Bad to Worse and a Silver Lining

       On Tuesday, life was pretty crummy since I just am really bad at coordinating stuff with my friends and parents. Just really bad. I haven't even finished my graduate school app. Really awful huh? I got news from the mechanic that my car is absolutely ruined. The transmission was just done for. I had to mediate with the parents to see what to do with it, which includes towing it back to Houston and all that jazz. Man. Now I feel like such a jerk to my parents for letting this happen because this is a very serious and expensive problem. Also, I keep on aggravating my mom with the fact that I don't keep in contact with her. Gawd I'm a mess. I later find out that I did awful on a test for one of my classes leaving me even more in the dumps. I then take a nap only to miss hanging out with friends which was kind of supposed to be the highlight of my day. Then I have this huge amount of time where I try to do work for all the things I have to do and I don't do them. I actually just surf on Hulu for five hours and don't do a thing.  So much for keeping up with Lent. Man. It was a not stellar day. On the plus side, I literally had maybe over eleven hours of good sleep. It actually made things seem not so awful.
      Wednesday turned out to be not too fantastic since I had class then lunch with Mick. This turned into an awkward lunch date. I don't know, I just didn't have anything to say and looking back on it I was just acting super awkward. That actually happened all day. Sometimes I have days like that. However, we did play with puppies so that was a plus. Afterwards, I actually got a few good things done for my classes which made me feel good about myself. I then proceeded to go and have free pizza somewhere in a park kind of far away and play frisbee. All was well until I had a bike accident and broke my bike. I was way out in the boonies so I had to go walk a ways back to where I needed to be. I still managed to go to a fun meeting and hang out with friends that really made me feel not as bad about my circumstances but really I have had some bad luck these days. What was weird was that I tried to find a friend at a nearby coffeeshop close to my place and bumped into a girl named Kate. This girl was a really nice and interesting girl that I met freshman year and we kind of connected, only to never be seen again. Oddly enough, she hangs around my apartment complex quite a bit and it was just amazing that she fondly remembered me after all this time. We exchanged numbers and maybe we'll be the best of friends? I really think that fate propels us although I am a huge proponent of free will too. I guess I have a sort of balance of it in my head. I feel like everything happens for a reason. So when all these bad things happened to me, I wondered what this meant for my life. As bad as these things can be, I'm really not as upset and miserable as I can be. I just think that there is always an opposite reaction to everything that happens to you in life. So the thing is what now? Life is funny sometimes, but never a dull moment.

-C.C.

Shenanigans and Free Time

       The concert trip and all that jazz was kind of crazy. It was fun, but crazy and definitely not what I expected. So, we all pile in my manvan to get the party started in Austin, and thirty miles out of town my car breaks down. It may have been due to the fact that I took a shortcut through this sketchy driveway that may have ripped up the bottom of my car. Who knows? Am I an irresponsible driver? Well, I am Asian, and I have way too many dents all over my car but I really do try honest. All seven of us are stranded on the side of the road so I call Triple A to help us and they come-almost an hour and a half later...As wonderful as that sounds, I really had a good time because everybody really stayed positive and we laughed a whole bunch about the incident. We even cheered and took pictures of the car being towed. The next obstacle was that the driver told us we could all fit in his truck with him. He said eight people have fit in before. This being a slightly bigger Ford truck, we were surprised, but we all gave it a shot. This led to me sitting on a seat rest, two people resting on the dashboard, one person squished onto the passenger window and everyone else just piled on top of each other on this one guy who was literally buried in people. For a good forty five minutes we are a human mass just chilling in one passenger seat and having an actually not terrible time talking with the driver, taking pictures of ourselves, and being in awe of our situation. When we get back to town, we pile out trying to regain movement in our limbs and then take more pictures of the tow truck and more pictures with the driver. He was really friendly to us and told us to add him on facebook. He even jokingly told me being so squished next to him that he felt closer to me than he ever did with his ex-wife. Hahaha, hilarious and slightly awkward. I can't find the guy anywhere on facebook so I felt bad but this was a pretty good story. The rest of the night was spent jet-setting to Austin trying to get to the concert on time, finding out only one guy from the band was actually playing, dancing with drunk frat stars and then chilling at this lovely 24/7 diner, Kerbey Lane and finding out a friend of ours got arrested for being a minor and being drunk serving minors and all that jazz. All in all a very good night. Sunday all day was just lethargy and unproductive happenings. I did some organization stuff, tried to do stuff and really was only marginally industrious. One thing that was weirdly on my mind was how this one girl Fanny, was just so friendly with me. Actually, I really do like her and we seem to mesh really well, but I just wonder about her. I said I was cold while waiting for the car to be towed and she gave me a big hug and rubbed me all over to keep me warm. She also seems to have a great sense in music. She pretty awesome by my standards. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I could have something with her. What is dawning on me is that I just can't feel enough passion enough for her than I would if she were a guy. I just know it. She's beautiful, intelligent, vivacious, and seems to like me but if she truly liked me back I don't know what I'd do. Maybe she's just being friendly, because I think that's what's happening, but I'm glad this has got me thinking. Sometimes, I think I'd want to be gay because at least I'd have an excuse to not to get out there and approach a guy since the guy is probably not gay and it's still kind sort of a struggle in Texas to find a guy. For a girl, there isn't really any excuse for me to simply get out there and at least ask since the worst she can say is no. Truthfully, as much as I want somebody to love, I'm a real coward. If I was straight, I'd still be alone maybe, because I just don't have the balls. It's not that I don't want to get into a relationship and  and risk getting my heart stomped on, although that really sucks, it's the obstacle of getting out there in the first place. Really, I'm don't know how I'll get past this. Will I have to wait another decade before I have my first real relationship? I may be twenty one, but I feel like a middle schooler when it comes to relationships.

