Lunch with Mick and other things

          Wednesday was pretty laid back in that I didn't get anything done. I mean, I went to a few organizational meetings to see what was up and spent some part of the day marginally studying for classes, but beyond that, I just can't believe that I didn't get as much as I wanted done. It was discouraging. However, one very interesting development occurred that day. I had lunch with a friend I hadn't really talked to in around a year or so. I'll name him Mick. We had known each other for most of college and had lunch quite a few times but we never really went beyond that kind of casual relationship. I bumped into him a day or two ago and then we decided we would have lunch on Wednesday. To me he seems rather successful since he's going off to law school and is busy with this well-known Christian men's organization. He's done stuff with his life and I'm sure he will continue on that path. Sometimes we really click, and sometimes, conversation is kind of painful with him. Partly because I feel he can tell when I squeeze in filler topics with no substance due to my discomfort at lulls in conversation. Partly also because we don't have that much in common? I suppose it might just be me. In any case, we had a pretty decent conversation that day. It went well. One thing that was different about all our other encounters was when he brought up God in the conversation. I knew he was a respectably strong Christian before, but it seems he has really grown and matured and advanced in his faith. He decided to ask me about how I felt about God. I feel a little ashamed to say that I actually felt somewhat uncomfortable. I don't know. I guess that religion is something that I consider somewhat private. This is kind of contrary to what many people at my school do since I know quite a few people very open and communicative with their faith. Such a thing doesn't bother me, but I prefer to keep to myself. Maybe it's because I haven't had many experiences that have asked me to share and discuss it. So when I answered him, I told him honestly I do hold a relationship with God important, but that my stance with the church and the theology was more vague and shaky. When I asked him the same question, he gave me a somewhat personal answer that I thought was interesting. Like how realized he didn't really understand what God meant to him, how he thought that what he was doing as a "righteous" person was enough and how he would observe people seemingly partaking in sin and feel better than them in some way. But reform his perceptions a bit and was in a different place. After this exchange, he told me he wanted to keep on discussing these kinds of things with me and really get to something deeper. The conversation eventually trickled down to more superficial topics that I brought up to ease the lull and eventually we parted ways. For me, this an interesting conversation. I guess I was looking for something deeper these days. At the same time I was thinking of exploring my faith a bit more. Both of those things I put on my to do list and went on with my life. So perhaps, thinking about all this, I'll take his bait and try to get deeper with him. See where it takes me. Perhaps this will help me develop as a person. Perhaps it will become a bit awkward, but we'll see. I guess my Wednesdays will be a bit more interesting.
          On the following day I also got diddly squat done today academically. I had a quiz today that I completely bombed even though I thought I studied adequately. It put me in a somewhat peeved mood. I actually couldn't go back to studying so I went to work out instead. It really didn't improve until I finished class for the day. I later I may have wasted the day away instead of being productive. I mean, it was pretty fun with an intramural soccer match and a trip to an ice cream place and a cozy little burger place thirty minutes away from town, but really I had so much to do today I don't understand how I could still be so negligent. I guess I am in for a long night? It was kind of worth it. I did have fun. So, no procrasturbating for me tonight. Hopefully. Weeeeell, not for long perhaps. Maybe. I don't know. I'll keep an open mind. That's more like it. Weird how I talk seriously about developing myself and such one minute then joke about procrasturbating the next. I'm a real mess.

-C.C.

Oh hello Again

       How ironic that after a post talking about being delinquent about not blogging every day I do it for two days in a row. That's pretty ridiculous. However, life has just been so busy for the past few days but only because I don't manage my time well. I studied a great deal on Sunday for my Monday test which I went twenty minutes late to. It was a disaster. Then I spent all of the day in class tired and only narrowly squeezing in lunch and other obligations. I then went to meetings all evening and then was pronounced unconscious later on that night. It was pretty terrible. I really just got the bare minimum done and that was it but dear lord was I just absolutely drained.
       Today I woke up reasonably refreshed. Many things happened today but the most significant thing was when I went to Bi Like Me's blog to read up on the entries. For a good few days I was just very depressed on being alone and just a mix of everything really. Reading Frat Star Friday's posts helped me to the point where I just rebounded back. I learned so much today about myself and everything. I wish I could explain but it's three thirty in the GOD DAYUM morning here. I hate how I just don't manage time well.

-C.C.

