying, right at that moment. I wanted him to know how much I wanted him and how good he made me feel. I could’ve gone all day without touching the guy, if he’d granted me the favor of letting me lie there and look at his sweet face, his handsome features, his deep and kind eyes.

There was a moment when we were slowly gyrating against each other, enjoying the slow and deliberate pleasure of it, when he looked up at me in wonder. “I never think of myself this way,” he said. “You make me feel like a completely different person.”

I stared at him for a moment. “So why don’t you allow yourself to be?” I finally asked, before kissing him.

It was one of those moments that could have easily been forgotten. We both could’ve returned to our homes that night sated and stinking of each other, content to let the evening remain a memory. He took it a little further than I expected, though, when I heard from him last week with this email. 

You don’t know this, but I fell asleep that night replaying that short conversation in my head. I probably acted like a lovesick fifteen-year-old. You wouldn’t let me go. “Why don’t you allow yourself to be?”, I kept hearing in my head, again and again. 

Did I feel like a completely different person, through your eyes? I did. Did I feel beautiful, and handsome, and desirable, and all the things I always feared I’d never be? I most certainly did. 

The next morning I woke up and I thought, "What if I really am all those things?” 

And I thought, "Why not assume that you are? Why not get up and get through the day assuming you’re all things he said you are?" Handsome. Beautiful. Sexy. Remarkable. Sweet. Hot. 

It felt like I’d woken up in someone else’s bed. I was giddy as I thought to myself, "It won't hurt anyone. It won't break laws. Why not try it? What if you did it as an experiment? Say, a week? One week of thinking of yourself as handsome?” 

It was strange. I really wanted to try it, to listen to this unexpected voice—your voice—urging me on. But then my own voice intruded. “It’d be ridiculous because you’re not handsome at all,” it said. “You’re as far away from handsome as it’s possible to get. That’s why.” 

Your voice spoke up. "Do you think I was just kidding with you? Pitying you? Being kind, in a moment of passion?” 

I wanted to listen to your voice in my head that morning. Not my own. I stepped into the bathroom. Looked in the mirror. I had sex hair. My face looked slept-upon. But I was handsome. I didn’t have to believe it. I didn’t believe it, yet. I just had to say it to myself. 
I am handsome. 

I was walking down the street during rush hour on the way to work. "Lift your head up," I told myself. Have you ever noticed you always look down as you walk, to hide your face? Stop looking down. You're handsome." 

I do it. I am handsome. 

In the coffee shop. The server is amazingly cute. He could have anyone he wants. “Don't tilt your head down when he speaks to you. Look him in the eye. You're handsome." 

I look him in the eye. I smile. I wink as I wish him a good day. 

He gives me a free cookie. 

Well, now. 

I decide to let myself be handsome all that day. Then all that week. And I swear to god, it’s working. I haven’t changed physically, but the world is changing around me. People react to me differently—men and women both, and not just in a sexual way. It's not my imagination. The more I say it, the more I believe it. The more my confidence grows, the more inclined the world is to get out of my way–or, better, to help me step aside and admire me as I pass. 

It’s novel, and it’s sweet, and I love myself in a way I haven’t for over thirty years. I am handsome. 

You were the start of this. You did in a few hours what a succession of expensive therapists had never been able to do. You changed the world for me. 

You and your words. 

Thank you.

Now. I have some disagreements with the basic moral my lover has drawn here. It wasn’t me or my words that changed his world. He did that all by himself, by being open to the truth, open to the universe, and showing a willingness to believe in the best parts of himself rather than to run away from them. And if I can get pseudo-mystical for a moment: you can do that, too.

I get so much email from readers who wish their lives were like mine. Or if not exactly like mine, richer and more free, in a direction they perceive mine as being. If there’s anything I wish to have accomplished after two years of blogging about my sex life, it’s to impart a very specific message: your life is not entirely on rails. You are in control of many of the aspects of your existence that make you unhappy. If you’re dismayed with the way things are going, seize the wheel and steer in a direction that’s better for you. Good things can happen to you. You deserve every single one of them.

You are handsome. You are beautiful. You are a wonderful person with an abundance of good qualities. (Well, a couple of you are real shits, but chances are that if you were one of them, you wouldn’t have read this far. You’d already have written your snarky little comment about how I should get a real job, and gone on your merry way.) Good people in your lives have told you these things before; I'm repeating them to you now.

I have encountered so many men in the last two years alone who long to subscribe to these truths about themselves, but are so frightened to believe anything good they hear—or are so used to ignoring the compliments—that they shy away. They cringe, and deflect, and discount. 

