Better

        Today was better, and today I am better. It was really easygoing because I had a somewhat late class, had a long lunch with friends, and then kind of bummed around afterwards expecting to study and then falling asleep for a "nap" for a few hours or four. Today was supposed to be super productive and then plans went belly up for that. Dear lord. Now I'm contemplating staying up all night since four hours is a sustainable amount of sleep......In other news I think I get extremely awkward after episodes emotional turmoil. Also, there was this one time a guy hit on me and I got super awkward about it. I mean, I have an experience level of zero when it comes to courtship or what not so it wasn't surprising. Also, a friend and I really were set on this amazing concert paint party called DayGlow. Sounding super awesome already huh? Yeah, I know. Anyway, it's still too expensive and no one else will go with us when it's that pricey. Whaaaat? Laaaaaaame. I don't want to have no plans again like last weekend....but that's okay. I mean, studying sounds like a pretty solid plan...again.

-C.C.

P.S. Could my posts get any shorter? Oh well.

Oh God, I have a problem

         Today was rather busy, however, they weren't too concerning I suppose. I mean, I spent quite a bit of my time on one homework only to find out I didn't really understand the question and that I really just answered pretty poorly. I then kind of went through most of my other classes trying to keep up some kind of work ethic. I was kind of more serious today trying to focus on academics and trying my best to do well in classes. (Too bad I found out I made a zero on a quiz in one class...it'll be dropped but dear lord...). Nothing was too overwhelming today, but in some terrible moment a cascade of emotion just bore down on me. It kind of felt like a waterfall in a way just overwhelming me. I was kind of close to tears and the lecture I was listening to was immediately fazed out. I just started thinking about how Red was dating somebody and I was just thinking what a lucky bastard he was. I started to feel incredibly depressed nothing of which having to do with Red really but more having to do with having another "I'm going to be alone forever" episode. The thing was...it was much more intense and powerful than I ever remembered it being before. I tried to concentrate in my class but the emotion just wouldn't go away and in the effort to try and focus in the midst of this swirl of sudden emotion actually started to nurture a growing headache. It was almost scary. Truthfully, I think I need help or something, because I'm literally being torn apart by my emotions. I know the problem is most probably this ever growing void of loneliness inside of me, but I thought for the longest time I could handle it. I feel a little pathetic though. It's as if a part of me is telling me somehow that I need a man to be happy in life, but I DON'T want my life to be that way. Why do I want to be with someone so badly? Why does being alone have to hurt me this much??? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know what to do really...I just don't feel good right now.

-C.C.

That was Weird

       Today was pretty uneventful too, although honestly a bit less so than yesterday. Honestly, I was in this ridiculously odd funk for a good amount of the day. I don't know why but I went into this mood that everyone I spent time with didn't have a point since we would all part anyway and other such thoughts that really made me feel as if I was alone against the world and such. All I felt like doing was doing my work well and moving on with my life. I'm sure that I would have come out of it eventually, but just a little while ago I was jolted out of my weird funk. I found out that Red is dating somebody now. After that all of a sudden didn't feel down in the dumps so much anymore. It was the strangest thing. I did feel a sense of loss like I missed out on him as an opportunity I guess, which made me feel ridiculous, but at the same time I felt kind of free? I don't understand it. I guess since he'd been occupying my thoughts every so often it was good for me to find an excuse to let him go? I guess, but now I feel just more energized. So, although I guess I missed out an a guy who wanted to hook up with me, I guess that means I'll just have to really get out there now. No quick blowjob swapping for me yet I guess hahaha. I suppose subconsciously since he was an option in the back of my mind I just stopped trying to get myself out there? Maybe. I'm a strange one.
      On another note, I was dutifully procrastinating on life when my roommate next door starts this crying, shouting match with her boyfriend she was skyping that made me feel reeeeeaaaaalllly awkward. It was even more awkward because I was trying to spank the monkey and all. Doesn't that just beat all? Well, there we go.

-C.C.

Getting Serious?

        Absolutely nothing happened today. I woke up somewhat early to my parents calling me and telling me they were checking up on me and saying they were going to celebrate the last of Chinese New Year without me. This included going to a new year festival and eating awesome Chinese food. Damn this predominantly white college town!!! It's literally whitey mcgee town here. On the plus side, there is never a shortage of attractive Texan white boys to ogle at. For that I'm somewhat grateful.
         Also, I had a whole mindset to be very productive this whole day but instead stayed on Youtube for a good four or five hours and watched cartoon shows from my childhood. Dear lord. I did go out to meet an old friend and then did chores around my place to resemble being somewhat productive. What was weird was that today I felt somewhat lackluster borderlining on gloomy today as well. I'm not sure why. It completely annihilated my drive to work out though. I'm a mess. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.
        One more thing, a few days ago, I had this graphic dream about one of my anti-social roomates. He's an odd fellow who I am sometimes convinced is playing for the other team due to his mannerisms and voice and such, but other times I just can't tell. He also hates the light, is pretty nerdy, and social situations make him hyperventilate. Like I said, rather odd. I do know that he is kind of buff though so I guess that's a plus. However, we've been getting along talking about all the nerdy stuff I actually am quite fond of. Anyway, in my dream I totally was in a situation where he found out I liked dudes and tried to hook up with me in a rather threatening way. He never actually physically accosted me but during most of the dream he kept on pressuring me for sex and towards the end of the dream somehow he got us both on the bed and was in his undies with my face in front of his crotch. He then took out his junk and hit my face with it. Instead of being turned on in some masochistic way I was really offended and turned off. When I finally saw him later on in the day I just felt a bit awkward. Interesting no? But definitely weird.

