This whole week had me saying goodbye to somebody in my life. Sometimes it was just a sendoff with the knowledge that we would still be close as ever, sometimes it was a drunken salute to old times with the unspoken understanding that life goes on and that we would never see each other again. It just seems so crazy to me how life changes like this. People who are a big part of your life now can sometimes instantly have a smaller part of your life, either due to distance or life changes. One friend is moving to Dallas for good to work at an accounting firm, while another is going to medical school in Dallas. To top that all off, I've been spending time with my cousin who is going to go into a convent way up in Michigan and stay there for the rest of her life more or less. I know I'm mature enough to know life changes and people change along with it but it's just so crazy. Every day I read up on my friends and see them on internships and working at firms and continuing to graduate schools and it's just really mind boggling. These same people are those who I had great times with, acted huge fools with, and saw at their best and worst. At the same time, I'm not really doing anything with my life right now and I'm not making the best decisions for myself to become more mature and all that good business. On top of that, living with the parents right now can sometimes be a downer since they keep on telling me about people who have done so much better than I have and are doing things with their life while I'm not. It does hurt, but I guess my parents are just worried for me. Thanks anyway parents.
This weekend was really amazing actually because I was able to bond with some other people for my camp that I am in that helps kids whose parents have cancer. It's really an under-served demographic and the benefits and experiences I've gotten from it have been amazing. The people are great and we all know we are here to make a difference. It really is something close to my heart. To see those kids who hold such tragedy in their hearts it really is amazing how much the camp actually makes a difference. They laugh and play like any other child and yet they have to deal with the frightening uncertainty of their parent's battle with cancer. The stories of these children can be amazing. One kid was a huge troublemaker. Some people would even say he was a little poo, because he was, and he really didn't treat other kids well either. But at the same time, he was dealing with so many problems like his father being a soldier in Kuwait, his parents being divorced, and it seemed he wasn't getting the discipline or attention he needed. Even though the whole time he was still very much a problem child he did learn to express himself in other ways, like writing down his private thoughts and calming down. I thought that was pretty interesting. Another child had a mother who was terminally ill before he left for camp and he talked about how he knew how his parents were struggling with medical bills and at the same time grasping at straws because they were running out of options. He said how scared he was and I couldn't even imagine how that could feel. I think the most amazing part of camp was this girl who was deaf but had a magical ability to connect with you on an unspoken level. She used to be an orphan but was adopted recently and still felt the fear and uncertainty we all did. The thing was, she could be very difficult too, and with her being deaf, we were very unsure if she would even open up to us. When she did however, she blew us out of the water. She really shared so much of her emotion at that time and that was really amazing. Even after camp, amazing things were unfolding. There was one kid I knew who opened up only very little about his mother's cancer, but when he was alone with his mom, he talked for the first time about how he felt about his mother's illness. For his mother, it was a huge breakthrough. To be a part of something that impacts people so much and does so much for others is something I hope to always do in my life. I think it gives me a better idea how a person can influence others, especially if I want to become a doctor, those experiences taught me how to appreciate people in my life like my parents and let me see inside myself and really asses who I want to be and what I should do.
I also found out stories about the people I was going to camp with too. One counselor lost his mom at thirteen while another lost her mother only a year ago. My own story is that my dad had benign cancer three years ago and I took it rather poorly. It was way too easy for me to forget about it and I did. I don't think I knew how to deal with it, so I didn't and I dived into college head first. Two years ago my grandpa died of kidney cancer and it still feels like he's still here, just away for a vacation or something. It's unreal.
As much as dudes are concerned absolutely nothing is happening. I did talk to one guy about playing Mario Kart with him, so I'll be excited for that. I decided I'm gonna ask out Red for coffee or something. I mean, I know he's a total creeper, but I'm just so starved for some kind of romantic interaction it can't be that bad right? Also, he is supposed to be a good guy in real life so hopefully it'll be alright. I just never expected how much of a wuss I am to actually take one tiny step. Sometimes I think I'm hopeless. Really, I just want to learn how to nut up and just ask someone out so this is a good step right? In other news I am getting along with this guy who is part of that camp I talked about I we get along so well it's uncanny. I mean, given enough time I think we could be very good friends and we could get pretty close. That's really important to me since I don't have those kinds of guy friends right now and that would be amazing. The downside to this is that I think he's really cute. I know he's straight and has a girlfriend and everything, but really, if he also liked dudes that would be a dream come true. Anyway, I'll get over it though and I have no illusions about what will happen so I'm really excited just to see if we can become really good friends. Right now, I am chatting with that Asian kid again and we're being kind of flirty with each other. Fuck Yeaaaah. We're talking about wrestling with each other naked and making out. Just what I needed right now, thank god.
-C.C.
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