On Solitude

         I guess blogging every day has its disadvantages. I mean, I've just been thinking that my blog posts have been lacking a good amount of substance. Goodness. But I'll keep up with it for now. I promised myself I'd blog everyday if I could help it. Today was productive in the sense that I finished my physical chemistry homework. It took five hours almost. What. A. B****. Fill in the blanks. It was just awful. On the bright side doing it in a group made it almost bearable. We were all miserable together. I was also horridly sore in my calves for the longest time. I literally rushed to the gym Jacuzzi in some lame attempt to get rid off all the lactic acid inside of me. I also tried to give myself a deep tissue massage too. A fun fact about that part of my day was that a bunch a good fit guys were always around when I was in the jacuzzi. Ironically, I didn't have any glasses to see them with so although I could tell they were all attractive and all, most if not all of the visual details were sadly lost on me. Unfortunately, it still hurts to stand up and walk, however the hot tub and massage helped a little.
        Afterwards, I went to watch the Woman in Black starring Daniel Radcliffe with a friend. It was AWESOME. I loved it! I absolutely LOVE horror films. I just think they're amazing and yet so very few really can be deemed actually quality horror films. It was just great. I don't quite think it's THE best horror film I've watched in a while though. I guess I'm just never happy, oh well. Later on in the night, I had the option to go to a party or meet a friend who graduated and stuff, but I mean, it was probably a good idea I didn't go to either because of my freaking legs and also I didn't feel very festive either. However, instead of working on something, I spent most of my time on Hulu and pining for somebody to love. I kept on looking at Grindr to maybe see if Danny was around. I'm going to just assume he blocked me, because I really think I blew it and also I want to think that so I can just move on. I hate how neurotic I'm being, though. I always thought I would be so much more laid back. I also paid a visit to OkCupid and searching for someone I might want to get to know. It was a little much really. I shouldn't have done all of that but I just couldn't help it. I wanted something so bad.
         One thing that did happen was a guy messaged me on Grindr most probably looking for a blowjob and although I was in the mood for dick in my mouth lately I took the high ground and told him I wasn't looking for a hookup. I guess I'm kind of proud for still sticking to my guns. I think I scared him away with my whole, I wanna get to know you and talk to you thing going on. Good riddance I guess. Another important thing that happened was that I told my good friend Cyn about my worsening depressing emotions about being alone. I always get uncomfortable telling people about what I'm really feeling and digging down deep into myself, even though I try to convince myself I am an open-minded and open book type of guy. Cyn told me all the things I told myself like how I deserved somebody and I shouldn't be so impatient to find someone and it'll happen one day. However, she told me one thing that really opened my eyes. She told me that I had so much to offer as a person, but that I also deserved to receive so much back. I don't know. That comment hit home more than the others just because I guess I never thought of being deserving of somebody loving me. I don't know. It just left me with some food for thought. One thing that came out of this conversation was how a started to feel in the dumps again, but that conversation with Cyn actually kept me from really falling completely into my rut again. So maybe, all I really needed was somebody to listen. Also, this song I found today really put me in a very poignant and calm mood while I blogged. It's rather nice.

Another entry, another night.

-C.C.
         

Forever Aloneeee

        Today was a pretty substantially good day. I fell asleep extremely late but woke up early. This usually never happens and I always miss anything in the morning. Why today was different I won't really know. In the morning I had a walk-in I had to get to and I got there, signed in and went to my pre-med advisor. For the longest time I had little hope that I'd get into med school with my credentials but surprisingly she gave me hope. I then went on to go grab a breakfast burrito which are a real treat for me because for some reason I have a weakness for unhealthy breakfast burritos. I then went to class where there was a test review but it was near impossible to understand what was going on. I'm obviously not going to enjoy this upcoming test but it's friday, so what the hay? Amiright? I then finished more class and went to eat lunch with a cool gal who I used to mentor. We didn't talk for half a year, but I just kinda missed her since I was her mentor back in the day. It was really fun to hang out with her since we laughed quite a bit and I really enjoyed her company more than I thought I would. That sounds kind of pretentious but ah well it was fun. I then went to a lab where we extracted bacteriophage viruses out of samples we collected from the outside world and the whole class was actually really relaxed and a bit fun.

        However, the whole day my calves were just killing me and by the end of the day they literally prevented me from walking. I actually clawed my way to the gym only to find that my calves just couldn't take anymore activity in general. It was a bit much for me. I went directly home but then on the upside when I went home, a HUGE storm came complete with thunder, and lightning, and even hail. There was actually a tornado warning in effect. I actually loved every minute of the thing. The thunder, the lightning, the strong constant downpour and rattling of the hail. Man, it was beautiful. On the upside, I caught up on some shows that I loved and continued talking to Danny on Grindr. Now, I know that thing isn't eharmony nor is it some magical boyfriend device, but just talking to another normal guy who likes guys makes me feel good. I went on for an hour just talking about the storm and tv shows. I then showed him a pic or two of me. This is where things went south. I was trying to sound funny but I guess I came across as whiney about my pics and the pics I did have I don't know if they were any good or not. Either way, I guess we can be casual friends or something. I don't know, the conversation kind of did a nosedive and it might have been my fault. Right before, he invited me to watch this show, "I Just Want My Pants Back" and my heart jumped a little and I kind of wanted to squeal like a little girl kind of. In all honesty I don't really want to have high hopes for this guy or Grindr. It just doesn't feel quite right even though it was a good conversation. I can kind of tell he wasn't that into me anyways. But to be honest, the purpose wasn't really to talk to some guy and lasso in a boyfriend but just talk to a guy in general. Even though I do get horny and lonely all the time these days, I refuse to be a penis monster that'll shag any guy who'll take me. Or, I hope I don't become that person. It's so easy to do I'm sure. All this feels like baby steps. In a way it frustrates me, but I am glad I'm doing this since even the baby steps of talking about nothing to some guy throws me through a loop. Auugghh, my brains hurts now that I've talked to him. The last message I sent him talked about being how I'd love to watch that thing with him and he answered, "Yep" back to me. DAMMIT. Oh well, chalk it up to experience. Anyway, I guess a better goal would be to stop sounding like a teenage girl in these posts. I seriously cannot bear to read what I've wrote in the past few weeks just because I most probably depict myself inadvertently as a HUGE vagina. 

Am I being self critical? No...a HUGE vagina sounds about right.

-C.C.