-C.C.

Decisions

         Today wasn't too stressful or busy really. The only productive things I really did was shave my pubes and finish all of my homework. I woke up in a panic trying to do my homework for physical chemistry that I didn't finish yet and even though I couldn't finish everything, I still answered all of the problems thanks to some friends in the class. On the down side, I'm quickly discovering what an awful professor I have for this class. He is very particular and picky, and I could ignore any of his character flaws if he actually taught us and solved equations. Instead he essentially wrote down definitions we could find in our books and then ended class. That was it. It was awful. Every minute I became angrier and angrier at him. And to add on to my dismal prospects was a random conversation with a guy in the class a year before telling me absolutely horrifying things like how many people got D's and you have to work hard to get a C and questions pulled out of the professor's ass. It scares me. I may have only known this guy two weeks but already I absolutely despise him. I'm a pretty reasonable guy I'd like to think but this is too much. On the plus side shaving my pubes made me feel oddly good about myself. Also, I love messing around with my junk in general so that was probably a reason. But unfortunately I cut them too short and now they're all spikey and weird feeling. haha, oh well.
        After class, all I did was sit in front of my computer and de-stress. It was a very stressful and busy week, I will say. Sure I could've gone and played soccer with some friends or just gone outside for a bit, but I was really tired and all I wanted to do was sleep, eat, vegetate, and be alone for a while. And it so happened that a while meant I dunno...eight hours??? Scary, but just this once I'm not terribly upset. One thing that was really notable today was how I decided not to apply as a counselor for camp today. It's a big deal at my school and so many people do it. I did it one year and it was probably the best year I ever had socially. I feel like I can credit a good half of my good college memories to that experience. I loved it and it meant so much to me. The next year and the year after that I applied again, only to be rejected. It broke my heart a dozen times over. Every time I saw someone or something in camp I cried inside a little. I'm not being sarcastic because it meant that much to me. Those experiences with the group of people I met at that time changed my perspective on how I view myself and how I view others as well as my self-esteem and confidence. So now, here I am, the last year I can probably apply and I only had three hours to finish it. I felt like I knew all of the pitfalls to making a bad application and now this year would be the year I would go to camp again. The thing was...it just didn't feel right anymore. I didn't feel like I really belonged anymore. I don't know. I'm the type of person who doesn't let the past go too well and I dwell on what if's and past memories to the point I think it may be unhealthy. I clung to those wonderful memories as a freshman for so long I forgot to appreciate my present. The thing was, I felt like I wasn't moving on for the longest time, until today. I just decided to stop myself from this loop and really concentrate what is really important which was my grades and my future and the people I really want to spend my time with right now. I feel like I'm finally moving away from that one stage in my life. I wish I could convey how important this really is to me in words but it is. And really, I think I've made a good decision. I maybe have gotten into camp again and relived those amazing memories, but...it's time I focused on myself, instead of the past.
        Also, fyi, I can't get stupid Red out of my head. I keep on fantasizing about swapping blowjobs with him and wondering if he finds me attractive. I hate how some boy I know under sketchy circumstances can get under my skin so much. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm an easily excitable virgin boy. le sigh.

-C.C.

This Semester....

     I can't believe it is only the second week of school and I've been swamped with so much to do. And of course to top it all off I've been trying to frantically somehow do the rest of my Physical chemistry homework that will be due every friday. Just impossible.
     Today was so busy. It wasn't really so much a good day or bad day as a day where I've just been all over the place. On a lighter note, I spent quite a while with some people and eating some good food. The Chinese New Year Celebration at my school happened to be surprisingly entertaining. Then I rushed off to a little diner off the outskirts of town to hang out with some other people and take in some heart choking diner food. Afterwards it was back to this awful homework. In any case, I'll need to get back to the salt mines. But before that, I'll put in this very hilarious video about two gay guys cruising grindr while drunk. I love it, but then there was this suck comment about not being into asian guys that made me a little down in some of the other videos. I don't know. Maybe it's because I've never actually gotten out there before but my self-esteem when it comes to being found desirable to pretty low. Sometimes I wrestle with these feelings and they all too easily bring me down so very quickly. And if someone were to find me attractive it would honestly confuse me. But in any case, grindr makes me nervous for a number of reasons any way.

-C.C.

Oh God...

