I've got time

       Classes are ridiculously tiring. Especially when I haven't had my nine hours of sleep. GAWD, why is my life sooooo hard. Man do I sound like a brat, but in all honesty I was really tired today. The classes I had today were less than fantastic today, especially the lab I had. It was a simple review of the protocols lab that we did. However, I felt like such a dunce because I was the last guy to finish everything and to top it all off I royally screwed some of my results. I'm one of those guys. You might have seen my kind. The one that looks really lost in class and lo and behold he kind of gets through class only after leaving behind a wake of frustration and annoyance to his peers or superiors. That guy. Man, if only I was less careless, but for some reason I really am careless to the point of negligence. Oh, and by the way I totes want to be a doctor so please do place yourself under my care. On the up side I have an attractive scruffy TA and there's a cute guy that sits near me in the lab. Truthfully my cute classmate is more of a short, baby-faced, kind of chubby, extremely scruffy sort of guy. He looks kind of like a baby-faced hobbit. That's more like it. But for some reason I really think he's cute. Doesn't that beat all? I guess scruff is a real turn on for me. Maybe because I can't grow any of my own being Asian and all? That's funny. I also keep on ogling at the scruffy TA but he is married so every time I think about him I feel like a sleezebag.
      Besides my debacle in the science lab I went home and kind of did nothing. I have no plans, although I'm going back home for Chinese New Year, which is always a wonderful celebration. I'm a little perturbed I don't have plans or any friends in mind to go spend time with right now. I actually have quite a bit of time on my hands. It's wonderful, but kind of unsettling. However, I still haven't finished my grad school applications or made any progress so really I'm still a mess. Fantastic. But I am slightly tired, so perhaps sleeping will be the next course of action for me. Probably. I never did like taking care of my responsibilities anyway.

-C.C.

I'm getting there?

       The thing I'm most proud of is working out today. I did a great job trying to tire myself out. My day was pretty sweet in that regard. I'm also qualified for a chemistry minor and that was also exciting. On a less gratifying note I kind of bullshitted the rest of the day from seven until midnight. I just can't fathom how I can simply drain five hours of my life in one sitting so easily these days. It's almost second nature. It's scary. I guess I know I'm really in college now. Gotdangit.
       In other news, I saw my very first crush at the gym today. He goes to my university, but I almost never see him. Anyway, it was just interesting to see him because of the amazing stache and beard that he was sporting. He used to have this quirky gait. It wasn't abnormal, just different. It seemed to portray somebody unsure about themselves. I wondered how he had changed, and then I wondered how I have changed over the years. Some things are radically different, and some things still aren't. Like my awful self destructive habits for instance haha...but no seriously. In any case, at least I'm making some progress, but I know I have so much more to go. And of course, 2012 is going to be my year to REALLY change things and make it different. I just want them to be. At the same time, I sound like such a broken record already...man.

-C.C.

Still a Kid...

        I'm still a little poo. I really am. Not to anyone in general, just to myself. I can't stop procrastinating. There's so much to do. And I never do it. The most notable thing I did today was wake up early so that I could get to meet with a professor today. It went alright...we were supposed to talk about things in order for her to write a good recommendation for me, but the fact of the matter was that I feel like she was giving me a poker face so to speak. As if my plans were really not concrete enough for her to make a good enough letter for me. Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe I've been thinking that all along and my insecurity is coming out now. I don't know. I felt like a little kid under the spotlight and gave answers that every adult nods their head to but couldn't possibly take seriously. If only I took my life more seriously and actually sat down to ask myself the difficult questions in my life instead of pushing them to the back of my head. I can't stop hurting myself in this way. It's just crazy. I just get so scared of it sometimes. So when someone asks me about my future, it all just comes boiling up again. One goal I hope to accomplish is to conquer whatever this is, because I know I can be better. It just that...where do I start?

-C.C.

Hitting the Ground Running

Today I had a great day just talking to a bunch of people all throughout campus. I bumped into quite a few people that I usually stop to talk to and it was wonderful! It made me feel fantastic. A plus was that I also slept early and even though I didn't wake up that early I got eleven hours of sleep instead so that was a plus I guess. What I was excited for was that I was having a NERDgasm during one class that talked about how we are researching bacteriophages, and how we are going to name one, and go on trip for collecting samples, etc. I'm strangely giddy. This first day of school sounds like a success to me. I have so many errands to do and everything, yet I am just happy to be away from the lethargy that permeated my winter break sometimes. Off I go.

-C.C.