Today was rather busy, however, they weren't too concerning I suppose. I mean, I spent quite a bit of my time on one homework only to find out I didn't really understand the question and that I really just answered pretty poorly. I then kind of went through most of my other classes trying to keep up some kind of work ethic. I was kind of more serious today trying to focus on academics and trying my best to do well in classes. (Too bad I found out I made a zero on a quiz in one class...it'll be dropped but dear lord...). Nothing was too overwhelming today, but in some terrible moment a cascade of emotion just bore down on me. It kind of felt like a waterfall in a way just overwhelming me. I was kind of close to tears and the lecture I was listening to was immediately fazed out. I just started thinking about how Red was dating somebody and I was just thinking what a lucky bastard he was. I started to feel incredibly depressed nothing of which having to do with Red really but more having to do with having another "I'm going to be alone forever" episode. The thing was...it was much more intense and powerful than I ever remembered it being before. I tried to concentrate in my class but the emotion just wouldn't go away and in the effort to try and focus in the midst of this swirl of sudden emotion actually started to nurture a growing headache. It was almost scary. Truthfully, I think I need help or something, because I'm literally being torn apart by my emotions. I know the problem is most probably this ever growing void of loneliness inside of me, but I thought for the longest time I could handle it. I feel a little pathetic though. It's as if a part of me is telling me somehow that I need a man to be happy in life, but I DON'T want my life to be that way. Why do I want to be with someone so badly? Why does being alone have to hurt me this much??? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know what to do really...I just don't feel good right now.
-C.C.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
That was Weird
Today was pretty uneventful too, although honestly a bit less so than yesterday. Honestly, I was in this ridiculously odd funk for a good amount of the day. I don't know why but I went into this mood that everyone I spent time with didn't have a point since we would all part anyway and other such thoughts that really made me feel as if I was alone against the world and such. All I felt like doing was doing my work well and moving on with my life. I'm sure that I would have come out of it eventually, but just a little while ago I was jolted out of my weird funk. I found out that Red is dating somebody now. After that all of a sudden didn't feel down in the dumps so much anymore. It was the strangest thing. I did feel a sense of loss like I missed out on him as an opportunity I guess, which made me feel ridiculous, but at the same time I felt kind of free? I don't understand it. I guess since he'd been occupying my thoughts every so often it was good for me to find an excuse to let him go? I guess, but now I feel just more energized. So, although I guess I missed out an a guy who wanted to hook up with me, I guess that means I'll just have to really get out there now. No quick blowjob swapping for me yet I guess hahaha. I suppose subconsciously since he was an option in the back of my mind I just stopped trying to get myself out there? Maybe. I'm a strange one.
On another note, I was dutifully procrastinating on life when my roommate next door starts this crying, shouting match with her boyfriend she was skyping that made me feel reeeeeaaaaalllly awkward. It was even more awkward because I was trying to spank the monkey and all. Doesn't that just beat all? Well, there we go.
-C.C.
On another note, I was dutifully procrastinating on life when my roommate next door starts this crying, shouting match with her boyfriend she was skyping that made me feel reeeeeaaaaalllly awkward. It was even more awkward because I was trying to spank the monkey and all. Doesn't that just beat all? Well, there we go.
-C.C.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Getting Serious?
Absolutely nothing happened today. I woke up somewhat early to my parents calling me and telling me they were checking up on me and saying they were going to celebrate the last of Chinese New Year without me. This included going to a new year festival and eating awesome Chinese food. Damn this predominantly white college town!!! It's literally whitey mcgee town here. On the plus side, there is never a shortage of attractive Texan white boys to ogle at. For that I'm somewhat grateful.
Also, I had a whole mindset to be very productive this whole day but instead stayed on Youtube for a good four or five hours and watched cartoon shows from my childhood. Dear lord. I did go out to meet an old friend and then did chores around my place to resemble being somewhat productive. What was weird was that today I felt somewhat lackluster borderlining on gloomy today as well. I'm not sure why. It completely annihilated my drive to work out though. I'm a mess. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.
One more thing, a few days ago, I had this graphic dream about one of my anti-social roomates. He's an odd fellow who I am sometimes convinced is playing for the other team due to his mannerisms and voice and such, but other times I just can't tell. He also hates the light, is pretty nerdy, and social situations make him hyperventilate. Like I said, rather odd. I do know that he is kind of buff though so I guess that's a plus. However, we've been getting along talking about all the nerdy stuff I actually am quite fond of. Anyway, in my dream I totally was in a situation where he found out I liked dudes and tried to hook up with me in a rather threatening way. He never actually physically accosted me but during most of the dream he kept on pressuring me for sex and towards the end of the dream somehow he got us both on the bed and was in his undies with my face in front of his crotch. He then took out his junk and hit my face with it. Instead of being turned on in some masochistic way I was really offended and turned off. When I finally saw him later on in the day I just felt a bit awkward. Interesting no? But definitely weird.
-C.C.
Also, I had a whole mindset to be very productive this whole day but instead stayed on Youtube for a good four or five hours and watched cartoon shows from my childhood. Dear lord. I did go out to meet an old friend and then did chores around my place to resemble being somewhat productive. What was weird was that today I felt somewhat lackluster borderlining on gloomy today as well. I'm not sure why. It completely annihilated my drive to work out though. I'm a mess. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.