     As wonderful as my bout of non-productivity was last night, it all too quickly turned into a chaotic realization that I still have an overwhelming amount of things to do. Oh dear lord. I think I'm going to need to pull a heavy almost all nighter with this one. I just need to finish all this stuff if I really want to do the things I have to do. Oh god. Also, I have small anxiety burst in my head that tire and short circuit me sometimes. I also had a whole afternoon to do all of the things I needed to do but I still didn't really succeed. I did one or two things, but really I could have done so much more. I am so terribly good at squandering my time it's terrifying.
    On a brighter note, I went to be productive at a coffee shop today and met an old friend that I decided to sit down and study with him. I'll call him Eddy. Well, he's not really that old since he graduated college only one year ago but we've been on good terms even though we don't really meet up and hang out. He's an openly gay guy but just very an unassuming and very normal guy. He actually came out last year so it was somewhat of a big deal for him. I far as I know though everything went well and not much really happened to him. He's a little geeky by the way but that's the way he likes to be. I actually almost forgot how good looking he was. I mean, he's more cute guy next door attractive than Adonis hunk kind of attractive but really, what does it matter? Attractive is attractive. Anyway, that important thing is we have always gotten along well and he is just a nice guy. Now that I'm thinking of really opening up my sexuality more I kept on playing in my head the scenario of maybe going for him. Perhaps hanging out with him more and even starting to try and date him one of these days? It was all very compelling to think about as we talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. It was nice and it leaves me a little confused on where to go from here kind of. However, I got pretty much nothing done after three hours of that and on top of that I still have so much to do. I guess I'll have to worry about Eddy AFTER I get my life together. Also, I sound like a teenage schoolgirl talking about all these ridiculous little crushes and what if's. It's kind of annoying. Mah bad.

-C.C.

Some New Thoughts

            Today was a relatively good day. Except I had a huge fail in effort when it came to a somewhat important assignment making up thirty percent of my grade. Oh dear. It had something to do with having a whole week to do the thing but not doing it, getting distracted at every turn, getting extremely stressed, procrasturbating (masturbating procrastination), and then staying up all night trying to finish it but never actually succeeding. Long story short I whittled down available time to do my work in only three hours. That was a real adrenaline rush I gotta say. I got it done and slapped everything together. Crazy. Too bad it just put a spotlight on a terrible anxiety and responsibility problem I seem to continue to wrestle with. Well, you win some you lose some.
            A great deal of things went well today to be quite honest. I turned in everything on time, and hung out with a friend, and then later went on a cooking spree making a bunch of things for myself. I made ground beef tacos with guacamole and pico and then decided to make some tabouli just because I needed to. I swear, when I sat down to eat I had a whole layout in front of me. It made the fat child inside of me squeal a little. Granted, I took my sweet time making and eating and then cleaning up everything though. I just really wanted to do nothing for the whole night even though I still can't afford it. I started at seven and then all of a sudden I've finally finished everything at eleven in the evening. Pretty worth it. In other news, it's kind of odd but I'm starting to get along with my anti-social roomates. How odd. This includes the one that made me cry that one time. I find them positively quirky instead of negatively off-putting.
            Besides everything else, I've been wanting to become quite a bit more mature and reserved. However, not just those two qualities but hoping that I can start to discover what it means to be a man. I don't really know what it means but I do want to find it. I feel like I just need to really embrace a more masculine version of myself instead of the more frivolous and childish personality that I usually characterize my behavior as. The thing is when I interact with my friends it is so easy to fall back on acting like that because that is still part of my personality and also because I've acted that way for so long with those friends that everyone, including myself just expects it. That is the social niche I fit into now and it's increasingly becoming a role that I'm growing old of. Lastly, I was reading Bi Like Me a little while ago and this time the posts really spoke to me. Mostly because of one of the authors, Frat Star. It's a real comfort to read what he says about being a regular guy who is newly out to the world. I always knew I was never alone because of all the blogs I've read over the years, but his entries really speak to me. They're different. At least this time, I'm convinced I'll truly try harder to really come out in my own way. Little by little is what I'm going to do, but now I am much more emboldened. Better than the absolutely nothing I've been working with so far. In any case, a look back at my writing indicates I don't think everything seems to make sense in words, but in my head it's crystal clear. But then again, I'm tired again and it's late. Maybe I'll actually get something done this time tomorrow?

-C.C.

Well Damn

          After tomorrow I should be back on track to live my life as a carefree college student whose only motivation is to just bum around and do nothing with pursuing a college degree. I just have to finish a presentation I haven't been completely serious about and then finish my graduate school application and coordinate with a bunch of people and just ALL of this stuff. YIKES. And of course there are so many things I have to do for my classes and presentations and homework and going to all these labs and trying to get some more money for various reasons and my organizations are picking up speed and good lord. Things are piling up. Didn't really expect that. Of course, I'm also terribly indecisive. I kept on thinking whether I wanted to drop a class or not for the longest time and now I'm pretty sure I want to but now it's completely too late. I seem to always pick life decisions that in hindsight I really shouldn't have done. I'll worry about it and fret and yet I'll plan extremely poorly. What is up with that? I don't know, this is some bull. But anyways, it is that last few moments of Chinese New Year and hopefully things still turn out alright. In other news, my rampant procrastination found this hilarious little jewel. I think it's so funny. But I really need to get my crap together.

-C.C.

