To be completely honest, life is treating me rather well. I got into graduate school after much anxiety and worry, I got to hang out with my friends most of the time, and I have just continued to eat myself silly and avoid doing anything productive. On the other hand, I've really done absolutely nothing with the rest of my summer. Sure, summer is officially almost over, but I can't say I regret most of what I've done, even though a large amount of my leisure time has been being a lazy sack of potatoes in my bed on facebook for hours upon hours. Hopefully, I can do a bunch of work in this one week I have left and really finish off the summer in a way I would want. Life has been pretty good to me, and then I have to go ruin it for myself.
I really shouldn't have done it, but then I did, because these things are my kryptonite right now. I just always go back to doing it. My kryptonite being the hours of searching and reading about sappy stories about two guys falling for each other. I mean, the criteria for these stories is pretty general. Two regular guys in a generic work or academic setting spending all this time together and then they find out they like each other, stuff happens, etc, etc, etc. Surprisingly for me Reddit has a small treasure trove or ten of these kind of "real life" stories of these guys shacking up with each other and how they are dealing with their feeling now or something or other. Or whatever.
Something like from this thread
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/lruh7/iama_guy_whose_bromance_has_turned_into_a_gay/
I could literally spend days reading the little walls of text and responses about these stories. Are they real? To me, it doesn't matter. They're real enough for me. I want to believe they are real so badly I really don't care if they are written by a forty something old man in Siberia. I need something to hold on to right now, and if I have to believe in a fairy tale, I will. This stupid god forsaken feeling of wanting to be with someone when you're alone is so familiar these days. It's almost an unsurprising occurrence, like another mundane thought about what I want to do today or what I should eat today. But every time it hurts fresh. Sometimes though, the feeling will go away for long periods of time, as if there was never a problem in the first place, but then I go do something stupid and look up these kinds of stories and all of these feelings get unearthed all over again. Today, my mind just kept of thinking of actually being a couple with another guy doing couple things and I was just not happy. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I have to want these things so badly? Why can't I be happy with my great life right now? Why do people have to love each other like this anyway? Why does this hurt so badly? The only answer I get for now is that being lonely is shitty. I like to convince myself that being alone is not lonely. In fact, it can be liberating and good. I've learned about myself by being alone this long. But being a young, probably completely gay guy isn't treating me so well right now. I guess what makes this worse is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Or rather, it's hard for me to talk to others about this. Opening up completely to a person is just so daunting. Or maybe, I just need to open myself up more? It's whatever, I'll just go to bed. And then implode later.
-C.C.
I really shouldn't have done it, but then I did, because these things are my kryptonite right now. I just always go back to doing it. My kryptonite being the hours of searching and reading about sappy stories about two guys falling for each other. I mean, the criteria for these stories is pretty general. Two regular guys in a generic work or academic setting spending all this time together and then they find out they like each other, stuff happens, etc, etc, etc. Surprisingly for me Reddit has a small treasure trove or ten of these kind of "real life" stories of these guys shacking up with each other and how they are dealing with their feeling now or something or other. Or whatever.
Something like from this thread
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/lruh7/iama_guy_whose_bromance_has_turned_into_a_gay/
I could literally spend days reading the little walls of text and responses about these stories. Are they real? To me, it doesn't matter. They're real enough for me. I want to believe they are real so badly I really don't care if they are written by a forty something old man in Siberia. I need something to hold on to right now, and if I have to believe in a fairy tale, I will. This stupid god forsaken feeling of wanting to be with someone when you're alone is so familiar these days. It's almost an unsurprising occurrence, like another mundane thought about what I want to do today or what I should eat today. But every time it hurts fresh. Sometimes though, the feeling will go away for long periods of time, as if there was never a problem in the first place, but then I go do something stupid and look up these kinds of stories and all of these feelings get unearthed all over again. Today, my mind just kept of thinking of actually being a couple with another guy doing couple things and I was just not happy. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I have to want these things so badly? Why can't I be happy with my great life right now? Why do people have to love each other like this anyway? Why does this hurt so badly? The only answer I get for now is that being lonely is shitty. I like to convince myself that being alone is not lonely. In fact, it can be liberating and good. I've learned about myself by being alone this long. But being a young, probably completely gay guy isn't treating me so well right now. I guess what makes this worse is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Or rather, it's hard for me to talk to others about this. Opening up completely to a person is just so daunting. Or maybe, I just need to open myself up more? It's whatever, I'll just go to bed. And then implode later.
-C.C.
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