The night before, I had a flurry of different dreams. I remember having quite a few, but only one really stuck. It was about my first real crush. I'll just call him Ray from now on. I find a bunch of guys attractive, but I say he's my only crush because he was the only one I let myself totally fall head over heels for. I mean, I would get into these moods just thinking about him. It was intense. After I finally got over him, I told myself I would never let myself do that again. It's just that I don't think my heart could take having a gay crush when I know it would never happen. I've kept my heart pretty well guarded since then, partly due to a realism that has been slowly souring me when it comes to love and partly due to a painful shyness that makes me terribly afraid to get hurt. Every so often, I consider living alone and sometimes it seems like a reality. But really, I'm still in college so really I guess I have a few years ahead of me before I start prematurely making those assumptions about my life I guess, haha.
Anyway, in my dream, we were in a huge college classroom and my crush notices me from across the room. After class, I walk up to him and he gives me a great big smile and talks to me for a bit. He makes a kinda stupid reason for us to see each other later and the dream ends. Pretty anti-climactic. However, things like these would at one point in life drive me crazy and now don't faze me at all. I actually was surprised and even a bit annoyed at him for his stupid excuse in the dream. It's funny because in real life Ray was always really aloof and silent with me sometimes. Other times he'd give me a sort of Cheshire cat smile or give me a blank stare whenever I said something stupid, which was somewhat often. I think we were friends in high school...I think. He would sit next to me in class and on the bus but he'd contribute somewhat minimally to conversation and his stare/smile would make me feel really awkward. So awkward that I'd chatter incessantly to make up for his lack of contribution. Really, we were an odd pair. But still, he wouldn't fail to drive me absolutely crazy each time, as crushes are want to do. It's actually very funny to think about now, because I've grown up and moved on. When I had the dream I was actually happy to find out I really didn't have many residual feelings left associated with him. But, I wonder, when will I have those feeling again? And if I do will I let myself fall off the deep end again?
What is a bit weird is that I've been considering maybe trying something with Red. I don't know...up front on let's say facebook and on his profiles here and things pop up that seem to show that he's a really decent guy. I mean, that's really the point but...if there was a decent guy like that somewhere there in him...I be really attracted to the idea of getting to know the part of him. I could be terribly wrong, but the stupid hopeless romantic in me wants to take that chance. Anyway, a part of me kinda thinks we won't even get along that well so oh well haha.
In other news I finally woke up early and shadowed a doctor to get myself back into a medical setting after all this time. I then sneaked into a nearby medical school to tour it and see myself as a medical student walking the halls. Most of the day I was trying to remind myself whether I wanted to be a doctor. Unfortunately, I seemed to have mixed results. There was a sort of excitement of being in a medical setting again, but at the same time, the amount of work and stress associated with this life still deters me. I don't really know what to do with this knowledge now. I'm at a crossroads between making money right away and having reasonable time to myself, or being paid next to nothing and being stressed for years until it all finally pays off. For now I'm still pursuing medical school but....we'll see.
But tonight was great with my suits done with tailoring and finally in my possession and an amazing lobster dinner at a French restaurant with the family. Fantastic.
-C.C.
p.s. I've discovered the newest Jersey Shore cast member, the Unit. Now, I'm not a fan at all but I do love how fit how some of the guys are at least. However, I dunno, this guy the Unit is one of the few guys I've seen who have abs and all, but I still find really unappealing. Yuck. It's probably the guido part. Or maybe "The Unit" tattoo.
ew.