NOW, It's the New Year

            Being Asian and all, today is a pretty big deal. Why is that??? Because it's the Freakin CHINESE NEW YEAR. It makes me happy for obvious reasons. The food is usually the main stimulus, but the opportunity to spend time with the family and carry out age old traditions during the new year are also a big plus. Usually me and the family have a grand feast of home cooked chinese food together and then vegetate in the living room. This year was no exception. However, this year was a little different because we paid homage to our ancestors by burning fake money and incense in our house before we ate. We also offered them wine and food and setup everything in a special way. It was just interesting to see. Every year we would usually do such homage at my grandparent's house but since they died we moved it to mine. It's just a little strange to see life go on without them, especially during events they usually took charge of like the traditions of Chinese New Year. However, things are exponentially better than last year. This time a year ago I was so swamped with work I couldn't even come, and my grandparents had just died and I broke open my chin and broke my wrist in a bike accident and it was horrifyingly freezing. This year everything felt fine and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. A good amount of time today was spent talking to my parents about a number of things and just lying around together on our couches. If anything those are the moments I really cherish. Sure we laid around like a sack of potatoes but that was part of what made that moment for me. It's back to reality for me, but it was a pretty good day today. Just too bad the rest of the world treats this as another ordinary day.

-C.C.

Hilariously Unproductive Procrastination

       Do you ever look back on your mistakes and become astounded by how ridiculous you were being? That was me today. I actually did what I set out to do, so I'm going to give myself a great big Bravo. However, I also took around seven hours to actually get around to doing the infernal thing, but of course that was only a small part of what I really have to do. Technically, I haven't really started any essays or what not. I had to go on facebook and then surf youtube the rest of the time. You know, all those other obligations. To be fair, I've been nerding out and watching as many pirated episodes of Justice League and Teen Titans and Young Justice and any movies that feature gay romance. You know, all the things that will indicate I will be FOREVER ALONE. For that I'm giving myself a slow, sarcastic clap to accompany that Bravo. And what am I working so diligently on? My graduate school application. Yep, I'm a born winner. Oh, but fear not, because I still have to study for a few quizzes and prepare a presentation by next week. So, in hindsight, I definitely swore that I would never do this to myself again this year. I'm probably going to just go ahead and give myself a slow sarcastic clap for that endeavor as well just in case.
       In other news, I've finally decided that I'll try and do something with Red. Just casually send him a text and see if he'll bite. I think I'm probably going to regret it. I mean, he did randomly try and hook up with me all sleazy like and therefore leave a lingering distaste for him in my head, but I'm young and kinda horny and he seems like a nice guy maybe??? There was that one time he texted me to fool around in a restroom too. And really all that stuff turns me off. If he just asked me out on a date, no matter how awful he was, I'd be more inclined at least. I'm just not that kind of guy...I don't know, but I keep on thinking about him and stalking his facebook. I just can't get him out of my head. I just want him to do stuff to me. The thing is, I'm sure he's not really right for me but there might be a chance he is. Maybe? I need to get out more...and go to bed. I'm sick of this. All of this.

-C.C.
     

I've got time

       Classes are ridiculously tiring. Especially when I haven't had my nine hours of sleep. GAWD, why is my life sooooo hard. Man do I sound like a brat, but in all honesty I was really tired today. The classes I had today were less than fantastic today, especially the lab I had. It was a simple review of the protocols lab that we did. However, I felt like such a dunce because I was the last guy to finish everything and to top it all off I royally screwed some of my results. I'm one of those guys. You might have seen my kind. The one that looks really lost in class and lo and behold he kind of gets through class only after leaving behind a wake of frustration and annoyance to his peers or superiors. That guy. Man, if only I was less careless, but for some reason I really am careless to the point of negligence. Oh, and by the way I totes want to be a doctor so please do place yourself under my care. On the up side I have an attractive scruffy TA and there's a cute guy that sits near me in the lab. Truthfully my cute classmate is more of a short, baby-faced, kind of chubby, extremely scruffy sort of guy. He looks kind of like a baby-faced hobbit. That's more like it. But for some reason I really think he's cute. Doesn't that beat all? I guess scruff is a real turn on for me. Maybe because I can't grow any of my own being Asian and all? That's funny. I also keep on ogling at the scruffy TA but he is married so every time I think about him I feel like a sleezebag.
      Besides my debacle in the science lab I went home and kind of did nothing. I have no plans, although I'm going back home for Chinese New Year, which is always a wonderful celebration. I'm a little perturbed I don't have plans or any friends in mind to go spend time with right now. I actually have quite a bit of time on my hands. It's wonderful, but kind of unsettling. However, I still haven't finished my grad school applications or made any progress so really I'm still a mess. Fantastic. But I am slightly tired, so perhaps sleeping will be the next course of action for me. Probably. I never did like taking care of my responsibilities anyway.

-C.C.

I'm getting there?

