The reality of life is coming a mile a minute and I really just am a little overwhelmed how much it going to happen in the next few months. I'm officially going to Europe in the summer! Backpacking with a friend going to Italy and Spain is going to be CRAZY! I'm excited...but scared at the same time. I'm really scared actually...but the spirit of adventure hopefully will keep me afloat. Actually...I don't have any money really to go to Europe so that's a huge problem haha. Also, we still haven't quite finished planning the trip so really we have to get things going. In addition, I'm graduating in a little over a month which is even crazier. To top that off, many of my friends will have left college by the end of the year and I may never see them again. However, sometimes, I'm glad I have such demanding schoolwork to distract me from graduation since it really helps keep me focused sometimes. Unfortunately I also have a twenty five to thirty page paper that I have to write by the end of the semester or else I don't graduate. I was shaking the moment I found out. I'm so busy and stressed I've been up until four in the morning every day just stressing out and trying to do everything I can. My sleep schedule is messed up beyond belief so that only exacerbates my problems.
In general, life has been pretty chill and relaxed so far. In truth it's been a good peaceful lull before the storm. However, I'm getting ready hopefully. I have a bunch of extracurricular activities but I think I can manage. I could list out all the things I've been doing like reuniting with my mentor who is a strong friend of mine but lives in Iowa, painting myself blue for various social purposes, having a chill barbecue with friends with smores, even though I had to do all the cooking, etc, but really I am much too long winded to go into detail with that. I guess what has been most interesting is that I still pine over guys like it ain't no thing, but at the same time I've been fostering some odd feeling for a girl who I find absolutely gorgeous. I mean, she is pretty but just both her personality and overall way she comes off to people is gorgeous. She's kind of an old soul, and that really impresses on me. I don't know where these heterosexual feelings come from, but I really do like her. I get nervous around her, I act a little more awkward, and I feel better when she's around. Weird. I could consider being in a serious relationship with her. Of course, then I can come home and jack off twice to gay porn like I'm the biggest fan of penis to ever grace the earth. Which I did pretty much for a few days now. Even stranger, sometimes, I'll be doing that, and I'll stop finding what I'm watching attractive and lose my hard on because I'll think, "Whoa...these are dudes...doing each other..." It's so odd. In other odd news, there's this friend who I don't find especially attractive, but he did a surprise piggy back ride on me and his cologne rubbed off on me and even hours later it's still on me and for some reason I'm really digging his scent. By that I mean I keep on trying to smell it on my shirt and it gets me going. I don't know how I feel about this. But that's okay, I'll just throw myself into my thirty page paper and forget it all. Or go crazy, I don't know if that's really such a bad option.
P.S.
I saw this on postsecret today, and this made me feel a little sad. Sometimes I feel like this, although truthfully I have stopped feeling like this lately which makes me happy I'm getting better. I feel like I just have better self-confidence these days and it makes me really happy thinking about it. Not that I don't still feel lonely, though. It just that, why can't we all find unconditional love more than some superficial standard of good looks and a rocking bod? Anyway, I know that feel, bro.
-C.C.
