Decisions

         Today wasn't too stressful or busy really. The only productive things I really did was shave my pubes and finish all of my homework. I woke up in a panic trying to do my homework for physical chemistry that I didn't finish yet and even though I couldn't finish everything, I still answered all of the problems thanks to some friends in the class. On the down side, I'm quickly discovering what an awful professor I have for this class. He is very particular and picky, and I could ignore any of his character flaws if he actually taught us and solved equations. Instead he essentially wrote down definitions we could find in our books and then ended class. That was it. It was awful. Every minute I became angrier and angrier at him. And to add on to my dismal prospects was a random conversation with a guy in the class a year before telling me absolutely horrifying things like how many people got D's and you have to work hard to get a C and questions pulled out of the professor's ass. It scares me. I may have only known this guy two weeks but already I absolutely despise him. I'm a pretty reasonable guy I'd like to think but this is too much. On the plus side shaving my pubes made me feel oddly good about myself. Also, I love messing around with my junk in general so that was probably a reason. But unfortunately I cut them too short and now they're all spikey and weird feeling. haha, oh well.
        After class, all I did was sit in front of my computer and de-stress. It was a very stressful and busy week, I will say. Sure I could've gone and played soccer with some friends or just gone outside for a bit, but I was really tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, vegetate, and be alone for a while. And it so happened that a while meant I dunno...eight hours??? Scary, but just this once I'm not terribly upset. One thing that was really notable today was how I decided not to apply as a counselor for camp today. It's a big deal at my school and so many people do it. I did it one year and it was probably the best year I ever had socially. I feel like I can credit a good half of my good college memories to that experience. I loved it and it meant so much to me. The next year and the year after that I applied again, only to be rejected. It broke my heart a dozen times over. Every time I saw someone or something in camp I cried inside a little. I'm not being sarcastic because it meant that much to me. Those experiences with the group of people I met at that time changed my perspective on how I view myself and how I view others as well as my self-esteem and confidence. So now, here I am, the last year I can probably apply and I only had three hours to finish it. I felt like I knew all of the pitfalls to making a bad application and now this year would be the year I would go to camp again. The thing was...it just didn't feel right anymore. I didn't feel like I really belonged anymore. I don't know. I'm the type of person who doesn't let the past go too well and I dwell on what if's and past memories to the point I think it may be unhealthy. I clung to those wonderful memories as a freshman for so long I forgot to appreciate my present. The thing was, I felt like I wasn't moving on for the longest time, until today. I just decided to stop myself from this loop and really concentrate what is really important which was my grades and my future and the people I really want to spend my time with right now. I feel like I'm finally moving away from that one stage in my life. I wish I could convey how important this really is to me in words but it is. And really, I think I've made a good decision. I maybe have gotten into camp again and relived those amazing memories, but...it's time I focused on myself, instead of the past.
        Also, fyi, I can't get stupid Red out of my head. I keep on fantasizing about swapping blowjobs with him and wondering if he finds me attractive. I hate how some boy I know under sketchy circumstances can get under my skin so much. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm an easily excitable virgin boy. le sigh.

-C.C.