Not Planning for the Future, Partying Instead

        I swear I'm going to focus on what my plans are for the future right when I finish this post. And after I work out a little bit. At 1:30 in the morning. It's cool. I've only had four hours of sleep. But it's okay because this whole month of March I have no tests. But then the first week of April I have three tests to worry about. I know that's going to screw me over but really I'm feeling fine right now at least. Anyway, this Friday I literally traversed all over my college town just hanging out with people. Going to a documentary thing with some people, touring a nifty recycling center, attending a few birthday shindigs that night, and then staying awake until six in the morning watching scary movies and hanging out even more. Then waking up at nine in the morning to tow my sorry manvan to Houston to get fixed up. Sad. But here I am in Houston, here doing Spring cleaning with the parents and celebrating my dad's birthday. Sure I'm exhausted but really I don't regret it too much. Being here with them really does do me good since they make me confront what I have to do for the future instead of my alternatives of not doing anything at all and silently panicking about them. Really. That is what I do with my future plans and partly why my graduate application is still very much unfinished. However, now that I've talked some plans over with my parents now I actually have to do them. Starting now. Fantastic.
       My whole Friday night was really interesting because I managed to do everything that I was hoping to do. I mean, going to two birthday parties, a scary movie night and other stuff all without a car? I think that's impressive. I know I told myself to really choose which things deserve my time the most but really I think this time was alright even though I know I missed some good things from splitting up my time. The one birthday party I went to was just a slopfest with beer pong going and people smoking all over the house. Yuck. What was interesting was that I was dressed kind of nice and I was riding with some friends and one pretty girl who I hadn't met before. She was cute and all the while I was wondering if maybe I could talk to her more and see what would happen. For a while I thought she might have been into me. I even thought that maybe she whispered to her friend that she thought I was hot. That really made my night. That being true or not, I instantly became extremely awkward talking to her. WOMP WOMP. There was actually another guy talking to her that was much more charismatic and I was just a tad bit jealous. Fortunately for me the pretty girl pre-gamed too much with tequila so I was lucky enough to find out my awkward attempts to woo her weren't the end of the world. She ended up passing out on the ride back home. Haha, that's college romance for you. So sure, I'm not straight but when did I start liking girls? There were a bunch of gay guys at the same party too. The birthday girl at the party apparently has a bunch of gay friends, who I found out really loves having her boobs fondled by these gay men. And when I say fondled, I mean clamping on the nipples and groping actions being done. Still, everyone was pretty drunk here so no harm done? There was this one gay guy who was in the military and was showing off his tattoos that I thought was just so hot. On one hand, he was a soldier, is a red head, and had a sexy red beard. On the other hand, he was kind of short and his mannerisms and voice really gave away the fact that he prefers penis. But really I did not mind at all because if I fazed out his voice and just saw him standing in a room, I really was tempted to go make out with him. I think it's just because he was a red head. Seriously.
            On another note, I've decided to maybe start doing things with Red. I mean, I've been whining about him forever and really, I think I'm just kind of ready to do something and just feel something. Am I doing the right thing? I know I want to save what I got for someone special, but really just cuddling up and making out with someone is what I really kind of want right now with somebody I can find attractive and promising I guess. It just seems like the signs in my life just point to why not? And if everything turns out to be a huge and terrible plane crash, I'll be okay, because I'm young and I just got to get out there right? I just hope I don't re-read this post in the future and say, "Damn you past self, you've screwed me over once again!" because really, I do that to myself way too often as it is.

-C.C.