       The thing I'm most proud of is working out today. I did a great job trying to tire myself out. My day was pretty sweet in that regard. I'm also qualified for a chemistry minor and that was also exciting. On a less gratifying note I kind of bullshitted the rest of the day from seven until midnight. I just can't fathom how I can simply drain five hours of my life in one sitting so easily these days. It's almost second nature. It's scary. I guess I know I'm really in college now. Gotdangit.
       In other news, I saw my very first crush at the gym today. He goes to my university, but I almost never see him. Anyway, it was just interesting to see him because of the amazing stache and beard that he was sporting. He used to have this quirky gait. It wasn't abnormal, just different. It seemed to portray somebody unsure about themselves. I wondered how he had changed, and then I wondered how I have changed over the years. Some things are radically different, and some things still aren't. Like my awful self destructive habits for instance haha...but no seriously. In any case, at least I'm making some progress, but I know I have so much more to go. And of course, 2012 is going to be my year to REALLY change things and make it different. I just want them to be. At the same time, I sound like such a broken record already...man.

-C.C.

Still a Kid...

        I'm still a little poo. I really am. Not to anyone in general, just to myself. I can't stop procrastinating. There's so much to do. And I never do it. The most notable thing I did today was wake up early so that I could get to meet with a professor today. It went alright...we were supposed to talk about things in order for her to write a good recommendation for me, but the fact of the matter was that I feel like she was giving me a poker face so to speak. As if my plans were really not concrete enough for her to make a good enough letter for me. Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe I've been thinking that all along and my insecurity is coming out now. I don't know. I felt like a little kid under the spotlight and gave answers that every adult nods their head to but couldn't possibly take seriously. If only I took my life more seriously and actually sat down to ask myself the difficult questions in my life instead of pushing them to the back of my head. I can't stop hurting myself in this way. It's just crazy. I just get so scared of it sometimes. So when someone asks me about my future, it all just comes boiling up again. One goal I hope to accomplish is to conquer whatever this is, because I know I can be better. It just that...where do I start?

-C.C.

Hitting the Ground Running

Today I had a great day just talking to a bunch of people all throughout campus. I bumped into quite a few people that I usually stop to talk to and it was wonderful! It made me feel fantastic. A plus was that I also slept early and even though I didn't wake up that early I got eleven hours of sleep instead so that was a plus I guess. What I was excited for was that I was having a NERDgasm during one class that talked about how we are researching bacteriophages, and how we are going to name one, and go on trip for collecting samples, etc. I'm strangely giddy. This first day of school sounds like a success to me. I have so many errands to do and everything, yet I am just happy to be away from the lethargy that permeated my winter break sometimes. Off I go.

-C.C.

Tic Toc

     I really want to manage my time better. I just HAVE to. I don't know but I've always been so terrible at it and I just can't seem to take charge of it. This semester I'll try. I'm sleepy actually so I'm off to bed. Maybe it's because of the daytrip I had with the freshman I'm mentoring, the trampoline park we went to together complete with screaming children and foam pits, or the huge amount of food I had for dinner, but I'm pooped. My goodness. Today was a pretty good day. Every MLK day I'm just so grateful I have one less day of school so that I can do stuff like this one more time. The thing is I for some reason feel there isn't quite enough chemistry with my freshman to create a good enough friendship. It's probably just me, but I do try to mentor her about her life choices academically and everything and hopefully everything works out. Either way, life is about to go one hundred miles a minute the next time I wake up. Let's see if I'm ready.

-C.C.

The College Kid

Probably one of things I'll miss most about college is the nonchalant way we treat time and with other people's time. I woke up today at one and went to a friend's house who had made lunch for a bunch of us who were there. The rest of the time was spent hanging out, playing video games, and other nonsense. It was wonderful. Also, we watched the Texans versus Ravens and it was a little heartbreaking that the Texans lost. However, I'm just a bandwagon/fair-weather fan so I wasn't too upset. After at least four hours of doing nothing I went to do errands and then  hung out with some more friends until two a.m. cooking an international dinner together, watching the golden globes, playing mario party N64 and playing some hilarious game called Quelf. I kept on thinking queef every time I read the word. Awkward, but still fun. Anyway, I was extremely tired by one and really just stopped operating efficiently making a hilarious scene in the process. I'm just going to miss those days when you can have friends just come over, talk about nothing, and live life freely. I'm sure I'll have more days like that, but perhaps never quite like these. In other news, I'm going to put my face pic on Grindr instead of being some blank pic rando creep. The amount of cute guys on there in my area was pretty encouraging. But anyway, time to sleep. Ugh, three a.m. bedtime? Lord I'm terrible.

-C.C.

It begins?

      I'm super tired because I walked six and a half miles on a nature hike through a state park today. It was very refreshing to an extent before the hunger and fatigue set in. The quiet and serenity were amazing and as we walked the trail snaked through a lake that was absolutely gorgeous. The walk was great also because the people with me started to talk about Christianity and their opinions seemed to actually help me a little with some of my worries. However, I had to leave the parents earlier than they were expecting today and it was a little sad for all of us I guess. Sometimes I feel like I still don't include them in my life as much as I should.

    Now, I'm back at college and things are going to rev up immediately. I have so much to do but that walk in the park really helped me I feel. It was a good note to start on. However, I'm still wrestling with whether I should text up Red and see if he wants to I dunno...get busy? I was hanging out with my best friend earlier and her boyfriend was there. They were both extremely close and cuddly this time around. I don't mind it but just watching them made my heart sink a little making me think about if I could do that with someone too one day. 

-C.C.