Anything not to hear what they so desperately wish was reality. 

Yet these things are truths. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are handsome. You have a good, sweet soul. Why not believe it for a day? It won’t hurt anyone if you do. 

Why not believe it for a week? You won’t break any laws. 

Why not act as if it’s true, for good, and watch how the world changes around you? Because it can, and will, if you so much as allow it.

That’s what I wish for each and every one of you. What gift could be sweeter?"


I'm really tired from doing nothing too productive so to all, a good night.

-C.C.

What Am I Doing?

        Today was alright, but just a bit of a mess since I was just supposed to do a bunch of things I ultimately didn't do. I worked out three times in a row and felt great. I swear my thighs look like tree trunks now it's awesome. Okay, exaggeration, but I'm just happy I'm working out. However, any and all other responsibilities have been cast to the wayside since I literally went and pissed away my time all over the internet. I really did. I technically didn't break my vow for lent to stop looking at porn, but I did break my whole stop procrastinating on stuff for lent. I also procrastinated a bunch with hanging out with friends. Man am I a mess. Really, it just went down the hill for me that way. I really just stayed on match.com and all those things for the longest time. I actually found a guy who I thought was really cute there. I don't know, maybe it's all nothing but for some reason he likes a bunch of the things I do. Truthfully, I'm obviously not focusing on my priorities at all. This is kind of distressing. But that's okay, because I keep on looking at my one vague ab in the mirror and flexing to see if I can magically turn it into six. I'll be alright, no worries.

-C.C.

Chinese Food and Family

         Today we celebrated my dad's birthday. He turns seventy one today. It's kind of crazy. Most people's grandparents are that age but here comes my dad, still kicking. He has still looked lively and healthy all these years. He hasn't really changed although he has shrunk from age, as has my mom. We went to this old restaurant just across the street from our house that has been there for ages. I for one was just ready to have real authentic Chinese food just like the old days before I went off to college. Being in a college town means dealing with sad imitations of what is supposed to be Chinese, Indian, or any other type of ethnic cuisine outside of burgers and BBQ. I ate my fill and it was glorious. My dad literally ordered around twelve or so dishes and it couldn't have made me happier. While we were eating, the rest of the family that were there talked about life, marriage, and just everything to get us caught up with each other. One cousin is on her way to becoming a nun and in only a few months she'll be gone to Michigan just like that. I'll be sad when that day comes. I was considering telling her that I like guys before she left, because time with her is limited and I think we've become much closer over the years. Another cousin is pregnant and the rest of the family is absolutely thrilled. I was too. It'll be so wonderful and I can't wait. All the while, a television showed the Knicks versus Celtics playing and all of us rooted for Jeremy Lin. I mean, we don't love him just because he's Asian, but because he's a ballin Asian. Just talking about all these things just made me love these moments. I really do love my family and I really am blessed. After this, I went grocery shopping with the parents even though I could have done it alone. I just wanted their company, and this just really made me appreciate them.
         I came back today to college town in a more rickety van than the one I broke down in, and am just glad to have a car. However, it's that time again when I get super horny. Man, to be honest I kind of like being horny all the time but at the same time it's killing me because I'm pretty sexually frustrated. I really considered just jumping into the fray and becoming a horny manslut for a while because I really am that horny. I know it would be terrible for me since I'm not that kind of person, but really a future with Hand Solo is pretty unappealing and sometimes I think it's a better alternative than still being alone after all these years until I can really find somebody. In other news, I literally spent an hour on YouTube watching dudes making out. Is that still keeping up with lent since I swore off porn? In any case, I need to do something about this situation, because I think I hit a new low, but I'm not sure. I felt a little pathetic reflecting on all this. So obviously I'm the coolest person I know. I'm going to go bury my dignity in a place no one can find it now.

-C.C.

