Losing Focus

        I really am losing focus. On life, on my goals, what I really want, and what I have to do. I'm just not good at meeting deadlines and doing things. On another note, I thought I was okay in the whole being alone department, but unfortunately it doesn't take much to lose focus in that too. But I just have to remember everything that I've learned from these past few weeks and years being myself. I have to meet my responsibilities and do it for the right reasons. In short, in the words of a wise man, life is full of bull and I have to man up to meet those challenges in life. I have to appreciate myself and it is actually kind of hard to do that.
       Today was really unproductive as Saturdays are want to be. I did go to an interview for a counselor position today. It was for Camp Kesem, which is an amazing and wonderful organization helping kids whose parents have cancer. Absolutely wonderful. I have had amazing experiences with the camp and the people in it and I'm really excited to continue that journey. One thing that I realized that I more than ever need to man up and really carry myself with more self-respect. I don't know, I always really carry myself in a very loud, energetic and kind of frivolous manner when I'm with friends. It makes for a really good time with friends, but in all honesty as an adult man I have to get it under control. I wanted to do the teen camp portion of camp, but it seems I won't be considered maybe because I might not be such a good fit for older teens when I'm so seemingly much better with younger kids. However, I just know I could be a great teen camp counselor. Just really make it happen. I know inside I want to take that next step than working with the smaller kids, although it was actually a wonderful experience. In addition, I applied for a fundraiser postion too, although I probably won't get that either. The reason for that being I'm not qualified. But in a sense realizing all of that motivated me a bit to really strive to do something more than I already have. To be honest, I think it's time for an overdue change in myself. A change that doesn't need to happen all at once but it needs to happen soon. On another note, a friend told me that just six months ago I was drastically different from the person I am now. Interesting. I guess this is what they call growing up.

-C.C.

Overcommitted

          That's my problem. All the time. It's almost four in the morning and I really have a problem. I stayed up until three last morning not getting anything done and then skipped a class today. I then went to the rest of my classes just knowing that I had a bunch of things on my mind I still haven't accomplished. I have a test on tuesday, some planning I need to do, my applications to finish, and homework I need to take care of and all of this. Today all I really did was just go around applying for more things to do when I clearly can't even handle the things that are on my plate now. It seemed like such a good idea at the time but things can come crashing down really soon if I'm not careful and prudent about my actions for the next two days. Today was another lesson in over committing since I had the chance to go to this amazing broomball social but I didn't because I thought I could handle going and visiting a friend's place first. I did hang out with my friend who I had so much fun with but I missed broomball, which was kind supposed to be the highlight of my week. I really wish I was there. I guess that's just another lesson I have to learn the hard way. I do this to myself way too often and I have to learn that I just can't deal with it. Yikes.

-C.C.

Lunch with Mick and other things

          Wednesday was pretty laid back in that I didn't get anything done. I mean, I went to a few organizational meetings to see what was up and spent some part of the day marginally studying for classes, but beyond that, I just can't believe that I didn't get as much as I wanted done. It was discouraging. However, one very interesting development occurred that day. I had lunch with a friend I hadn't really talked to in around a year or so. I'll name him Mick. We had known each other for most of college and had lunch quite a few times but we never really went beyond that kind of casual relationship. I bumped into him a day or two ago and then we decided we would have lunch on Wednesday. To me he seems rather successful since he's going off to law school and is busy with this well-known Christian men's organization. He's done stuff with his life and I'm sure he will continue on that path. Sometimes we really click, and sometimes, conversation is kind of painful with him. Partly because I feel he can tell when I squeeze in filler topics with no substance due to my discomfort at lulls in conversation. Partly also because we don't have that much in common? I suppose it might just be me. In any case, we had a pretty decent conversation that day. It went well. One thing that was different about all our other encounters was when he brought up God in the conversation. I knew he was a respectably strong Christian before, but it seems he has really grown and matured and advanced in his faith. He decided to ask me about how I felt about God. I feel a little ashamed to say that I actually felt somewhat uncomfortable. I don't know. I guess that religion is something that I consider somewhat private. This is kind of contrary to what many people at my school do since I know quite a few people very open and communicative with their faith. Such a thing doesn't bother me, but I prefer to keep to myself. Maybe it's because I haven't had many experiences that have asked me to share and discuss it. So when I answered him, I told him honestly I do hold a relationship with God important, but that my stance with the church and the theology was more vague and shaky. When I asked him the same question, he gave me a somewhat personal answer that I thought was interesting. Like how realized he didn't really understand what God meant to him, how he thought that what he was doing as a "righteous" person was enough and how he would observe people seemingly partaking in sin and feel better than them in some way. But reform his perceptions a bit and was in a different place. After this exchange, he told me he wanted to keep on discussing these kinds of things with me and really get to something deeper. The conversation eventually trickled down to more superficial topics that I brought up to ease the lull and eventually we parted ways. For me, this an interesting conversation. I guess I was looking for something deeper these days. At the same time I was thinking of exploring my faith a bit more. Both of those things I put on my to do list and went on with my life. So perhaps, thinking about all this, I'll take his bait and try to get deeper with him. See where it takes me. Perhaps this will help me develop as a person. Perhaps it will become a bit awkward, but we'll see. I guess my Wednesdays will be a bit more interesting.
          On the following day I also got diddly squat done today academically. I had a quiz today that I completely bombed even though I thought I studied adequately. It put me in a somewhat peeved mood. I actually couldn't go back to studying so I went to work out instead. It really didn't improve until I finished class for the day. I later I may have wasted the day away instead of being productive. I mean, it was pretty fun with an intramural soccer match and a trip to an ice cream place and a cozy little burger place thirty minutes away from town, but really I had so much to do today I don't understand how I could still be so negligent. I guess I am in for a long night? It was kind of worth it. I did have fun. So, no procrasturbating for me tonight. Hopefully. Weeeeell, not for long perhaps. Maybe. I don't know. I'll keep an open mind. That's more like it. Weird how I talk seriously about developing myself and such one minute then joke about procrasturbating the next. I'm a real mess.

-C.C.

Oh hello Again

       How ironic that after a post talking about being delinquent about not blogging every day I do it for two days in a row. That's pretty ridiculous. However, life has just been so busy for the past few days but only because I don't manage my time well. I studied a great deal on Sunday for my Monday test which I went twenty minutes late to. It was a disaster. Then I spent all of the day in class tired and only narrowly squeezing in lunch and other obligations. I then went to meetings all evening and then was pronounced unconscious later on that night. It was pretty terrible. I really just got the bare minimum done and that was it but dear lord was I just absolutely drained.
       Today I woke up reasonably refreshed. Many things happened today but the most significant thing was when I went to Bi Like Me's blog to read up on the entries. For a good few days I was just very depressed on being alone and just a mix of everything really. Reading Frat Star Friday's posts helped me to the point where I just rebounded back. I learned so much today about myself and everything. I wish I could explain but it's three thirty in the GOD DAYUM morning here. I hate how I just don't manage time well.

-C.C.