Whoops...

           Well that's upsetting. I really hoped that for the most part I would be much more vigilant and responsible in keeping up with my every day posting resolution that I was trying to do but I guess I just ended my streak. How anti-climactic. There wasn't really any big reason I didn't blog yesterday except for the fact that I was extremely busy and very poorly dealt with the time I had. I did have a good amount of fun though. Yesterday, was a wonderful day. It was the bee's knees. I mean, I finished class at noon-ish, found out I didn't bomb my homework assignment, spent my idle time not doing too much, worked out for the second time in a row, then went to a meeting that was really fun where I got some free home cooked Italian food, and then came late to a friend's birthday get together at a steak place. All the while the whole day was just beautiful and sunny and relaxing. The last part was kind of embarrassing since I thought I could come late but then it turned out everyone was waiting for me to get there before they were seated. Yipes. I was just great and relaxing to spend so much time with a bunch of friends and have some more time for just leisure. At the very end of the night I did drag myself to a library to study for a quiz and try to be productive but it seemed I was much slower at studying than I thought I'd be. Dear lord. Going to sleep at four a.m. and then waking up at ten was a bit painful truthfully.
           Today wasn't so awful. I went to class and did decent on my quiz. I then bumped into a friend who I later went to eat pizza with who called me out for being late to class. It was funny. I bummed around trying not to study for the longest time afterwards. I had a huge break in between class and I knew I had to catch up on work for a test coming up, etc, but truthfully I was just not feeling it. I was also sore in a good way from the last few days of working out. Really the most notable thing to happen here was that a started talking to this guy Dan on Grindr. No big deal about him really except I guess talking to any guy on Grindr makes my heart beat a little faster for inconsequential reasons. He was nice and asked for a pic that I didn't have on Grindr. I was kind of embarrassed partly because I didn't have one and that I have noticed that all my pictures still look awful. I actually tried to use my phone camera to provide a picture but I am not exaggerating when I was a little horrified to see how terrible I looked. I mean, I looked like a pathetic, run down version of myself that gained an extra fifteen pounds. I guess this means I'm not photogenic. I swear I can look halfway decent. I really want to keep on talking with him solely for the fact that I just want to get out there and meet and date people. It doesn't matter right now if I crash and burn as long as I just DO something already. Sometimes, I think I look very unattractive. Not just so-so but actually full blown unattractive. I wish it wasn't a big deal to me. I know I have to really come into my own and appreciate and accept all of myself but for some reason I just have a discouraging self-image  problem with myself. I think that is one of the reasons that hold me back from being with someone. But that's ok, because I'll send in that pic, because I can work halfway decent. And if I still look run down and fifteen pounds overweight then that's fine because photoshop and dark, smoky club venues can be my new medium. It's fine. Or maybe I should just go back to studying for the life goal of getting REALLY fat  but very rich from my high powered job that I will have one day. Yeah...that's it.

-C.C.

Better

        Today was better, and today I am better. It was really easygoing because I had a somewhat late class, had a long lunch with friends, and then kind of bummed around afterwards expecting to study and then falling asleep for a "nap" for a few hours or four. Today was supposed to be super productive and then plans went belly up for that. Dear lord. Now I'm contemplating staying up all night since four hours is a sustainable amount of sleep......In other news I think I get extremely awkward after episodes emotional turmoil. Also, there was this one time a guy hit on me and I got super awkward about it. I mean, I have an experience level of zero when it comes to courtship or what not so it wasn't surprising. Also, a friend and I really were set on this amazing concert paint party called DayGlow. Sounding super awesome already huh? Yeah, I know. Anyway, it's still too expensive and no one else will go with us when it's that pricey. Whaaaat? Laaaaaaame. I don't want to have no plans again like last weekend....but that's okay. I mean, studying sounds like a pretty solid plan...again.

-C.C.

P.S. Could my posts get any shorter? Oh well.

Oh God, I have a problem

         Today was rather busy, however, they weren't too concerning I suppose. I mean, I spent quite a bit of my time on one homework only to find out I didn't really understand the question and that I really just answered pretty poorly. I then kind of went through most of my other classes trying to keep up some kind of work ethic. I was kind of more serious today trying to focus on academics and trying my best to do well in classes. (Too bad I found out I made a zero on a quiz in one class...it'll be dropped but dear lord...). Nothing was too overwhelming today, but in some terrible moment a cascade of emotion just bore down on me. It kind of felt like a waterfall in a way just overwhelming me. I was kind of close to tears and the lecture I was listening to was immediately fazed out. I just started thinking about how Red was dating somebody and I was just thinking what a lucky bastard he was. I started to feel incredibly depressed nothing of which having to do with Red really but more having to do with having another "I'm going to be alone forever" episode. The thing was...it was much more intense and powerful than I ever remembered it being before. I tried to concentrate in my class but the emotion just wouldn't go away and in the effort to try and focus in the midst of this swirl of sudden emotion actually started to nurture a growing headache. It was almost scary. Truthfully, I think I need help or something, because I'm literally being torn apart by my emotions. I know the problem is most probably this ever growing void of loneliness inside of me, but I thought for the longest time I could handle it. I feel a little pathetic though. It's as if a part of me is telling me somehow that I need a man to be happy in life, but I DON'T want my life to be that way. Why do I want to be with someone so badly? Why does being alone have to hurt me this much??? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know what to do really...I just don't feel good right now.

-C.C.

That was Weird

       Today was pretty uneventful too, although honestly a bit less so than yesterday. Honestly, I was in this ridiculously odd funk for a good amount of the day. I don't know why but I went into this mood that everyone I spent time with didn't have a point since we would all part anyway and other such thoughts that really made me feel as if I was alone against the world and such. All I felt like doing was doing my work well and moving on with my life. I'm sure that I would have come out of it eventually, but just a little while ago I was jolted out of my weird funk. I found out that Red is dating somebody now. After that all of a sudden didn't feel down in the dumps so much anymore. It was the strangest thing. I did feel a sense of loss like I missed out on him as an opportunity I guess, which made me feel ridiculous, but at the same time I felt kind of free? I don't understand it. I guess since he'd been occupying my thoughts every so often it was good for me to find an excuse to let him go? I guess, but now I feel just more energized. So, although I guess I missed out an a guy who wanted to hook up with me, I guess that means I'll just have to really get out there now. No quick blowjob swapping for me yet I guess hahaha. I suppose subconsciously since he was an option in the back of my mind I just stopped trying to get myself out there? Maybe. I'm a strange one.
      On another note, I was dutifully procrastinating on life when my roommate next door starts this crying, shouting match with her boyfriend she was skyping that made me feel reeeeeaaaaalllly awkward. It was even more awkward because I was trying to spank the monkey and all. Doesn't that just beat all? Well, there we go.

-C.C.