Not Planning for the Future, Partying Instead

        I swear I'm going to focus on what my plans are for the future right when I finish this post. And after I work out a little bit. At 1:30 in the morning. It's cool. I've only had four hours of sleep. But it's okay because this whole month of March I have no tests. But then the first week of April I have three tests to worry about. I know that's going to screw me over but really I'm feeling fine right now at least. Anyway, this Friday I literally traversed all over my college town just hanging out with people. Going to a documentary thing with some people, touring a nifty recycling center, attending a few birthday shindigs that night, and then staying awake until six in the morning watching scary movies and hanging out even more. Then waking up at nine in the morning to tow my sorry manvan to Houston to get fixed up. Sad. But here I am in Houston, here doing Spring cleaning with the parents and celebrating my dad's birthday. Sure I'm exhausted but really I don't regret it too much. Being here with them really does do me good since they make me confront what I have to do for the future instead of my alternatives of not doing anything at all and silently panicking about them. Really. That is what I do with my future plans and partly why my graduate application is still very much unfinished. However, now that I've talked some plans over with my parents now I actually have to do them. Starting now. Fantastic.
       My whole Friday night was really interesting because I managed to do everything that I was hoping to do. I mean, going to two birthday parties, a scary movie night and other stuff all without a car? I think that's impressive. I know I told myself to really choose which things deserve my time the most but really I think this time was alright even though I know I missed some good things from splitting up my time. The one birthday party I went to was just a slopfest with beer pong going and people smoking all over the house. Yuck. What was interesting was that I was dressed kind of nice and I was riding with some friends and one pretty girl who I hadn't met before. She was cute and all the while I was wondering if maybe I could talk to her more and see what would happen. For a while I thought she might have been into me. I even thought that maybe she whispered to her friend that she thought I was hot. That really made my night. That being true or not, I instantly became extremely awkward talking to her. WOMP WOMP. There was actually another guy talking to her that was much more charismatic and I was just a tad bit jealous. Fortunately for me the pretty girl pre-gamed too much with tequila so I was lucky enough to find out my awkward attempts to woo her weren't the end of the world. She ended up passing out on the ride back home. Haha, that's college romance for you. So sure, I'm not straight but when did I start liking girls? There were a bunch of gay guys at the same party too. The birthday girl at the party apparently has a bunch of gay friends, who I found out really loves having her boobs fondled by these gay men. And when I say fondled, I mean clamping on the nipples and groping actions being done. Still, everyone was pretty drunk here so no harm done? There was this one gay guy who was in the military and was showing off his tattoos that I thought was just so hot. On one hand, he was a soldier, is a red head, and had a sexy red beard. On the other hand, he was kind of short and his mannerisms and voice really gave away the fact that he prefers penis. But really I did not mind at all because if I fazed out his voice and just saw him standing in a room, I really was tempted to go make out with him. I think it's just because he was a red head. Seriously.
            On another note, I've decided to maybe start doing things with Red. I mean, I've been whining about him forever and really, I think I'm just kind of ready to do something and just feel something. Am I doing the right thing? I know I want to save what I got for someone special, but really just cuddling up and making out with someone is what I really kind of want right now with somebody I can find attractive and promising I guess. It just seems like the signs in my life just point to why not? And if everything turns out to be a huge and terrible plane crash, I'll be okay, because I'm young and I just got to get out there right? I just hope I don't re-read this post in the future and say, "Damn you past self, you've screwed me over once again!" because really, I do that to myself way too often as it is.

-C.C.

Good Vibes and Awkward Thoughts

         I've worked out for two days straight and I actually feel great! Today wasn't too bad since I got a good friend to pick me up today...even though I didn't realize that we had to go this roundabout way to get to campus that included taking the bus too which made me completely late for class. It got awkward in there since I'm quickly becoming the class dunce in there compounded by the fact that I was really late. I swear I find the class interesting and engaging but I'm not really excelling in it as much as I wish I was. I then actually had a bunch of good social interaction having lunch with some friends from my classes and then spending the rest of the day with Crystal and having lunch and then spending some good study time with another freshman I used to mentor, Rose. I guess I feel good since my day ended on a somewhat good note. However, I don't know what happened but I just didn't get much done except for what I really needed to finish today. I finished some homework due tomorrow and got my bike fixed which made it good as new. Anyway, there is so much work to be done I can't slack off yet.
         One kind of sad little note was that I spent almost all night last night on OkCupid looking at Red's profile there and others' as well. I spent way too much time on it updating and all that jazz. It was actually so much more fun than I had intended too. I keep on thinking maybe I should ask him out on a date. My main motivation being that (this is going to sound a little pathetic) it seems the website thinks we're a really high match. Sometimes I'll think of him and then I'll immediately get extremely turned off by him because of how strongly he propositioned me a while ago. Every time I try to consider him I think of how much of a penis monster he was to me so to speak and I feel ashamed that I'm even considering him in that way. The thing is I think I'm a bit too much of a coward to go out and message anybody else right now. Jesus. It feels that if I ever did go and ask him I'd maybe be settling for him in a way because I don't want to be treated like some dimepiece. Still...why do these stupid thoughts keep popping up? I think my common sense is inherently broken.
       Anyway, this video made me feel good about life in general. It's wonderful.

-C.C.