Good Vibes and Awkward Thoughts

         I've worked out for two days straight and I actually feel great! Today wasn't too bad since I got a good friend to pick me up today...even though I didn't realize that we had to go this roundabout way to get to campus that included taking the bus too which made me completely late for class. It got awkward in there since I'm quickly becoming the class dunce in there compounded by the fact that I was really late. I swear I find the class interesting and engaging but I'm not really excelling in it as much as I wish I was. I then actually had a bunch of good social interaction having lunch with some friends from my classes and then spending the rest of the day with Crystal and having lunch and then spending some good study time with another freshman I used to mentor, Rose. I guess I feel good since my day ended on a somewhat good note. However, I don't know what happened but I just didn't get much done except for what I really needed to finish today. I finished some homework due tomorrow and got my bike fixed which made it good as new. Anyway, there is so much work to be done I can't slack off yet.
         One kind of sad little note was that I spent almost all night last night on OkCupid looking at Red's profile there and others' as well. I spent way too much time on it updating and all that jazz. It was actually so much more fun than I had intended too. I keep on thinking maybe I should ask him out on a date. My main motivation being that (this is going to sound a little pathetic) it seems the website thinks we're a really high match. Sometimes I'll think of him and then I'll immediately get extremely turned off by him because of how strongly he propositioned me a while ago. Every time I try to consider him I think of how much of a penis monster he was to me so to speak and I feel ashamed that I'm even considering him in that way. The thing is I think I'm a bit too much of a coward to go out and message anybody else right now. Jesus. It feels that if I ever did go and ask him I'd maybe be settling for him in a way because I don't want to be treated like some dimepiece. Still...why do these stupid thoughts keep popping up? I think my common sense is inherently broken.
       Anyway, this video made me feel good about life in general. It's wonderful.

-C.C.

Bad to Worse and a Silver Lining

       On Tuesday, life was pretty crummy since I just am really bad at coordinating stuff with my friends and parents. Just really bad. I haven't even finished my graduate school app. Really awful huh? I got news from the mechanic that my car is absolutely ruined. The transmission was just done for. I had to mediate with the parents to see what to do with it, which includes towing it back to Houston and all that jazz. Man. Now I feel like such a jerk to my parents for letting this happen because this is a very serious and expensive problem. Also, I keep on aggravating my mom with the fact that I don't keep in contact with her. Gawd I'm a mess. I later find out that I did awful on a test for one of my classes leaving me even more in the dumps. I then take a nap only to miss hanging out with friends which was kind of supposed to be the highlight of my day. Then I have this huge amount of time where I try to do work for all the things I have to do and I don't do them. I actually just surf on Hulu for five hours and don't do a thing.  So much for keeping up with Lent. Man. It was a not stellar day. On the plus side, I literally had maybe over eleven hours of good sleep. It actually made things seem not so awful.
      Wednesday turned out to be not too fantastic since I had class then lunch with Mick. This turned into an awkward lunch date. I don't know, I just didn't have anything to say and looking back on it I was just acting super awkward. That actually happened all day. Sometimes I have days like that. However, we did play with puppies so that was a plus. Afterwards, I actually got a few good things done for my classes which made me feel good about myself. I then proceeded to go and have free pizza somewhere in a park kind of far away and play frisbee. All was well until I had a bike accident and broke my bike. I was way out in the boonies so I had to go walk a ways back to where I needed to be. I still managed to go to a fun meeting and hang out with friends that really made me feel not as bad about my circumstances but really I have had some bad luck these days. What was weird was that I tried to find a friend at a nearby coffeeshop close to my place and bumped into a girl named Kate. This girl was a really nice and interesting girl that I met freshman year and we kind of connected, only to never be seen again. Oddly enough, she hangs around my apartment complex quite a bit and it was just amazing that she fondly remembered me after all this time. We exchanged numbers and maybe we'll be the best of friends? I really think that fate propels us although I am a huge proponent of free will too. I guess I have a sort of balance of it in my head. I feel like everything happens for a reason. So when all these bad things happened to me, I wondered what this meant for my life. As bad as these things can be, I'm really not as upset and miserable as I can be. I just think that there is always an opposite reaction to everything that happens to you in life. So the thing is what now? Life is funny sometimes, but never a dull moment.

-C.C.