One more thing, a few days ago, I had this graphic dream about one of my anti-social roomates. He's an odd fellow who I am sometimes convinced is playing for the other team due to his mannerisms and voice and such, but other times I just can't tell. He also hates the light, is pretty nerdy, and social situations make him hyperventilate. Like I said, rather odd. I do know that he is kind of buff though so I guess that's a plus. However, we've been getting along talking about all the nerdy stuff I actually am quite fond of. Anyway, in my dream I totally was in a situation where he found out I liked dudes and tried to hook up with me in a rather threatening way. He never actually physically accosted me but during most of the dream he kept on pressuring me for sex and towards the end of the dream somehow he got us both on the bed and was in his undies with my face in front of his crotch. He then took out his junk and hit my face with it. Instead of being turned on in some masochistic way I was really offended and turned off. When I finally saw him later on in the day I just felt a bit awkward. Interesting no? But definitely weird.
-C.C.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Decisions
Today wasn't too stressful or busy really. The only productive things I really did was shave my pubes and finish all of my homework. I woke up in a panic trying to do my homework for physical chemistry that I didn't finish yet and even though I couldn't finish everything, I still answered all of the problems thanks to some friends in the class. On the down side, I'm quickly discovering what an awful professor I have for this class. He is very particular and picky, and I could ignore any of his character flaws if he actually taught us and solved equations. Instead he essentially wrote down definitions we could find in our books and then ended class. That was it. It was awful. Every minute I became angrier and angrier at him. And to add on to my dismal prospects was a random conversation with a guy in the class a year before telling me absolutely horrifying things like how many people got D's and you have to work hard to get a C and questions pulled out of the professor's ass. It scares me. I may have only known this guy two weeks but already I absolutely despise him. I'm a pretty reasonable guy I'd like to think but this is too much. On the plus side shaving my pubes made me feel oddly good about myself. Also, I love messing around with my junk in general so that was probably a reason. But unfortunately I cut them too short and now they're all spikey and weird feeling. haha, oh well.
After class, all I did was sit in front of my computer and de-stress. It was a very stressful and busy week, I will say. Sure I could've gone and played soccer with some friends or just gone outside for a bit, but I was really tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, vegetate, and be alone for a while. And it so happened that a while meant I dunno...eight hours??? Scary, but just this once I'm not terribly upset. One thing that was really notable today was how I decided not to apply as a counselor for camp today. It's a big deal at my school and so many people do it. I did it one year and it was probably the best year I ever had socially. I feel like I can credit a good half of my good college memories to that experience. I loved it and it meant so much to me. The next year and the year after that I applied again, only to be rejected. It broke my heart a dozen times over. Every time I saw someone or something in camp I cried inside a little. I'm not being sarcastic because it meant that much to me. Those experiences with the group of people I met at that time changed my perspective on how I view myself and how I view others as well as my self-esteem and confidence. So now, here I am, the last year I can probably apply and I only had three hours to finish it. I felt like I knew all of the pitfalls to making a bad application and now this year would be the year I would go to camp again. The thing was...it just didn't feel right anymore. I didn't feel like I really belonged anymore. I don't know. I'm the type of person who doesn't let the past go too well and I dwell on what if's and past memories to the point I think it may be unhealthy. I clung to those wonderful memories as a freshman for so long I forgot to appreciate my present. The thing was, I felt like I wasn't moving on for the longest time, until today. I just decided to stop myself from this loop and really concentrate what is really important which was my grades and my future and the people I really want to spend my time with right now. I feel like I'm finally moving away from that one stage in my life. I wish I could convey how important this really is to me in words but it is. And really, I think I've made a good decision. I maybe have gotten into camp again and relived those amazing memories, but...it's time I focused on myself, instead of the past.
Also, fyi, I can't get stupid Red out of my head. I keep on fantasizing about swapping blowjobs with him and wondering if he finds me attractive. I hate how some boy I know under sketchy circumstances can get under my skin so much. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm an easily excitable virgin boy. le sigh.
-C.C.
After class, all I did was sit in front of my computer and de-stress. It was a very stressful and busy week, I will say. Sure I could've gone and played soccer with some friends or just gone outside for a bit, but I was really tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, vegetate, and be alone for a while. And it so happened that a while meant I dunno...eight hours??? Scary, but just this once I'm not terribly upset. One thing that was really notable today was how I decided not to apply as a counselor for camp today. It's a big deal at my school and so many people do it. I did it one year and it was probably the best year I ever had socially. I feel like I can credit a good half of my good college memories to that experience. I loved it and it meant so much to me. The next year and the year after that I applied again, only to be rejected. It broke my heart a dozen times over. Every time I saw someone or something in camp I cried inside a little. I'm not being sarcastic because it meant that much to me. Those experiences with the group of people I met at that time changed my perspective on how I view myself and how I view others as well as my self-esteem and confidence. So now, here I am, the last year I can probably apply and I only had three hours to finish it. I felt like I knew all of the pitfalls to making a bad application and now this year would be the year I would go to camp again. The thing was...it just didn't feel right anymore. I didn't feel like I really belonged anymore. I don't know. I'm the type of person who doesn't let the past go too well and I dwell on what if's and past memories to the point I think it may be unhealthy. I clung to those wonderful memories as a freshman for so long I forgot to appreciate my present. The thing was, I felt like I wasn't moving on for the longest time, until today. I just decided to stop myself from this loop and really concentrate what is really important which was my grades and my future and the people I really want to spend my time with right now. I feel like I'm finally moving away from that one stage in my life. I wish I could convey how important this really is to me in words but it is. And really, I think I've made a good decision. I maybe have gotten into camp again and relived those amazing memories, but...it's time I focused on myself, instead of the past.
Also, fyi, I can't get stupid Red out of my head. I keep on fantasizing about swapping blowjobs with him and wondering if he finds me attractive. I hate how some boy I know under sketchy circumstances can get under my skin so much. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm an easily excitable virgin boy. le sigh.
-C.C.
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