Ruh-Roh, 2012

Whoa, I've been gone for a while, but that's okay because I've ditched this blog for a whole year and a half once and so by all accounts this is totally fine haha. In any case, I have a just a small feeling that this year is going to be a good year. I'm not sure what that means, but I think that is all I really need. Things are gonna great and I'm going to MAKE them great. Somehow. So, to kick things off, I think I'm going to start blogging every day this year! Let's DO IT.

The first day of the new year I slept SUPER late since I celebrated with the family and woke up late like the lazy kinda guy I am. However, I quickly made up for it by being extremely productive doing some spring cleaning and really just helping my parents work around the house and tidying things up. I'm extremely tired but at the same time this was a great way to spend the new year and I feel just GREAT. Let's see what else is in store this year.

-C.C.

Do...I do it?

Like I said before...there's this guy...and we met each other a long time ago and never much else than a polite conversation every so often. So, until a series of events happened where I told him I was into guys, he's been every so often messaging me to do stuff with him. I guess like once a week now that I think about it. And when I say stuff I mean he wants my ass from the way he's been talking to me. It just bothers me. I want something more than that but when he propositions me I can't just tell him off. I'll think back on it and want it, no matter what morals or whatever rationalizations I come up with. I'm pretty sure I'll regret it but right now I just want to make out with him again. Good God. It's just hard. Usually, I'll be very turned off by his advances and then later I'll fantasize about having his dick in my mouth. Yeeeeeep, I'm classy. I guess I have to make things clear with him pretty soon because I don't want to lead him on. It's just that...I'm afraid I might go back on my words and I'll have that moment where I really just want to run back to him and ask to get my rocks off with him. A part of me wants to keep true to what I really want and another part of me knows that but still wants a booty call open. Geez.

Watch Out World, I'm on My Man Period.

Apparently that's what's going on right now. I mean, the depressing post, the pity fest I had for half of the day, and then the crying session I had after my roommate addressed me in a slightly annoyed tone. I SWEAR I am more emotionally stable than this. Really. It's marginally embarrassing but I'll just walk it off. Or something. Hopefully. My goodness.

A Dilemma for the Lonely and Heartbroken.

        After I tried to jerk off on skype with Red (guy from previous post) I honestly felt disgusted and a little guilty. I mean, I felt as if I had more scruples than that. I was in a little bit of disbelief that I couldn't control myself and that I easily let some guy I barely knew see me in a way that didn't leave room for anything that I really craved like I don't know, some kind of mental or emotional connection. I felt really distraught and burnt out on this tug of war between the horny bastard and the hopeless and slightly disillusioned hopeless romantic inside of me. Still do a bit I suppose. Red apparently is really interested in "making me his bitch" in a crude sense. It turns a part of me on but at the same time I really don't want that. I know that if I ever went all the way, I'd know I'd this awful feeling inside of me, because I'd know this was only for sex as a stimulus, and little else.

      I want my first everything to be with someone I have a real connection with. I want to find that guy. The thing is...there's this sense of urgency right now that since I've never done anything with a guy in my while twenty one years that it'll be many more years until I really even get a sliver of a chance to really be with someone that I should make the best of it and go all the way with this guy. But I know that if I do that, a part of my heart might surely break more than it has. I think it'll be hard for me to do anything casual with a guy. Not that I won't enjoy it, but afterwards I'll think back and know this isn't what I really want. In the end, I may just go through with it and in retrospect conclude that because I was lonely, I became a little bit of a slut, because of my fear that I may not find that person perhaps for years. I really do want to go all the way with him sometimes but I know that I am totally capable of taking the high road and waiting for that guy for a bit longer. But do I really want to do that? Could I really survive that? Or will this just make the loneliness inside me create a deeper crevice inside me? Or perhaps the third option...to just come out entirely, because then I might actually find someone the proper way. No lies, no nothing, which is attractive. But am I really gay? I actually still don't know. I'm sure a large part of me is, but I do find women mysterious and attractive too to some extent. Is that enough? I wouldn't even know where to begin. 

    I don't know....I just...hate this, I guess. At the same time, I know this is something I have to grow up and deal with. I also know that everyone feels this way at one time or another. But then why does my heart still hurt so bad? I just want to feel how "Love" feels like. That's all I can think of right now. It's all I want sometimes. Not just the big cinematic moments but the small yet irreplaceable moments only two people can share. There have been times where all I truly crave is to hold hands with a guy and have them squeeze back because they really do want me. And sometimes, my heart breaks regardless because I know that right now, it's something that's out of reach for me, while being stuck in this stagnant limbo of loneliness. I don't know, sometimes I don't feel attractive or that anyone wants me to be their "somebody". It hurts. It's a concealed and silent hurt that comes out from my heart and radiates through my body. I feel like it has been wearing me down for too long and my heart is tired. This feeling I am too familiar with. Will...I ever find somebody? I don't think I can answer that.