Revisiting

      The night before, I had a flurry of different dreams. I remember having quite a few, but only one really stuck. It was about my first real crush. I'll just call him Ray from now on. I find a bunch of guys attractive, but I say he's my only crush because he was the only one I let myself totally fall head over heels for. I mean, I would get into these moods just thinking about him. It was intense. After I finally got over him, I told myself I would never let myself do that again. It's just that I don't think my heart could take having a gay crush when I know it would never happen. I've kept my heart pretty well guarded since then, partly due to a realism that has been slowly souring me when it comes to love and partly due to a painful shyness that makes me terribly afraid to get hurt. Every so often, I consider living alone and sometimes it seems like a reality. But really, I'm still in college so really I guess I have a few years ahead of me before I start prematurely making those assumptions about my life I guess, haha.
     Anyway, in my dream, we were in a huge college classroom and my crush notices me from across the room. After class, I walk up to him and he gives me a great big smile and talks to me for a bit. He makes a kinda stupid reason for us to see each other later and the dream ends. Pretty anti-climactic. However, things like these would at one point in life drive me crazy and now don't faze me at all. I actually was surprised and even a bit annoyed at him for his stupid excuse in the dream. It's funny because in real life Ray was always really aloof and silent with me sometimes. Other times he'd give me a sort of Cheshire cat smile or give me a blank stare whenever I said something stupid, which was somewhat often. I think we were friends in high school...I think. He would sit next to me in class and on the bus but he'd contribute somewhat minimally to conversation and his stare/smile would make me feel really awkward. So awkward that I'd chatter incessantly to make up for his lack of contribution. Really, we were an odd pair. But still, he wouldn't fail to drive me absolutely crazy each time, as crushes are want to do. It's actually very funny to think about now, because I've grown up and moved on. When I had the dream I was actually happy to find out I really didn't have many residual feelings left associated with him. But, I wonder, when will I have those feeling again? And if I do will I let myself fall off the deep end again?    
    What is a bit weird is that I've been considering maybe trying something with Red. I don't know...up front on let's say facebook and on his profiles here and things pop up that seem to show that he's a really decent guy. I mean, that's really the point but...if there was a decent guy like that somewhere there in him...I be really attracted to the idea of getting to know the part of him. I could be terribly wrong, but the stupid hopeless romantic in me wants to take that chance. Anyway, a part of me kinda thinks we won't even get along that well so oh well haha.
      In other news I finally woke up early and shadowed a doctor to get myself back into a medical setting after all this time. I then sneaked into a nearby medical school to tour it and see myself as a medical student walking the halls. Most of the day I was trying to remind myself whether I wanted to be a doctor. Unfortunately, I seemed to have mixed results. There was a sort of excitement of being in a medical setting again, but at the same time, the amount of work and stress associated with this life still deters me. I don't really know what to do with this knowledge now. I'm at a crossroads between making money right away and having reasonable time to myself, or being paid next to nothing and being stressed for years until it all finally pays off. For now I'm still pursuing medical school but....we'll see.
     But tonight was great with my suits done with tailoring and finally in my possession and an amazing lobster dinner at a French restaurant with the family. Fantastic.

-C.C.

p.s. I've discovered the newest Jersey Shore cast member, the Unit. Now, I'm not a fan at all but I do love how fit how some of the guys are at least. However, I dunno, this guy the Unit is one of the few guys I've seen who have abs and all, but I still find really unappealing. Yuck. It's probably the guido part. Or maybe "The Unit" tattoo.

ew.

Almost time

It's almost time for me to go back to college for my last semester. I've been doing things to get ready and other errands, etc. It get's me thinking about lost of things. Still, I have this nagging lethargy of not wanting to do anything and this terrible talent of wasting time and really not using my time wisely at all. I'm gonna wake up early for sure tomorrow so I can shadow a doctor and see if being a doctor is really for me. Man, sometimes I think I've really wrecked up my future. Sometimes. Here's a really nice song.

-C.C.

Lethargy

I don't really know what happened to me today...dear lord. I think I was the epitome of procrastination and counterproductivity today. I mean, I took an hour shower, went on facebook and then surfed for porn for like three hours. And then after that I decided to do nothing and procrastinate a little more. With that I was tired by nine p.m. Dear lord, that was a huge waste. And the day was extremely beautiful too. Wow. Anyway, here's to a better day tomorrow. I feel like a huge slob.

-C.C.

Well that went well...

          I have to admit, today was interesting, but less than stellar. First of all I wake up late and don't go to work but my dad decides to treat me out to lunch anyways, which was really nice. Things were going great and I was dropped off to go to the dermatologist for some pesky acne that has been haunting me since puberty. I was kinda late because of oddly hectic traffic and lack of parking spaces getting there. The only parking space is next to this terribly sideways parked P.T. cruiser. So I go and park sideways next to it, scratching my car in the process and run to my appointment that I'm ten minutes late to. I know being late really might have not been a big deal but I have a huge problem of being late so it meant more to me to be on time. Lo and behold I get back to my car and find this treasure below slapped on my windshield.