           Monday was busy with classes and lab. It wasn't so bad except I lied about being sick to my TA in lab and he might have seen through it and therefore affecting my grade in lab. But really I don't care as much as I should have since my motivation after these line of tests have really just gone to an all time low. I feel a little like a scumbag but really I'm just going to man up and face the music. After classes I had to deal with my car in the shop and biking everywhere, which was refreshing for me since I exercised more but really it still is a pain. However, the day did get better somewhat since I went to a surprise blacklight party and then did nothing with my time for a while. You know, the usual. In other news, last night I felt really horny just because of going a week without spanking the monkey but really I am proud of myself that I'm really trying to stick to it and trying to wean myself off of my internet dependency including porn. The side effects being partly good since I don't get too moody I guess but also partly unsettling that every so often I'll fantasize about all of a sudden being in a relationship with guys I don't even know. When I say fantasize, I mean acting out in my head full blown meeting, dating, and relationship problems that could happen. I also think about Red from time to time and wondering if we could ever date. I hate doing that to myself. Anyway, I really need to be productive with my free time. Lord.

-C.C.

Sex Dreams and Rodeos

         So I woke up today thinking I was going to the rodeo with my old friend Dani. Her family goes every year to the cook-off and there is some amazing BBQ to be had. However, this year was different because I didn't go. Previous years we didn't go because of school work and awful tests, but this time I was just being an awful friend me thinks. I decided to go to a concert tonight but that meant not going to the rodeo and then all of a sudden I had the brilliant idea to go in the morning and come back in the afternoon to meet up with my concert friend I'm sure when I ultimately decided not to go anymore. Well, the decision mostly being I was thinking about going and then I went back to sleep. So I decided by default I wasn't going when I woke up too late to go to the rodeo. I feel like a crummy friend, seriously. She told me in advance but I never got back to her and then I tried to do two things at once but that didn't work out. It was kind of our thing that we do as friends and this may have been kind of important to her but apparently not as important to me. Also, I woke up to my mom livid at me for not calling her for two weeks and not answering her phone calls. I'm just terrible with taking care of those who matter the most to me even after all this time. Dani is the type of person who doesn't really let you know when she is hurt of offended and that's tricky for me since I'm the type of person who doesn't see that, although I'm sure I did this time. I guess I have to make it up sometime later...hopefully. I know we're best friends, but I sure don't act like it sometimes...
      I guess the highlight of the day, in which nothing else really happened was that I had a flurry of dreams last night. It was crazy. So many dream sequences I couldn't even believe the stuff that was going on. The most interesting things being that I had some crazy wet dreams twice in a row. Well, to be honest they're not sex dreams because I never have sex in my dreams, and when I do anything intimate with someone they're rather rare and never very racy. But when they happen they're kind of the closest thing I have to anything resembling sexual things and I get excited. The first dream was kind of weird but also kind of hot since I was hanging out with this huge jock guy and his girlfriend, but every time she wasn't looking he'd hit on me and tease me sexually or something. The most dramatic moment being when we were actually standing in front of a big department store display case and he reached around and really went at tweaking my nipple. He knew what he was doing too. It hurt a little, but it also gave me a bunch of pleasure too. I couldn't believe it! Right in public. And then we went back to his girlfriend. Then in another dream sequence, I was at the pool and surrounded by guys in speedos. Sure, it sounds like a gay porno shoot waiting to happening, but we were all chilling in the sun and all these guys were naturally really hot and I just leaned over and started making out with one guy. It was awesome at first, but then thinking back on it my dream kiss was weird since I was kissing him but he wasn't kissing back so it was more like tongue-ing an open mouth. I guess since I've never been kissed before it kind of makes sense that my dream wouldn't be very realistic I guess. When I realized this I felt a little dismayed. I want to feel attractive and be with another guy but I know if I do it I'll just feel dirty and empty at the same time. I still feel bad about my friend but I don't have time for this since I have to get ready for that concert I'm going to now. Hopefully I can make it up to Dani somehow.
Let's see how the rest of my weekend goes.

