On Solitude

         I guess blogging every day has its disadvantages. I mean, I've just been thinking that my blog posts have been lacking a good amount of substance. Goodness. But I'll keep up with it for now. I promised myself I'd blog everyday if I could help it. Today was productive in the sense that I finished my physical chemistry homework. It took five hours almost. What. A. B****. Fill in the blanks. It was just awful. On the bright side doing it in a group made it almost bearable. We were all miserable together. I was also horridly sore in my calves for the longest time. I literally rushed to the gym Jacuzzi in some lame attempt to get rid off all the lactic acid inside of me. I also tried to give myself a deep tissue massage too. A fun fact about that part of my day was that a bunch a good fit guys were always around when I was in the jacuzzi. Ironically, I didn't have any glasses to see them with so although I could tell they were all attractive and all, most if not all of the visual details were sadly lost on me. Unfortunately, it still hurts to stand up and walk, however the hot tub and massage helped a little.
        Afterwards, I went to watch the Woman in Black starring Daniel Radcliffe with a friend. It was AWESOME. I loved it! I absolutely LOVE horror films. I just think they're amazing and yet so very few really can be deemed actually quality horror films. It was just great. I don't quite think it's THE best horror film I've watched in a while though. I guess I'm just never happy, oh well. Later on in the night, I had the option to go to a party or meet a friend who graduated and stuff, but I mean, it was probably a good idea I didn't go to either because of my freaking legs and also I didn't feel very festive either. However, instead of working on something, I spent most of my time on Hulu and pining for somebody to love. I kept on looking at Grindr to maybe see if Danny was around. I'm going to just assume he blocked me, because I really think I blew it and also I want to think that so I can just move on. I hate how neurotic I'm being, though. I always thought I would be so much more laid back. I also paid a visit to OkCupid and searching for someone I might want to get to know. It was a little much really. I shouldn't have done all of that but I just couldn't help it. I wanted something so bad.
         One thing that did happen was a guy messaged me on Grindr most probably looking for a blowjob and although I was in the mood for dick in my mouth lately I took the high ground and told him I wasn't looking for a hookup. I guess I'm kind of proud for still sticking to my guns. I think I scared him away with my whole, I wanna get to know you and talk to you thing going on. Good riddance I guess. Another important thing that happened was that I told my good friend Cyn about my worsening depressing emotions about being alone. I always get uncomfortable telling people about what I'm really feeling and digging down deep into myself, even though I try to convince myself I am an open-minded and open book type of guy. Cyn told me all the things I told myself like how I deserved somebody and I shouldn't be so impatient to find someone and it'll happen one day. However, she told me one thing that really opened my eyes. She told me that I had so much to offer as a person, but that I also deserved to receive so much back. I don't know. That comment hit home more than the others just because I guess I never thought of being deserving of somebody loving me. I don't know. It just left me with some food for thought. One thing that came out of this conversation was how a started to feel in the dumps again, but that conversation with Cyn actually kept me from really falling completely into my rut again. So maybe, all I really needed was somebody to listen. Also, this song I found today really put me in a very poignant and calm mood while I blogged. It's rather nice.

Another entry, another night.

-C.C.