             I was a little upset I got blamed for this, but the note was strangely entertaining. Enough to make me chuckle. I mean, I antagonized a pregnant lady inadvertently, so I felt bad about that too but her angry note kinda gave me a laugh. I guess I'm a bad person. Later on that day small inconveniences led to a crummy day, but truthfully bad days don't faze me too much. I just roll it off my shoulders and I power through the day leaving my mood still pretty much intact. In other news I officially applied to graduate. This actually made me feel a little better. And so...the countdown begins before I reach the real world! I'm scared, excited, and a little apprehensive, but I'm gonna make this the best year ever! Now THAT shit is cray.

-C.C. 

And the Thunder Rolls...

           It rained today. And when I talk about rain, I mean thundering, intense, powerful torrential rain. It was good though because my whole entire state is suffering from a drought for the history books. Looks like Mother Nature likes to overcompensate. It actually led to complete flooding to the whole city and I actually got a free pass from work not to come in. It was FANTASTIC. What I truly treasured today was being awakened to the wonderful sounds of the storm. The loud thundering and wind has always been a wonderful comfort to me. I love it. It was actually a great start to the day.

           However, all the traffic and flooding did lead to my dad getting in an accident that he won't talk about today. His story was that he was driving and then he got hit by a car. The end. Go figure. He is a man of little words so that didn't surprise me. For a while, all that I got was a call from our insurance company about a crash. This got me worried because my mom got to work just fine. My mind did a whole backflip about my dad dying in a crash and his failure to answer his cell phone didn't help. I asked the difficult question of how I would feel if my dad died and to be honest I couldn't give myself a straight answer. I knew I'd be upset, but would I be bawling? No. I knew that I would miss him though, and that has to count for something, yes? Perhaps this means I have to concentrate on time with my parents more now? It makes me feel unsettled just reliving the moment. Long story short all is well except for my dad's car, I suppose.

         On the other hand, I found this amazing app on my android that let's me talk to people internationally for free!! This includes test messages!!! FREAKING AMAZING!!! It's called viber and I love it. I have family overseas that I don't talk to enough so this is great. On another side note, it looks like this summer is going to be the tits. That is all. I mean, don't want to sound asinine or what not but summer plans for this guy may mean I might have to violate my blog every day resolution. Let's just say that. Kind of really pumped. That's all I'll say

-C.C.

p.s. There's a really nice country song that the title of this entry is from. Love that too. 

Slightly Accomplished

I'm feeling sleepy so I"ll go to sleep early today, which is a good thing yes? Anyway, nothing exciting happened since I slept in late and then did nothing except clean my car, which I was itching to do anyway, and then try and work on my application but instead actively procrastinated until I didn't have anymore time. So, you know, I definitely have things under control. Anyway, something weird happened. I saw Red online for Skype and I swear I got a little excited. I really didn't want to do that at all. I started thinking about him a little bit more and maybe I'm harboring a small crush on him now??? That's really unsettling. I mean...I guess I'm that desperate for somebody to want me and love me and vice versa. I'm really sure he doesn't really want the same thing I want but even if he did he kinda turned me off with his whole hitting on me hard thing. I guess that the only solution is to really just get out there and stop whining or whatever I'm doing. Anyway, somebody's calling me on Skype!! (not Red)

-C.C.

Day out with the 'rents

Today was fun but I'm kinda tired. I'm ALWAYS blogging late. Geez. Anyway, I went to the tailor's to fix my suits which will be ready soon and then I spent the day with the parents the whole day at the movies and going to Chinese restaurants to eat. Watched the Girl with the Dragon Tatoo and others. The first one took the cake though. Seriously. I LOVED that movie. Today was just a great and well needed day with the parents to remind me that I really love them and spending time with them. Good night.

-C.C.

Derp-ing

       Whoops, messed up again. I just can't wake up past eleven thirty. I go to sleep at eleven and toss and turn for HOURS. Ugh. This is a real problem. I need to get that under control. What is good though is that things are kinda looking up for future endeavors. I'm slightly enthused.
       Anyways, I had dinner with my old friend Lissa a little while ago. I really have to say she's really on the neurotic side, but I guess I am the perfect friend for her because whatever she says it's always diffused with laughter. Sometimes her neurotic comments sometimes made me uncomfortable, but it's a strange but fun combination. I guess she's one of those invaluable and interesting people you'd want to keep in your life. She had even more drama in her life but she also had some amazing stories of going to a bunch of strip clubs on New Year's and having a bunch of drunken debacles happen to her. Our conversations are always interrupted by bouts of laughter, so I'm interested to see where we will be a few years from now.
       Beyond that I have to keep reminding myself to keep up enthusiasm for the new year. YESSSSSSS. ALLL CAAAPPPSS FOR EXTRA EMPHASSSIIISSSS. But in all seriousness I'm a bit ready to end the day.

-C.C.