-C.C.

Living Life...for a little bit.

         This weekend is going to be just amazing. I can visualize it, I can feel it, I can literally taste it. If I haven't already mentioned I'm going to enjoy being a college kid for once and just have fun. All the time. Jealous? Yeah-Yuh. Anyway, Thursday wasn't so bad because my classes were just rather laid back today. The main points there being that I had lunch with a guy I really admire. He's a nerdy, alcoholic, party-going, hairy, soon-to-be doctor Irishman. I swear, this is partly why I love college because I get to know people like him. The thing is, I have a terrible habit of putting people on pedestals and he is one of those people I do that to. He is just so intelligent yet he's so charismatic. I love this guy. I wish we were better friends but I just don't have a very good time keeping in touch with people. In any case, we had burgers on the rooftop of a bar on a beautiful, warm and windy day and we had a good talk and laugh about a bunch of things. The thing is sometimes we don't have much that ties us in common anymore and so I feel awkward trying to keep the conversation going sometimes when the conversation lulls. It makes me restless. As if it is a glaring notice that our relationship is bordering on "someone I used to know" instead of real friends and that concerns me sometimes. However, eventually I guess I got more comfortable and I think we had a good time just catching up. After lunch we decided to go and get a quick sake bomb before class and I totally accidentally spilled my sake into my drink so we had to all suddenly bomb before we were ready. I spilled half of the stuff down my shirt but it was really freaking fun. Nothing like taking the edge off of school by day drinking and spilling everything on my shirt. To be honest my friend is kind of an enabler when it comes to drinking, but really being with him is a good time. On the other hand, his life is really full of achievement and successes and his life is gonna be going a mile a minute being an MBA/MD student and being a navy doctor and all. Sometimes, I feel inadequate when I'm around him, like I'm wasting his time discussing our future plans with him. However, I have plans and stuff too. I just have to get my life in order too.
             Later that day, I went to an intramural soccer game where we literally were turned into puree by the other team. I mean, I got a fantastic workout and it I just love playing soccer with my team in general and hanging out with them but dear lord was the other team merciless. One girl on my team was actually tackled into and flipped over onto her face. That was kind of crazy. Noncompetitive intramural league my ass. Awful game aside, a few of us hung out together at a taco place and it was really fun talking and getting to know people. Pete was one of these people and it was great talking to him since he is a pretty cool and interesting person. In addition, I finally was able to make myself realize the fact that he is straight as an arrow so I can just freaking move on. Pathetically enough I felt a bit upset afterwards and ate a bunch of celery and peanut butter later at home as if that was some kind of panacea for sour feelings. I hate crushing on straight guys just because I always do this to myself. Man. Later on that night my old roommates texted me to hang out and even thought I was a bit hesitant at first, I was so glad I did. I forgot how much fun I used to have with them. It's odd how much I laugh and have a good time with one of them, Stevie, when he's a blatant homophobe. But really, it's fine.
             Today, on friday, I had a pretty busy day with classes, the most notable moment being when my professor ragged on me for more or less being a "goober" and the rest of the class followed suite. I mean, it was funny to tell the truth and not so embarrassing really. However, one day, I really hope that people will respect me more and not just think of me as the quirky funny kid that has a really distinctive and loud personality. Also, I had to stay half an hour later than everyone else since I just could NOT understand a part of the lab procedures. It was absolutely unreal how dense my head was not to understand something like that. But all in all everything turned out fine. For the rest of the night I hung out with my freshman friend, Crystal, who's the lesbian I mentioned. We had dinner together and then we bought glow sticks for this special 5K to support orphans in central america where you run in the dark with those things. It was nice to do something like that, although we walked the whole way and I really just wanted to run. However, I have to sleep early and such, because I'm going to the rodeo for some genuine Texan BBQ and then going to a concert for a little band called Passion Pit. THEN, I'm going to do a bunch of organization stuff later on Sunday to top it all off. It's going to be busy and crazy but definitely fun. I'm excited. I love when my life is like this. Hopefully, I'm still making good decisions.
            One last note, for lent, I gave up extraneous internet browsing. That means I'm going to drastically cut back on all the things I do to waste time on facebook and the rest of the internet. This includes internet episodes, online comics, just anything really, but the hardest thing being included is porn. I just thought I'd throw that in because I do spend too much time doing that so from here on out, we'll see how long I can swear off porn too. I think it'll be a good endeavor. We'll see. My longest time has been about two weeks without. Sad perhaps but a personal best really. Anyway, time to party it up until I have to get back to work again.

-C.C.

P.S. If you haven't checked out Passion Pit, maybe it's time you bring back happiness and wonder back into your life.