Decisions

         Today wasn't too stressful or busy really. The only productive things I really did was shave my pubes and finish all of my homework. I woke up in a panic trying to do my homework for physical chemistry that I didn't finish yet and even though I couldn't finish everything, I still answered all of the problems thanks to some friends in the class. On the down side, I'm quickly discovering what an awful professor I have for this class. He is very particular and picky, and I could ignore any of his character flaws if he actually taught us and solved equations. Instead he essentially wrote down definitions we could find in our books and then ended class. That was it. It was awful. Every minute I became angrier and angrier at him. And to add on to my dismal prospects was a random conversation with a guy in the class a year before telling me absolutely horrifying things like how many people got D's and you have to work hard to get a C and questions pulled out of the professor's ass. It scares me. I may have only known this guy two weeks but already I absolutely despise him. I'm a pretty reasonable guy I'd like to think but this is too much. On the plus side shaving my pubes made me feel oddly good about myself. Also, I love messing around with my junk in general so that was probably a reason. But unfortunately I cut them too short and now they're all spikey and weird feeling. haha, oh well.
        After class, all I did was sit in front of my computer and de-stress. It was a very stressful and busy week, I will say. Sure I could've gone and played soccer with some friends or just gone outside for a bit, but I was really tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, vegetate, and be alone for a while. And it so happened that a while meant I dunno...eight hours??? Scary, but just this once I'm not terribly upset. One thing that was really notable today was how I decided not to apply as a counselor for camp today. It's a big deal at my school and so many people do it. I did it one year and it was probably the best year I ever had socially. I feel like I can credit a good half of my good college memories to that experience. I loved it and it meant so much to me. The next year and the year after that I applied again, only to be rejected. It broke my heart a dozen times over. Every time I saw someone or something in camp I cried inside a little. I'm not being sarcastic because it meant that much to me. Those experiences with the group of people I met at that time changed my perspective on how I view myself and how I view others as well as my self-esteem and confidence. So now, here I am, the last year I can probably apply and I only had three hours to finish it. I felt like I knew all of the pitfalls to making a bad application and now this year would be the year I would go to camp again. The thing was...it just didn't feel right anymore. I didn't feel like I really belonged anymore. I don't know. I'm the type of person who doesn't let the past go too well and I dwell on what if's and past memories to the point I think it may be unhealthy. I clung to those wonderful memories as a freshman for so long I forgot to appreciate my present. The thing was, I felt like I wasn't moving on for the longest time, until today. I just decided to stop myself from this loop and really concentrate what is really important which was my grades and my future and the people I really want to spend my time with right now. I feel like I'm finally moving away from that one stage in my life. I wish I could convey how important this really is to me in words but it is. And really, I think I've made a good decision. I maybe have gotten into camp again and relived those amazing memories, but...it's time I focused on myself, instead of the past.
        Also, fyi, I can't get stupid Red out of my head. I keep on fantasizing about swapping blowjobs with him and wondering if he finds me attractive. I hate how some boy I know under sketchy circumstances can get under my skin so much. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm an easily excitable virgin boy. le sigh.

-C.C.

This Semester....

     I can't believe it is only the second week of school and I've been swamped with so much to do. And of course to top it all off I've been trying to frantically somehow do the rest of my Physical chemistry homework that will be due every friday. Just impossible.
     Today was so busy. It wasn't really so much a good day or bad day as a day where I've just been all over the place. On a lighter note, I spent quite a while with some people and eating some good food. The Chinese New Year Celebration at my school happened to be surprisingly entertaining. Then I rushed off to a little diner off the outskirts of town to hang out with some other people and take in some heart choking diner food. Afterwards it was back to this awful homework. In any case, I'll need to get back to the salt mines. But before that, I'll put in this very hilarious video about two gay guys cruising grindr while drunk. I love it, but then there was this suck comment about not being into asian guys that made me a little down in some of the other videos. I don't know. Maybe it's because I've never actually gotten out there before but my self-esteem when it comes to being found desirable to pretty low. Sometimes I wrestle with these feelings and they all too easily bring me down so very quickly. And if someone were to find me attractive it would honestly confuse me. But in any case, grindr makes me nervous for a number of reasons any way.

-C.C.

Oh God...