That Shit Cray

        I really just love that saying. I'd squeeze it into more of my daily speech if I could. Really. Anyway, today was a little bit of a letdown just because I went to bed so early and everything and then I tossed and turned until four in the morning. Resetting your sleep schedule is just a nightmare. Haha....yeah, being punny. So I wake up at one in the afternoon and then I get to work at three. Afterwards I'm supposed to meet my old friend who I came out to recently, let's call her Lissa, at a Mediterranean place and she cancels because she's way too sleepy at seven p.m. because of her awful sleep schedule. Wat. I was pretty understanding since I have the same problem sometimes but seriously, that's a load of bull. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite but we were supposed to meet up at 8 p.m. She knew it too though and apologized. I was disappointed but we rescheduled and it's all in the past now. Not too much got done again today but all that work in the gym surprised me a little. My stomach got a little flatter. Awesome! At least the work I'm doing has some tangible results now.
         Outside of that, I keep on fantasizing about shacking up with Red. I don't know if I'm just that horny or it's because he's  a moderately successful person and I somehow want to be close to that success, not him. Either way I keep on flashing back to the time he talked dirty to me and to be honest that was hot regardless of what I thought of him. Anyway, it's almost time for school to start again...in approximately a week and a few days from now. Wat. I don't understand. AND I have awful classes right before I graduate. My major WOULD stick it up my butt, in a bad way, right before I graduate. Really.
          In other news, this new year, I've decided to really try to slowly or not so slowly get out of my comfort zone to meet a guy. I don't really know what that entails. I mean, I wanted to check out the LGBT group on campus and then I don't know...put a picture up on Grindr?? Um....talk to more gay/bi guys like me? Take the initiative more? I might be completely gay and maybe I am having a hard time facing the fact that I'll never have the traditional heterosexual family unit I've always wanted. Huh, oh well, enough of that for the night.

-C.C.

A thought or two...

       Today was still pretty unproductive. I just can't go to sleep at night so I wake up at noon and just make life a little less pleasant for my parents who think I'm a night owl bum with an internet addiction. Whooooops. I mean, I really need to work on grad school applications but at least I have the recommendation part taken care of. I THINK I'm having a productive winter break...but I want it to be better for sure. I guess I just have a nagging feeling I'm not doing what I could be doing in terms of living out my life. I've always had this rush to try and live out life to the fullest. Every moment has to be fulfilling in a way. I don't know, it's a very taxing way of thinking.
      Anyway, I went to help at my parent's office and did learn a little bit and then went to the gym where I spent two and a half hours there. A little extreme on my part. I kind of didn't want to go home and I also wanted to tire myself out so I can sleep earlier. I thought that was a little concerning but it all might just be in my head. Also, I've recently realized that I REALLY cannot spend too much time living with my parents anymore. It's just that at first I thought being a bum mooching off my parents wouldn't be the WORST thing to happen to me but now that I've stayed here two weeks and a half I can't live here permanently that's for sure. My parents do help me keep motivated and on track of my priorities which is something I had waaaaay too much trouble with living on my own. So I guess it all works out. Also, how the hell am I going to find a boyfriend/girlfriend while living with the parents??? Ugh. I don't even get any action when I'm on my own in my own element. Oh well, FOREVER ALONE. Good night.

-C.C.

Absolutely Nothing

That's what I did today. I mean, I woke up at two p.m. and then sat on my hands until five p.m. thinking if I should be productive or not. I'm not kidding. I take long amounts of time doing nothing trying to think up if I should do something. Kinda weird. Anyway, I went to the gym and then visited an old friend and we talked about futures and just graduating. I peeved my parents by being a bum today but that's okay because I'll do better tomorrow hopefully? Also, I REALLY want a six pack. Just can't seem to get any closer though....
Good night.

-C.C.

The New Year

Today was rather unproductive. I stayed up until seven a.m. this morning and it was a bit miserable. It was hard to muster up that stamina. I woke up at noon and had five hours of solid sleep. So understandably I'm terribly tired. And it seems I'm also a bit horny right now just to throw that out there. I don't regret what I did because I spent the whole night just talking to an old friend who is an important friend of mine who I have been neglecting as of late. Terrible I know. We have amazing conversations and we literally spend most of the time talking about nothing and laughing. It's wonderful. However, a part of the conversation went to my sexuality and I just casually admitted that I was bi. Just like that. No drama, no anything. And to my surprise so did she. It was just the craziest thing. I wasn't sure if I was going to tell her before but seriously this has really been a milestone for me. She may not have been the first person I came out to but it is one of the most notable ones. It was simple and easy and then we went on the laugh about something related to strippers. I also got two new suits today that make me look extremely sexy. All in all, the second day of the new year didn't disappoint although I do have a huge pimple on my forehead. Not important. Ish.

-C.C.

Ruh-Roh, 2012

Whoa, I've been gone for a while, but that's okay because I've ditched this blog for a whole year and a half once and so by all accounts this is totally fine haha. In any case, I have a just a small feeling that this year is going to be a good year. I'm not sure what that means, but I think that is all I really need. Things are gonna great and I'm going to MAKE them great. Somehow. So, to kick things off, I think I'm going to start blogging every day this year! Let's DO IT.

The first day of the new year I slept SUPER late since I celebrated with the family and woke up late like the lazy kinda guy I am. However, I quickly made up for it by being extremely productive doing some spring cleaning and really just helping my parents work around the house and tidying things up. I'm extremely tired but at the same time this was a great way to spend the new year and I feel just GREAT. Let's see what else is in store this year.

-C.C.