Watch Out World, I'm on My Man Period.

Apparently that's what's going on right now. I mean, the depressing post, the pity fest I had for half of the day, and then the crying session I had after my roommate addressed me in a slightly annoyed tone. I SWEAR I am more emotionally stable than this. Really. It's marginally embarrassing but I'll just walk it off. Or something. Hopefully. My goodness.

A Dilemma for the Lonely and Heartbroken.

        After I tried to jerk off on skype with Red (guy from previous post) I honestly felt disgusted and a little guilty. I mean, I felt as if I had more scruples than that. I was in a little bit of disbelief that I couldn't control myself and that I easily let some guy I barely knew see me in a way that didn't leave room for anything that I really craved like I don't know, some kind of mental or emotional connection. I felt really distraught and burnt out on this tug of war between the horny bastard and the hopeless and slightly disillusioned hopeless romantic inside of me. Still do a bit I suppose. Red apparently is really interested in "making me his bitch" in a crude sense. It turns a part of me on but at the same time I really don't want that. I know that if I ever went all the way, I'd know I'd this awful feeling inside of me, because I'd know this was only for sex as a stimulus, and little else.

      I want my first everything to be with someone I have a real connection with. I want to find that guy. The thing is...there's this sense of urgency right now that since I've never done anything with a guy in my while twenty one years that it'll be many more years until I really even get a sliver of a chance to really be with someone that I should make the best of it and go all the way with this guy. But I know that if I do that, a part of my heart might surely break more than it has. I think it'll be hard for me to do anything casual with a guy. Not that I won't enjoy it, but afterwards I'll think back and know this isn't what I really want. In the end, I may just go through with it and in retrospect conclude that because I was lonely, I became a little bit of a slut, because of my fear that I may not find that person perhaps for years. I really do want to go all the way with him sometimes but I know that I am totally capable of taking the high road and waiting for that guy for a bit longer. But do I really want to do that? Could I really survive that? Or will this just make the loneliness inside me create a deeper crevice inside me? Or perhaps the third option...to just come out entirely, because then I might actually find someone the proper way. No lies, no nothing, which is attractive. But am I really gay? I actually still don't know. I'm sure a large part of me is, but I do find women mysterious and attractive too to some extent. Is that enough? I wouldn't even know where to begin. 

    I don't know....I just...hate this, I guess. At the same time, I know this is something I have to grow up and deal with. I also know that everyone feels this way at one time or another. But then why does my heart still hurt so bad? I just want to feel how "Love" feels like. That's all I can think of right now. It's all I want sometimes. Not just the big cinematic moments but the small yet irreplaceable moments only two people can share. There have been times where all I truly crave is to hold hands with a guy and have them squeeze back because they really do want me. And sometimes, my heart breaks regardless because I know that right now, it's something that's out of reach for me, while being stuck in this stagnant limbo of loneliness. I don't know, sometimes I don't feel attractive or that anyone wants me to be their "somebody". It hurts. It's a concealed and silent hurt that comes out from my heart and radiates through my body. I feel like it has been wearing me down for too long and my heart is tired. This feeling I am too familiar with. Will...I ever find somebody? I don't think I can answer that.