     As wonderful as my bout of non-productivity was last night, it all too quickly turned into a chaotic realization that I still have an overwhelming amount of things to do. Oh dear lord. I think I'm going to need to pull a heavy almost all nighter with this one. I just need to finish all this stuff if I really want to do the things I have to do. Oh god. Also, I have small anxiety burst in my head that tire and short circuit me sometimes. I also had a whole afternoon to do all of the things I needed to do but I still didn't really succeed. I did one or two things, but really I could have done so much more. I am so terribly good at squandering my time it's terrifying.
    On a brighter note, I went to be productive at a coffee shop today and met an old friend that I decided to sit down and study with him. I'll call him Eddy. Well, he's not really that old since he graduated college only one year ago but we've been on good terms even though we don't really meet up and hang out. He's an openly gay guy but just very an unassuming and very normal guy. He actually came out last year so it was somewhat of a big deal for him. I far as I know though everything went well and not much really happened to him. He's a little geeky by the way but that's the way he likes to be. I actually almost forgot how good looking he was. I mean, he's more cute guy next door attractive than Adonis hunk kind of attractive but really, what does it matter? Attractive is attractive. Anyway, that important thing is we have always gotten along well and he is just a nice guy. Now that I'm thinking of really opening up my sexuality more I kept on playing in my head the scenario of maybe going for him. Perhaps hanging out with him more and even starting to try and date him one of these days? It was all very compelling to think about as we talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. It was nice and it leaves me a little confused on where to go from here kind of. However, I got pretty much nothing done after three hours of that and on top of that I still have so much to do. I guess I'll have to worry about Eddy AFTER I get my life together. Also, I sound like a teenage schoolgirl talking about all these ridiculous little crushes and what if's. It's kind of annoying. Mah bad.

-C.C.

Some New Thoughts

            Today was a relatively good day. Except I had a huge fail in effort when it came to a somewhat important assignment making up thirty percent of my grade. Oh dear. It had something to do with having a whole week to do the thing but not doing it, getting distracted at every turn, getting extremely stressed, procrasturbating (masturbating procrastination), and then staying up all night trying to finish it but never actually succeeding. Long story short I whittled down available time to do my work in only three hours. That was a real adrenaline rush I gotta say. I got it done and slapped everything together. Crazy. Too bad it just put a spotlight on a terrible anxiety and responsibility problem I seem to continue to wrestle with. Well, you win some you lose some.
            A great deal of things went well today to be quite honest. I turned in everything on time, and hung out with a friend, and then later went on a cooking spree making a bunch of things for myself. I made ground beef tacos with guacamole and pico and then decided to make some tabouli just because I needed to. I swear, when I sat down to eat I had a whole layout in front of me. It made the fat child inside of me squeal a little. Granted, I took my sweet time making and eating and then cleaning up everything though. I just really wanted to do nothing for the whole night even though I still can't afford it. I started at seven and then all of a sudden I've finally finished everything at eleven in the evening. Pretty worth it. In other news, it's kind of odd but I'm starting to get along with my anti-social roomates. How odd. This includes the one that made me cry that one time. I find them positively quirky instead of negatively off-putting.
            Besides everything else, I've been wanting to become quite a bit more mature and reserved. However, not just those two qualities but hoping that I can start to discover what it means to be a man. I don't really know what it means but I do want to find it. I feel like I just need to really embrace a more masculine version of myself instead of the more frivolous and childish personality that I usually characterize my behavior as. The thing is when I interact with my friends it is so easy to fall back on acting like that because that is still part of my personality and also because I've acted that way for so long with those friends that everyone, including myself just expects it. That is the social niche I fit into now and it's increasingly becoming a role that I'm growing old of. Lastly, I was reading Bi Like Me a little while ago and this time the posts really spoke to me. Mostly because of one of the authors, Frat Star. It's a real comfort to read what he says about being a regular guy who is newly out to the world. I always knew I was never alone because of all the blogs I've read over the years, but his entries really speak to me. They're different. At least this time, I'm convinced I'll truly try harder to really come out in my own way. Little by little is what I'm going to do, but now I am much more emboldened. Better than the absolutely nothing I've been working with so far. In any case, a look back at my writing indicates I don't think everything seems to make sense in words, but in my head it's crystal clear. But then again, I'm tired again and it's late. Maybe I'll actually get something done this time tomorrow?

-C.C.