Shenanigans and Free Time

       The concert trip and all that jazz was kind of crazy. It was fun, but crazy and definitely not what I expected. So, we all pile in my manvan to get the party started in Austin, and thirty miles out of town my car breaks down. It may have been due to the fact that I took a shortcut through this sketchy driveway that may have ripped up the bottom of my car. Who knows? Am I an irresponsible driver? Well, I am Asian, and I have way too many dents all over my car but I really do try honest. All seven of us are stranded on the side of the road so I call Triple A to help us and they come-almost an hour and a half later...As wonderful as that sounds, I really had a good time because everybody really stayed positive and we laughed a whole bunch about the incident. We even cheered and took pictures of the car being towed. The next obstacle was that the driver told us we could all fit in his truck with him. He said eight people have fit in before. This being a slightly bigger Ford truck, we were surprised, but we all gave it a shot. This led to me sitting on a seat rest, two people resting on the dashboard, one person squished onto the passenger window and everyone else just piled on top of each other on this one guy who was literally buried in people. For a good forty five minutes we are a human mass just chilling in one passenger seat and having an actually not terrible time talking with the driver, taking pictures of ourselves, and being in awe of our situation. When we get back to town, we pile out trying to regain movement in our limbs and then take more pictures of the tow truck and more pictures with the driver. He was really friendly to us and told us to add him on facebook. He even jokingly told me being so squished next to him that he felt closer to me than he ever did with his ex-wife. Hahaha, hilarious and slightly awkward. I can't find the guy anywhere on facebook so I felt bad but this was a pretty good story. The rest of the night was spent jet-setting to Austin trying to get to the concert on time, finding out only one guy from the band was actually playing, dancing with drunk frat stars and then chilling at this lovely 24/7 diner, Kerbey Lane and finding out a friend of ours got arrested for being a minor and being drunk serving minors and all that jazz. All in all a very good night. Sunday all day was just lethargy and unproductive happenings. I did some organization stuff, tried to do stuff and really was only marginally industrious. One thing that was weirdly on my mind was how this one girl Fanny, was just so friendly with me. Actually, I really do like her and we seem to mesh really well, but I just wonder about her. I said I was cold while waiting for the car to be towed and she gave me a big hug and rubbed me all over to keep me warm. She also seems to have a great sense in music. She pretty awesome by my standards. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I could have something with her. What is dawning on me is that I just can't feel enough passion enough for her than I would if she were a guy. I just know it. She's beautiful, intelligent, vivacious, and seems to like me but if she truly liked me back I don't know what I'd do. Maybe she's just being friendly, because I think that's what's happening, but I'm glad this has got me thinking. Sometimes, I think I'd want to be gay because at least I'd have an excuse to not to get out there and approach a guy since the guy is probably not gay and it's still kind sort of a struggle in Texas to find a guy. For a girl, there isn't really any excuse for me to simply get out there and at least ask since the worst she can say is no. Truthfully, as much as I want somebody to love, I'm a real coward. If I was straight, I'd still be alone maybe, because I just don't have the balls. It's not that I don't want to get into a relationship and  and risk getting my heart stomped on, although that really sucks, it's the obstacle of getting out there in the first place. Really, I'm don't know how I'll get past this. Will I have to wait another decade before I have my first real relationship? I may be twenty one, but I feel like a middle schooler when it comes to relationships.

           Monday was busy with classes and lab. It wasn't so bad except I lied about being sick to my TA in lab and he might have seen through it and therefore affecting my grade in lab. But really I don't care as much as I should have since my motivation after these line of tests have really just gone to an all time low. I feel a little like a scumbag but really I'm just going to man up and face the music. After classes I had to deal with my car in the shop and biking everywhere, which was refreshing for me since I exercised more but really it still is a pain. However, the day did get better somewhat since I went to a surprise blacklight party and then did nothing with my time for a while. You know, the usual. In other news, last night I felt really horny just because of going a week without spanking the monkey but really I am proud of myself that I'm really trying to stick to it and trying to wean myself off of my internet dependency including porn. The side effects being partly good since I don't get too moody I guess but also partly unsettling that every so often I'll fantasize about all of a sudden being in a relationship with guys I don't even know. When I say fantasize, I mean acting out in my head full blown meeting, dating, and relationship problems that could happen. I also think about Red from time to time and wondering if we could ever date. I hate doing that to myself. Anyway, I really need to be productive with my free time. Lord.

-C.C.